SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SLOVAN RATISLAVA

“13 weeks in each of the four seasons.
13 weeks between equinoxes and solstices.
13 is the only teen number in the Fibonacci sequence.
13 was Jesus and his disciples combined.
13 is a prime number, incorruptible in nature.
13 degrees is what the moon travels across the sky each day.
13 is unlucky for some.
13th attempt at a CL opening win is lucky for others…”

– Brendan Rodgers’ team talk…

“Whit?”

– Jamesy’s response.

🎶 YOU’LL NEVER WALK ALONE 🎶

What an INCREDIBLE Champions League atmosphere at Celtic Park 😍

📺 @tntsports & @discoveryplusUK pic.twitter.com/JKEJDh6Duv

— Football on TNT Sports (@footballontnt) September 18, 2024

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6.5/10 – “Are they in the SPL? I had more to do against the Zombies.” Kasper spent his evening enjoying the atmosphere before being beaten by a worldy. Best aspect of his game, surprisingly, wasn’t the expected shot-stopping but his sprightly use of the ball with his feet; got every pressured pass correct.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – Formidable start for Greggs as he ploughed the wing like a wild-eyed bedlamite in support of Daizen, and funnelled inside in vibrant echoes of Angeball. But he was picked-off on occasion, out of position, as their only real threat swept down our left on the counter. And least said about his assist for their goal, the better – although, you could hear him hollering, “‘Ave it!” in the upper tiers as he swiped at it with Peter Kay levels of composure. Tut-tut, Greggs. As Alfred Hitchcock replied when asked the three most fundamental aspects of performing well in the CL: ‘Concentration, concentration, concentration…’*

*Not true, obviously, you idiot.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 8.5/10 – ‘Moose Juice’. That’s the branding for his energy drink sorted. A powerhouse of a display from AJ, on the rampage up and down our right from the first whistle, terrific support play and thrilling deliveries; won a penalty to boot. But the real highlight of his magnificent evening’s contribution was the sacrificial yellow card for satisfying the bloodlust of the masses, with a loin-girding axeing of Chernobyl’s last survivor and former Mordor rodent, Weiss, the ex-Ger who puts the ‘Rat’ in Slovan Ratislava.

OF JUSTICE – 8/10 – Once more under scrutiny and once more the Ginger Baresi makes the grade at the top-level. Thumped in a header at the perfect time to rock them out of optimism, was on-point defensively with tidy interceptions and covering. Remarkably, managed another Zombie-baiting handball controversy for a fleeting moment before the claim went the way of Saturday’s anguished Replicant squawks. Liam renews his claim to the jersey on the biggest stage, and there’s not a skeptic in the house who could deny him a start next time out either.

🐐 Liam Scales 🤳 pic.twitter.com/RJJBp9DDqO

— Celtic Curio (@Celticcurio) September 18, 2024

GET CARTER – 7/10 – A fine hour of combative rough and tumble with their robust interchangeable forwards had the big guy well on top of his job. His passing was crisp and pacy, shifting us out the back, troubling their attempted press with clever distribution. Then he kind of lapsed and exhibited signs of a fade. Couple of shaky moments, uncharacteristic choices. Maybe carrying a knock or effects of troubling long-term injury niggle. Anyway, a rest at the weekend would be the proscribed therapy, Brendan; you can quote me on that…

CALMAC – 9/10 MOTM – Calmacnificent. Maestro, conductor supreme. Total control of the mid. His orchestration of the Celtic symphony had everyone thinking of wearing a tux with emerald dickie bow in his honour…Yehudi Menuhin, Andre Previn and Leonard Bernstein were in hospitality up behind us*, and – not sure which one, tho –
could be heard screaming, “That’s flamin’ brilliant wee man, flamin’ brilliant!” as Calmac went so close to another belter from out the box, only denied by a great save. He dictated the play, the pace, the attitude – mindset of Champions to take part in the Champions League. Didn’t waste a ball, didn’t lose a tackle or the heid – You sensed the urgency induced around him on the park; a leader by example and respect.

“Everyone had great fun. Hopefully, the fans enjoyed it.”

A delighted Callum McGregor shares his thoughts after a momentous European night for Celtic 💭

📺 @tntsports & @discoveryplusUK pic.twitter.com/oVsPNgSkOO

— Football on TNT Sports (@footballontnt) September 18, 2024

*Not strictly true; they’re dead.

HAKUNA HATATE – 7/10 – Contention across social media as to whether Reo justified a jersey; but they obviously didn’t read my Saturday summary.

