Hi Neil,
Sorry to bother you during your holiday in Italy but I would like to apply for the job of your number 2. I first saw it advertised in the window of the paper shop in the Gallowgate in June 2019, and it obviously hasn’t been filled yet. When I was in the pub last night with my mates they begged me to apply. Oh by the way, don’t mention that to Nicola or give another exclusive to the Daily Rancid because we are already on a yellow card after Boli Boli’s flight of fantasy. Someone told me that he is now playing in the Fantasy Football League. Most clubs know it as the Champions League but it is pure fantasy for us at the minute.
You don’t know me Neil but when has that ever being an issue when filling a coaching position at Celtic? When you get back after being humped in Milan, you will find my CV in Peter Lawwell’s drawer along with the other ones. Don’t bother looking at them, that shower (excuse the pun) are garbage.
To save you a little bit of time, let me summarise my expertise. Firstly, I have great tactical awareness having spent the last umpteen matches shouting at you on the telly not to go with that line up, to change the formation and to make substitutions before the 80th minute when we are behind. I know you can’t hear me and if you don’t want me on the touchline maybe we could live stream into Gavin’s tablet? Maybe even Zoom?
Oh by the way, the good news is that during the Ross County game the tv remote survived the impact but unfortunately the telly is a goner. So Neil, if you don’t give me the job I won’t be able to watch any Celtic games. Oh, wait a minute….only joking Neil!
I have a really good eye for a player and could tell you which ones are not playing for the team. I have recently been furloughed from my job as a Special Advisor to Prince Andrew so I know a one when I see one.
I know money is tight at the moment, but you tell Peter that I am cheap. My usual fee is a scotch egg and 10 pints of lager before the game. Should we win, and you would think that by the law of averages we could expect to win something like 2 games in 12, you and me will hit the town. Let’s not invite that big teuchter or wee Gav and his dad; they are just party poopers and I know you don’t like speaking to them.
I know you are aware of what we now refer to as BRexit, when that gorgeous human being left us to join a diddy team who are now near the top of the English Premier League and ripping it up in the Europa League. I can assure you that I would be fully committed to the job although I would need to insist on a release clause in my contract should I get a call from that other gorgeous human being, big Kolo Toure. I still miss him; who can forget him dancing in the dressing room to that Yaya/Kolo song?
You will see from my photograph that with my monster tash, I bear a striking resemblance to that other gorgeous human being, Dermot Desmond. What first attracted you to that billionaire, you ask? Well, my mates say that I could be his love child and should get a COVID test to check it out. Sorry to drop that in, but I didn’t want to spook you when we first meet.
I look forward to us leading the team out at Hampden and let’s hope we don’t need an escort from Glasgow’s finest after the game. I am in a wee bit of a dispute with them over some unpaid fines. It was all a misunderstanding, honest.
I like to think, and hope you will agree, that I am an oven ready no. 2, so if the fans roast us after a game, that’s not a problem for me.
Anyway Neil, all the best…ledge!
Desmond Dermot
Article by Chris Wotherspoon
