SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ BERNIE WINTERS’ BAYOU…
“Remember, remember, the 1st of November,
Zombies got pumped quite a lot!
They couldn’t get one point, conceded 22;
Hilarious for us and good enough for you!”– Classic nursery rhyme about a failed plot to blow up the CL.
“I’d rather die on my feet, mayte, than live on my knees…” – Ange Postecoglu
“Eh, I have a different tactical view, quite the reverse to be honest with you…” – Wee Gio The Humbled
ROXIE – 7/10 – “What d’you want? To cut his hands off?” And so big Joe left ’em lol-ing in the aisles after our final CL bout was indeed decided early by hands; not his – one magnificent save directly preceding a non-pen he referred to in interview – but punches thrown by Madrid after punches conceded by our unfortunate players up against VAR. And Billie-Jean King…No chance with the goals, sharp to cover a stretched defence, and must be wondering when the other end of the team will deliver the goods.
"Never nice to concede 𝙩𝙬𝙤 soft penalties" 🙄
"They're ruthless, I've not had much to do… apart from fish the ball out my net five times" 🫠
Honest as always from Celtic captain Joe Hart after a difficult loss against Real Madrid #UCL pic.twitter.com/7vXatKdsij
— Football on BT Sport (@btsportfootball) November 2, 2022
GREGGS THE BAKER – 4/10 – A poor one for the 101 mhan. Room 101 it was, anxiety plaguing him from kick-off; like his compadre on the right, never looked decisive enough when involved. Precious nanoseconds behind play meant he was scrambling and chasing, and wandering absently most of the game as he failed to get a grip. They exploited that savagely.
STAR LORD – 5.5/10 – Oh dear. Out with a nasty injury for months and your rehab becomes a pounding at the superstars’ gaff. Yet Star Lord stood up as well as anyone to the white avalanche rumbling his way. Got found out sleeping for their fourth and looked shot on his knees right after it. I feared the worst, and when the world’s best player was introduced soon after, there was a racoon glimpsed in shot hiding behind the post, trembling, cussing to itself, paws over its eyes. But Carl The Mad-nificent saw it out and kept the Shelby family head up and in the game to deny them a cricket score. Or rounders, because cricket’s mince… Baseball, tho – great. ‘Mon the Phillies.
BIG MERCEDES – 6/10 – Okay, so she’s not a fan of big swarthy sallow-skinned magnificent Germans… Weasel of a referess punishes Big Mercedes for dipping his head towards a scuffed shot and
we’re looking down the barrel after only 4 minutes. That had me suspicious, and Matty’s ridiculous interlude minutes later convinced; more on that later… But in spite of the diabolical conundrums thrown his way, he mostly remained in tandem with Star lord to maintain a bit of resistance down the middle and force them wide.
JURAN JURAN – 4/10 – Ah, JJ – reputations are made and lost in those moments. A game I thought he’d excel in became a tortuous outing. Tethered by a world-class opposite, ventures forward were severely restricted and his defending was off-key; skinned at will, it seemed for a time. Then, of course, that defining moment; never looked decided on his close-up, hit it, too, like a man unsure of his choice even at impact of boot and ball… Damn.
MOOEY – 6/10 – Another decent showing to boost his desert ambitions. Although, he was blowing out his arse after 50 minutes and our minor collapse revolved around his fading presence. Despite that – and nothing that doesn’t happen to many, many lesser players trying to match Madrid’s rapidity of foot and thought – he hung in there well first-half, tried not to waste a ball and kept his bearing positive when opportunities arose.
THE BUILDER – 6.5/10 – Scissor sister. Not, you Matty; you know who. She failed the O’Reilly Test and penalised our handsome Bhoy in the harshest way possible, awarding a nonsense penalty and a kick in the goolies yellow card as well. Also, thus triggering the woke hysterics reading the previous sentences. Our female fans were calling her at that point, a total ‘biatch’. And the Matty mean girl approach continued with ridiculous calls on excellent challenges; somehow our bhoy managed to apply himself, combat Madrid and Catwummin, get some footwork going and stay on the park, legally. A decent enough showing against the odds. And Jodie Foster.
HAKUNA HATATE – 7.5/10 MOTM – He was everywhere, the frenzied Jap Zidane. Again, he had moments when excitement overwhelmed technique but, by Godzilla, Reo will bust a gut for the cause; and there’s no more strenuous gut-busting than chasing a game against the European and world club champions. Left it all out there, made his passes when he could, out of possession pursued them like a dug after a balloon on a windy day. Might have scored but for giant gloves palming his strike. Looking forward to Calmac back in beside this match-fitter Reo.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 6.5/10 – Honourable dynamism from our World Cup representative; buzzed around and about them, managing to find a few runs in behind which is no easy task against such opposition. Unlucky that nothing came of his endeavour, but deserved the jersey.