Yes.

Yes, was the answer, and hopefully the right one – Reo’s specialist game when he’s tuned-in like Timothy Leary to the cosmos, is one of existential angst; a footballing sleight-of-hand whereby he’s there but not there – tormenting defensive psyches with intuitive movement. He did it again tonight on numerous occasions. Drifted, disappeared, glimpsed, lost, popped-up, bam! Daizen’s goal prime example, tho’ he’d caused chaos first 45 too. What’s missing at the moment is his own decisiveness when in possession; a tad wasteful maybe through lack of match-sharpness. His particular quality requires quite some time to tap the exact frequency and have it all in perfect harmony. Perhaps consider some LSD, after all…

THE TERMINATOR – 8/10 – ‘Hark the herald Engels sings; Glory to the Hoops but not the King.’ Christmas is coming and the carol will be sung. Oh yes. Because this kid looks to be worth the bucks. Debut was impressive, tonight was delicious. 69th minute – we turnover around halfway line (Calmac in possession?) and suddenly we’re on the attack. Take a look at the new bhoy’s positioning – inside-right channel (that’s proper old-school footy talk for attacking right midfield; ‘ARM’, FIFA Playstation virgins…) poised and bursting forward into space; natural instinct.

Born with a football brain. And cool as Michael Fagan in Lizzie’s hottub when the pressure moments arrive – unsavable pen number two in as many games and this one under the highest expectations. He’s a baller with a brawler bearing – happy to mix it and be in the midst of fury, confident his touch will see him through the midfield mire. Great things beckon for young Arnie. And hopefully we’ll witness many in the Hoops.

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND – SEPTEMBER 18: Daizen Maeda of Celtic celebrates scoring his team’s fourth goal during the UEFA Champions League 2024/25 League Phase MD1 match between Celtic FC and SK Slovan Bratislava at Celtic Park on September 18, 2024 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

LORD KATSUMOTO – 8.5/10 – There’s Gojira, then there’s Daizen. One’s a fabled Japanese tale of an extraordinary force of nature, a mythical monster of energy that brings great terror, yet can be a saviour of the people. The other’s a big noisy lizard. The Slovaks got a taste of Zombie-suffering this evening as Daizen went on the rampage. May have scored the opener, may have given their defence more jump-scares than a John Carpenter slasher-flick, may have cemented his place in Celtic folklore as the busiest, most industrious Hooped hero ever seen.

This is the humble Eastern legend that a sobbing Tavpen refers to as ‘The Frightmare’ during his lengthy psychotherapy sessions. Tonight there was nobody who deserved a glory goal more than Daizen The Destroyer. And it will live long in Celtic minds as the Hooped Hitachi Special – one made in Japan; here’s hoping big Ange gets to enjoy that amid his Spurs torment (ungrateful runts) when he sees his three Eastern stars light up the CL with the goal of the night. As for Daizen, he’ll still be on his warm-down run as you read this. Any readers up Peterhead way might take a look out their window just now for the dust cloud. Give him a shout to get back down the road or his sushi’ll get warm…

KILLER MUSHROOM – 7/10 – Kyogo continuation syndrome – it can be a worrying affliction; CL two seasons past he had as much scoring luck as Tod Cantwin in a straight bar, then when he got into a rhythm he seemed
unstoppable. Like late last season, early this… Until Saturday when his Skelping faltered with the Minis’ exposed backside needing rattled. First-half tonight, it looked grim; could have killed the game twice. Teeth were gritted. Yellow gumshields bitten on hard. Was he on a roll? An uphill one? Nope. Natural finishers don’t need a head or foot to do the job; thigh and abs did it just nicely and we celebrated. Mostly, knowing Kyogo’s still THE Kyogo. You know – the one you play and win the league. The one with the title in his boots. Right, Brendan?

TAKINTE – 7.5/10 – One more game. One more step up the rehab ladder. And our unassuming German January catch gets more of an exciting proposition with every big game; so much so that Jamesy’s starting to just throw his name about Prestwick pubs; “Ye Alright? Eh…Kuhn?” Result. Tonight, despite his workplace being a little cluttered, Nippy Nick was swashbuckling at times; a blur of movement jinking inside, and at them. Culminated in his terrific wing-play to lay on Kyogo and thus take the match beyond them. So far this season, a revelation.

TO BE CONTINUED…

…continue reading Sandman’s Definitive Champions League Ratings, part 2 BELOW…