“Did Sandman not tell us in early August that after a detailed scouting session in a Gran Canaria bar watching the Bears at the Sheep, that they were marginally better than last season and not the tour de force harlem globetrotters-esque collection of silky swashbuckling mavericks led by Slippy G, the Scouse gangster’s piggy-bank biatch, that the SMSM have been knackering themselves over in a onanistic frenzy for the past few months?”
Natascha Kinski.
“Aye.”
Mila Jovovich.
“What a send-off. Obama, Bush and now the Sandman definitives. Throw in a resurrection and it’d be the perfect weekend.”
J.McCain.
GORDON: 0 or 10.
Irritated about having to get out his kip before noon on a Sunday, big Craig delayed any appearance until late in the Second half when he reluctantly laid down his Sunday Post halfway through Oor Wullie to save a grunting humph from the Colombian drug-mule lovechild of the big goon from the Hills Have eyes and Whoopi Goldberg.
LUSTIG: 8/10
Casting aide his cop duties due to a drastic reduction of ugliness in the Lisbon Lions stand this fixture, ‘he who is perenially past it’ battered into the superior demi-Gods in Lizzie-blue and would have even scored a double if not for bad luck and bad woodwork.
On it from the start. Just Like…
BOYATA/’THE BELGIAN’ : 8/10
Focussed, driven, positionally-perfect. Won everything, bossed the mutant front line. Looked like he meant business. Here to stay…Until January.
AJER: 8/10
He’s just a bhoy… and you forget when you see him open that big stride and face up to the intimidation; he’s loving it, and every game’s another notch on the experience post. Kept his cool when sex-pest McGregor had a reflexive nervous reaction from spending the weekend licking the floors of Amsterdam peep-show cubicles clean and snapped a boot into his side.
A thanks to Ronny Deila for the big bhoy; major presence for us in years to come.
KT: 8/10
He’s one of our own…Toasted Chav in the first-half, forced wunderkind almost-unfortunately-pronounced ‘Kent’ to double-up with his kipper of a skipper to deny our roving left-back.
Only KT’s often- amiss final balls let down a dazzling display.
BROON: 9/10
Superlatives exhausted. Separates the knowledgeable from the demented; ‘does nothing’ brilliantly, a ROCK in that middle, the ANCHOR by which our team finds ground, the GYRE by which our creatives’ flow is dictated.
Took a ridiculous booking in his stride as angular psychopathic streak of p*sh Lafferty folded and dropped like a cheap androgynous bisexual hooker at an Andy Warhol Factory party.
Yet again, Broon defied the ignorance of popular opinion and remained impervious and imperious.
SAMUEL L JACKSON: 9/10
Man o’ the mother####in’ Match. Took the path of the righteous man and laid down some vengeance upon those cheeky Monkey upstarts with a display of near-perfect decision-making and timing of movement.
Made every pass count. Made every Bear weep. He dared them to say ‘What?’ again. They did. And lo, he was Jules; the Bears were Brett, Flock Of seagulls and Jerry…
CALMAC: 7/10
Took off from his Thursday night sparkle and look very sharp and lively. Surprisingly faded a bit in the second half when I expected him to really open them up. They got off likely.
FORREST: 7/10
Another who shaded away in the second half but not before the Prestwick Flyer had burned them up a few times, sizzling and direct the way we like him – great inspiration and vision to pick the flat pass across the box to Sam J in the heat of the moment when YOU and ME and EVERY CELT ON EARTH were halfway in the air screaming SHOOT!
ROGIC: 6.5/10
Thought he was a little heavy-footed in his most opportune moments and fizzled things out when he usually has the fleet-footed guile to carve them up. However, you cannot keep a good footballer down and was instrumental in our goal.
FRENCH EDDY: 6.5/10
A lonely furrow and not much space to operate in – he’s best with the ball in front of him and someone to run at. Still, class finds a way and he should have scored the header after finding the room; head it down and it’s in but he went for power too difficult to generate. Full fitness will come and the inevitable scoring run.
SUBS:
CHRISTIE 7/10
Nice impact. Won that free-kick and rattled them with his determined forward thinking. Looks keen to make his impact once and for all this season; interesting few months ahead.
GRIFFITHS 7/10
Got the scent of goal again, always difficult for Sparky after a summer of burds knickers. Crashed the free-kick well, denied by Peter Sutclidffe in nets.
Must be utterly delighted Dembele threw a tizzy; expect fireworks from him this season as he shares the top spot with Eddy.
SINCY: N/A
Strolled on last few seconds, annoyed them with his hair.
BR: 9/10
Difficult week with the surropunding furore. Lot of mental pressure given the presence of Slippy G and the hubris there. Kept his counsel, kept his calm, kept his nerve, WON.
More things could have gone wrong than right today. He made sure none did. Now expect him to move it right on after the International break and get the team on a competitive level for this Europa group.
OVERALL: 9/10
Pantywetters and handwringers been taking fainting fits all summer with the hyperbole around the Scouse acrobat. It became too easy to dismiss this Celtic squad and to nod in tandem with those fruitcake SMSM hacks when they tented their troosers with every proclamation out of Mordor.
Celtic missed the CL qualification by a baw hair. We’re a European-marinated bunch of players who have played, won and also been humped in some of the toughest football environs.
To think/declare that a ramshackle assortment of journeymen and unknowns could suddenly come together as a potent force under an inexperienced manager, living only on previous playing reputation, and have the where with all to seriously damage our past two years of progress was naive, and churlish.
Sandman
