‘We pass you to our roving and entirely impartial reporter Crawford Fraser-Findlay, experienced in conflict reporting from war torn Inverness, where he exposed the clean-up operation after the Belladrum Tartan Heart Festival fiasco of 2019, in his short and explosive film ‘Litter strewn by Struan’ and his 2021 expose of corruption titled ‘Tomintoul Tombola – The fix was in’, and having now just returned to Glasgow 12 months after his award-winning documentaries Bears in the Square I and II, whereafter Crawford took some time out to recover from PTSD suffered during his extensive undercover work in the field.
Crawford – ‘Thank you, Bartholomew, however I must interject with a small point of order. It wasn’t PTSD I was recovering from as such, although I did have the mother of all hangovers. It is now a matter of public record that instead I was the numpty who blew off his fingers when failing to release a firework from my hand in time, and I was not so much recovering as spending time repenting at her majesty’s pleasure – God bless her’…
Bartholomew – ‘So, tell us what you are seeing and hearing down there on the Trongate at this time, if my ears don’t deceive me that certainly sounds like some sectarian singing Crawford, fill us in on that!’
Crawford- ‘Apologies Bartholomew, I think you may be picking up my Spotify playlist from my headphones, I wasn’t expecting you to come to me so soon, I’ll turn that off now’…
Well, yes, it is carnage down here and an entirely uncomfortable experience. I am now seeing hard evidence of mass celebrations, and even happiness, as Celtic supporters having broken through from the Gallowgate and are now brazenly hugging and kissing each other as they approach the now gentrified no-go area of the Merchant City. I can see supermarkets and off licenses struggling to cope with the sheer numbers enveloping their businesses’…
Bartholomew – Looting I assume Crawford, always the first real sign of civil disorder and the security forces being overwhelmed?’
Crawford – Yes, it is certainly turning nasty here, I’m not so sure it’s looting on first sight, actually they appear to be paying for stuff, but I have seen some evidence of queue jumping, and indications the Celts may be turning on each other in their desperation to consume alcohol.
Bartholomew – I see, they are turning on each other, fighting and bloodshed I assume Crawford?
Crawford – looks like it is heading that way my friend. There was certainly audible tutting from those in the queue behind one supporter as his bank card asked for authentication for the transaction, and the shopkeeper asked him to input his pin number. And tempers have certainly started to fray, as I’ve witnessed both the rolling of eyes and shaking of heads – this is bound to turn nasty.
Bartholomew – Hmmm, and what about those local businesses Crawford, it must be frightening for ordinary citizens heading into Glasgow for their Saturday evening entertainment?
Crawford – Yes, I spoke to Elizabeth from Newton Mearns who was out for an evening at the theatre with her husband, and she explained she has been ridiculed and abused by these so-called supporters.
Firstly, they were forced to walk to the Tron Theatre after having to abandon their Jaguar on the approach to the conflict area, where a youth asked if he should watch their car – a most upsetting and aggravating experience I’m sure you’d agree?
And as they walked through the throng, the crowd parted, and both she and her husband received hearty slaps on the back, before being gleefully informed ‘yer shows aff hen, take a drink. I like yer coat by the way is that real fur, or is it fake?’
Thankfully Elizabeth has recovered from being spoken to directly by a Celtic supporter, and last time I saw her she was climbing a lamppost to escape, although signs of fear were hard to conclusively ascertain, as she had swapped her fur coat with a Celtic fan for this season’s away top and a scarf, and she was singing This Land is our Land at the top of her voice – I think they call that Stockholm Syndrome Bartholomew.
Of course, I asked the manager of said theatre to confirm the breaking news that the invasion of the City Centre had led to them having to cancel tonight’s showing of Olivier Award nominee Caroline Horton’s ‘All of Me’, described as an ‘an intimate and absurd exploration of wanting to live, wanting to die and what can happen if we sit together with the dark’, due to fears surrounding the safety of their patrons.
He as good as confirmed that story when he replied – “we coulda pit in oan pal, but me and the staff were pure high as kite aboot Ange ‘n’ the bhoys getting the trophy, so we’ve taken the night aff, plus that show is all aboot the currants and their depression at losing their title so soon and this is no time for melancholy!’
That is word for word what was said Barthlomew, and I’m sure you can read between the lines as well as I can with that one – absolute fear Bart, absolute fear!
Bartholomew – Well Crawford, this sounds like a frightening experience to be in, perhaps we should let you get to a place of safety, but first a comment on the state of the city centre as we’ve had reports of urinating in the streets and broken glass strewn everywhere.
Crawford – Thank you Bartholomew, I certainly feel unsafe at present as my Union Jack waistcoat and brown brogues are certainly attracting unwanted attention.
I have seen consumption of alcohol in public – as you know as well as I do, is a brazen disregard for law and order – and bottles being simply discarded in the street, a clear sign of littering if ever I saw one, yet police intervention still appears to be minimal – quite incredible really. And the supporter’s unrest was clear to see when one shopkeeper put up a sign saying Magners was sold out and only Budweiser was left.
It really is about to turn nasty here Bartholomew, I really do fear for the Dear Green Place! As for urinating in public, I really had no choice Bartholomew, I’m not going into any pubs with that lot matey.
Bartholomew – So there you have it dear listeners. Glasgow City Centre has been overtaken by riotous Celts raining down bottles, and violence on the streets we call home – well you do, I live in Hillhead – And yet the Police stand by and do absolutely nothing.
Compare and contrast that to the scenes of 12 months ago, and I’m sure you’ll agree Bears in The Square has been surpassed in its levels of depravity and violence by Timothies at The Trongate, and there is little point tuning in for our post-match coverage from Seville in midweek, after all it will not be nearly as bad as the scenes we have witnessed today – and we have no intention of sending any reporters in any case.
From a city under siege, we bid you goodnight.
Niall J
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