MR.KOBAYASHI – 5.5/10 – No goals. No Qatar. The Japanese are mercilessly efficient and I can’t help but think the Killer Mushroom would have been on a camel headed East in a fortnight had he found the net but once these six games. I mean, he’s in my Panini album, ffs. Again tonight his workrate was admirable, movement too as he found space twice but that final touch/strike/contact… Goddamn. Nae luck, wee mhan. Got to keep his spirits up now that he’s been snubbed. Hopefully a hat-trick against the Zombies will make up for the disappointment.
ABADASS – 4.5/10 – One electric burst to win the pen showed us all what he’s capable of. Otherwise, he struggled, not making enough of the times when he was on the ball or had the space to prise something with clever movement, Seemed to be another suffering from slight – but debilitating at this level – hesitancy.
SUBS –
SON OF JACKIE – N/A – Little openings to impact but got a dig in; unfortunately like almost every other tonight – to near Courtois’ orbit.
NOTEBOOK – 7/10 – The star kid shows promise of becoming the star man. Living out a dream, too wrapped in it to wise-up and cover Valverde for their fifth. But a fine way to make up for that with dancing feet, lively play, and a moment to savour as he swooped in a free-kick at CL velocity to evade the grasping fingers of the World’s #1. Fit Jota = extra dimension. Fact.
JOTA! BRILLIANT! 🔥
A wonderful strike from the Celtic talisman 🤩
A moment he'll never forget 😌#UCL pic.twitter.com/LJoMQZ7ou7
— Football on BT Sport (@btsportfootball) November 2, 2022
EDDIE TURNBULL – N/A – As old as the stadium, and worried that he’d collapse. But he got in a few touches and wasn’t a burden.
HACKY SACK – N/A – Might have expected a start/introduced sooner given Abadass’s under-performance, so a rueful few minutes it was, merely to experience the occasion and get some involvement.
TWIST – N/A – Always looks happy to be there, and made a few decent passes and runs to get himself on the telly.
ANITA DOBSON – 7/10 – All aboard the Angeball Express. We’re heading to the home of the World’s best club side who need a result and we’re at it without our skipper, best defender, and the star bhoy’s on the bench, newly recovered from injury… Will we sit in and ‘protect the zero’, Gioball-stylee? Fnarr-fnarr, will we hell. We’ll go at it Aussie insanity stylee, like the War Bhoys in Mad Max: Fury Road – screaming
‘Witness me! Witness me!’ as we sacrifice ourselves for the cause, running relentlessly at their goal regardless of the rampant savaging that risks.
A promise is a promise – Ange said we’d have a go, and even depleted we did. No gameplan can survive those two ridiculous lezzerball penalty awards, yet Ange’s almost (should have) got us back in the game and swinging before they finally knocked us down and out. One thing he needs if we’re to fullfil his ambitions and go again, is a deeper squad to compensate for the trio of losses that had weakened us so much at this level.
Armchair pontificators of Hindsight Fc will paraphrase every ratfink hack journos in the days to come, making ‘pragmatism’ and ‘naivete’ the catchwords; b/s I contend – look what it did for the Zombies; thrown about like prison virgins, resistance as effective as Essex wimmin folk during a viking rampage. Fund Ange, let him play out his ambitions and take us along for the thrill-ride.
OVERALL – 6.5/10 – Well, at Madrid with three top bhoys out. 5-1? That’s probably your guess. At 60 minutes and 4-0 I’d have bitten your hand off for it. Also, how many chances do we need? Everybody seems set on a phiss-taking tribute of El Fluffalo by refusing to score; we made more chances than you could have dreamed of and summed it all up in one penalty strike. Still, again Celtic went toe-to-toe with the finest, and got a bit trodden on; Thems in Mordor got stamped into the ground.
Differences; we thoroughly enjoyed the challenge and met it. Only let ourselves down by failing to hold and capitalise twice when leading Shaktar, otherwise it’s a deserved EL spot. But on a night when everything ran against our patched-up side and hopes were crushed early by… Well, Ellen DeGeneres wi’ the whistle and Caitlin Jenner on the VAR ( I suspect I may require a bigger boat in the main page comments…)…
So, under the circumstances you got to applaud the Bhoys for the mental fortitude and the grandstand finale they gave us to bring back a bit of a smile. We’re eliminated. But we ain’t beat yet. Not by a long stretch. Future’s bright. Future’s green and white.
Go Away Now
Sandman
👏 Thank you for your amazing support in Europe this season, Celts 💚#UCL | #CelticFC🍀 pic.twitter.com/URuh1kFQaV
— Celtic Football Club (@CelticFC) November 2, 2022
The Celtic Fans leaving the Bernabeu stadium…… The Madrid fans were loving the chant
What an atmosphere at the end of the Champions League campaign. Even in defeat we sing loud and proud. A Madrid fan even stopped us to say we were the best in the world#CelticFC #Bernabeu pic.twitter.com/tC98kXv4kU— william wilson (@wnw24) November 2, 2022
