Sandman’s Definitive Ratings: Celtic 6 Liviticus 0


“Contrary to popular belief, and the laws of the known universe, Prince Philip has not ‘died’ as such, and from Monday morning will henceforth return to Royal duties under the title, ‘HRH Duke Of Govania.’ Palace statement.

Photo: Jeff Holmes

BANE – 7/10 – Boredom never sat well with this master villain and he appeared to welcome the opoortunity to contribute fine goalkeeping to another clean sheet. Next week may be his swansong and triumph if he’s on it like a (crime) boss.

JONJO O’NEILL – 6/10 – Hectic week for the Grand National participant who had a helicopter ready (Polis, hijacked by Drexl…) to whisk him to Aintree at the final whistle. He was able to play today only because his original ride ,’Phil The Greek’ was declared a non-runner yesterday…A little unsure of himself at times but sticks to the formula and eases himself into a groove. Has appeared a consummate professional in his difficult time here, if not anything over-exciting on the football front; kudos where it’s due.

RAQUEL – 6.5/10 – Sharp early to cover Broon set her tone; well focussed and playing exactly as we’d hope a prospect might – on task with intensity. Another step on the ladder to Celtic stalwart. And glamour girl.

AJER – 7/10 – Rampaging viking or dancing princess? His metrosexual alter-ego Kristiano resurfaces to dazzle in the second half and we again find his surging presence one we cannot afford to lose in the summer. Though we will. Unless Henrik gets the job…

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – Back from extended leave for hot-cross bun making over Easter. Hope the baking was delivered better than his crosses. Still full of industry and his passing was efficient and sometimes added leverage, putting Elshag in to lay on the second.

Photo:Jeff Holmes

BROON – 6/10 – A training session for his do-or-die quest into the heart of darkness next Saturday. Useful experience of being closed down with urgency for early period by Livi press – suspect the Zombies will attempt to apply similar with their well-drilled midfield grunts. There’s no way Broon won’t start next week so get used to it; We’re going in old-school like some 80s action movie reboot. It’ll be flaming Space Marines v Aliens; take off and nuke it from orbit, I say.

CALMAC – 6/10 – A quiet adventure in the sun for Calmac, nifty feet and sensible shoes on to tidy up the midfield. No spectacular contribution necessary. One big dazzling Calmac-esque game required at Mordor to lay the ghost of his January horror show.

Photo: Jeff Holmes

EDDIE TURNBULL – 6.5/10 – What a thigh. A thigh of relief as he put the game more or less beyond them. We never relied upon a vintage Eddie performance, good news for a man of his age. Saving his best zimmer for the Zombies we hope.

Photo: Jeff Holmes

JAMESY – 7/10 – The Flash strikes again! Might have trundled in, but that depends what part of his anatomy he hit it with, ladies… Did we miss him? Well, when you see the movement and zest, coupled with the team play Corpus has sadly lacked, he adds a dimension of dynamism that can really make the difference. And as we cruised, calamity – off with a ‘non-contact injury’. Meaning he’s pulled something. Let’s hope its just the usual something tugged a mite too enthusiastically after his goal…

Photo: Jeff Holmes

ELSHAGYONLASSIE – 8/10 MOTM – Sublime performance that’s got the support effusive. Looked class; movement, finishing, creativity. And perhaps that’s my season-long criticism in a single game – where was that performance in our times of need? Where was he when the chips were truly down? Where will he be in August? The jury for him is as contentious as in ’12 Angry Men’. Or 12 Angry Bhoys…

FRENCH EDDY – 5/10 – L’expectations… not many here. A game of intermittent involvement, some flair, some despair, mostly appearing as though he, too, was warming up. For what? Well, next week, we hope…


CHRISTIE – 6.5/10 – The ‘Resurrected Rabona’ made an appearance as the shout went out, ‘stop the fancies, ya boner’. Sweet finish after ‘Back To The Future-esque’ link-up with big Effe. The YouTube highlight reel will get a nice edit tonight …

THE YETI – N/A – A smile? After nearly scoring? One lunge might’ve got him on the end of a cultured Corpus ball in. Maybe the rueful grin was for his own surprise at a useful Corpus delivery…

MAN OF – N/A – On ye go and think about next season…

GRIFF – N/A – Like Calmac, tuning up, looking to lay the ghost of January’s Death Star anguish. But Griff’s actually looking to lay something… Somebody explain to him, and warn Morelos; Then again, maybe don’t…

Photo: Jeff Holmes

JFK – 7/10 – The ‘Unbeaten John Flaming Kennedy’ plaque is being engraved as you read. Organisation and purposeful possession and some eclectic outwitting of the Livi press had the game tied up by half-time. So he did what the previous incumbent failed to do all season and got the job done tout-suite.

Then he took off Elshag on a deuce when some people had backed him for a hat-trick at 80/1. EIGHTY ffs. So he’ll be keeping a keen eye on the situation in case Captain Howedy takes the coward’s option and possesses Palace instead. The JFK remit is surprisingly simple – enter the Ninth Circle of Hell next week and pump the demonic transvestites 7-0.

OVERALL – 7.5/10 – If there was ever a game of nothing, this was it. Sunny day, and Livi players lay about the flaming park for the first ten minutes taking in the scenes as my beer warmed up and a snooze seemed a better option.

Pre-match entertainment provided by extraneous fireworks display during the minutes silence for a racist, white
supremacist Greek sailor. Must’ve been some cheeky Zombie Monkeys with no sense of occasion…

Then somebody threw a ball onto the park and we got going. Eventually, after coping with their fiesty formation we really got going and did what we should have done in January. Twice. But the milk’s spilt and we now look ahead to D-Day and a real demolition required of the Zombies. We need to deliver such a sound thrashing, a humiliating pounding, that their entire season will be dismissed as a laughable freak event.

Can we do it? Of course; the REAL 9 in a row Celtic has to turn up at some point in 20/21. Will we? No idea. Should we? Damn right – these players have got more to prove to themselves now than any of us. So, in the words of Oscar Wilde’s famous chant: – “Get intae them, mess them up! Get intae them, mess them up!”

I may have paraphrased.

Go Away Now.


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About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email

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