SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ AZ ALCATRAZ…
“With regards the Covid situation among the numerous infected players and staff at Mordor, our investigation has uncovered only a mumbled two-word explanation from Captain Tav, that being, ‘Daisy Chain…’.” NHS Chief Medical Examiner
ROXIE – 6.5/10 – What’s a gal to do? #1 – Well, launch it into the stratosphere along with the forward, may be the
first correct answer. But Roxie hesitated, wary of a wipe-out and a red card, lost the crucial challenge and looked on deflated like the guy who forgot the sheath at Mrs. Ms house-party. However… Top-class stops kept the Bhoys alive, and solid keeping thereafter made for a layer of steel behind the porous clay wall in front of him.
And at the final whistle? A man desperate to win with Celtic, witness that intensity.
GREGGS THE BAKER – N/A – Supply chain problems are dogging his shops, and shoulder ligament problems infuriated the multiple baying porn-aficionados packing the stands. Unfair to rate hime after injury misfortune, but he was suspiciously absent as his winger drifted in to score their first…
STAR LORD (Rafael Duffy) – 5/10 – He just needs some love! Well, Old Yeller got shown a lot of love with a shotgun to the heid. And after 20 minutes I was telling the kids it was about time we packed Star Lord off to the farm as well. Guardian Of The Galaxy? Couldn’t guard a piggy bank with an AK47. Yet…
Back in the day, in the Ayrshire Sunday Amateur Bloodbath, such ridiculous calamity was met with a half-time counselling session by kit-man Big Cid (‘Seed’), who would convey the team’s collective disappointment with a punch in the face. I hope it was Big Ange who delivered the message last night, as Star Lord put in an admirable second-half with backs to the wall and everything on the line.
But, still, Jesus wept…
RAQUEL (Shane Scheidt) – 6/10 – What’s a gal to do? #2 Well, don’t stop, just follow on and clear it. Also, be flamiing aware of players blind-side chasing down long balls. But no, and here we go for an evening of stress not known since John Carpenter released Halloween upon an unsuspecting populous. Then came the defensive revolution in the second 45 and Raquel didn’t put a beautiful foot wrong. Take that clarity into the weekend.
TONY THE TIGER – 6/10 – Roasted Tiger, anyone? A tortuous night up against their best player. And the re-instated Swedish winger lit a fire in the long grass to flush Tony out. To Tony’s credit he stuck to task, refused to buckle, and despite being tossed about like a sex-dwarf, was dogging it out until the end as well as any Gleniffer Braes thrill-seeking MILF.
CALMAC – 7/10 – Like a boss. Isolated in the engine room thanks to shiftless others, the skipper’s 90 was a battle of wits and touch as he was swamped time and time again with little outlet offered. Took a booking, but never absent from duty; got the Bhoys through by sheer Broony-will.
ROGIC – 6.5/10 – Some inspiring moments and diligent application from Oz in the face of powerful opponents attuned to close him down at every opportunity. Wasn’t happy to see him hooked as he looked capable of exploiting late spaces in the game.
CORPUS CHRISTIE – 6/10 – Energy, energy, energy – wherefore art thou fae last season, shyster? This rejuvenated Son Of Man certainly put in a shift, if not gilded with any quality as he over-ran the ball or mistimed a pass. Off-key but still involved to cover the mysterious absence of others…
EDDIE TURNBULL – 3/10 – From MOTM Saturday to MIA Thursday’s biggie. I’ve pointed it out before – he needs to impose himself on the big games if he wants to utilise that gift to become a big-time player. Instead, last night he hung around the periphery of the match, causing our midfield to be overwhelmed and outnumbered, pressed-high and unable to play forward as we toiled a man down and with no time to pick a pass. His role was crucial to forward link-ups and, as he floated ineffectively, we suffered massively.
ABADASS – 6/10 – Great set-up for the opener then tragically ignored by his team-mates as our major threat
hung around the right wing with his arm in the air while we blundered into blind alleys down the left.
MR KOBAYASHI – 7.5/10 MOTM – Took that opener, and winner, well on the bobble, rapped it down to bounce up into the net; Then bounced around their big beefy defenders like a game Kamikaze, taking it and giving it and running that clock down. But for last-ditch interceptions he may have scored more and killed the tie. As long as he’s not picked up any knocks, it might be Sushi Sunday this weekend…
SUBS:
FRENCH EDDY – 5.5/10 – Placed right down the middle to occupy them for the last 30 minutes, did almost enough – nearly a sweet killer ball into Koyogo – but still too off his known hyper-electric running game to make a telling impact.
FIELD MARSHALL – 6.5/10 – Here’s a kid with a future. As Greggs’ arm finally withered and fell off, young Monty got a baptism of fire away in Europe, and held the fort as well as any more senior well-travelled operatives around him: i.e he didn’t hit the ball into his own net like a total spangle. Loved those sweets. Well done, kid.
MAN OF – N/A – Where were you when we needed you? Sat on the bench for a half-hour too long, that’s where…
ANITA DOBSON – 7.5/10 – THE big tactical test/challenge. Approached like any other – steak thrown on the barbie, tinny cracked, screw ’em, let’s score goals. That worked for about five minutes then our midfield
malfunctioned and their press had us playing one-twos along our own byeline. Add to that our defence showing the self-governing competence of the Afghan establishment, and we were trussed-up on the slaughterhouse cart to Screwtown.
Yet somehow, the team stuck to the Angeball insanity and we prevailed against a very decent side, who’d
been excused their normal league duties last weekend just to prepare for us. So is the Athenian F just Ronnie Deila with bigger baws, or is there method in his madness? Whatever, each coming game warrants beer and popcorn. Thankfully, his next opponents are way short of last night’s capabilities…
OVERALL – 7.5/10 – Well… Phew. ‘Mental As Anything’ were an Aussie band whose biggest hit has been murdered by the illiterates all last season. This season, Big Ange seems to be trying to keep the name alive with
face-melting approaches to the most tricky of ties. Not any chin-stroking tonight – just go out and score and see what they have in them to counter…
Well, they had our defence. And then WE had our defence – so mysteriously re-grouped and battling after half-time that Arthur C. Clarke was spinning in his space-coffin. So, somehow, we won through after two torrid ties
sponsored by the NBA. And we’re in the group stages among a respectable level of opponents with three
big home glamour ties to liven up the midweeks through the coming autumn gloom.
Well done, the Hoops. Now, take it easy this weekend. After the international break, we’ve got Ross Coonty
at home on the 11th and we don’t want any slip-ups like last season against them. I’d rest a few with that one in mind…
Go Away Now.
Sandman. On the valium.
