SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ BROONTOON…
“An old friend met in a far country is like rain after a drought.”
– Chinese Proverb
ROXIE – 7/10 – A showgirl, violated by evil Germans, seeks refuge and a restart in a formerly booming oil town where she meets vociferous racism by inbred locals not used to glamour, shampoo, or professionalism. Against the odds, she emerges defiant, escaping the clutches of the hillbillies and delivering a performance of such exquisite technique the baying crowd are silenced. Well, more than usual. At the finale, they shower her in sweetie papers as she departs the stage roaring and triumphant, a sacrificial sheep held high. That’s my pitch for ‘Baa-baret’. Lloyd-Webber’s hooked. What a musical it’ll make. Just need to leave out the bit where she should have taken young Monty’s heid off to stop the equaliser…
TONY THE TIGER – 6/10 – If Forrest Gump wore the Hoops, this is the player he’d be; a 90-minute blur of commitment and honest endeavour. In fact, Tony should wear ‘Bubba-Gump’ sponsorship below Dafabet. Every team needs a Tony, because when the talent’s spazzed-out he’ll be careening about with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire to hold the fort and blunt the opposition’s ambition. So I don’t judge him on the way he caresses a pass or lights up proceedings with a coy flick or feint – Tony’s worth is measured on the rhythmic stability of the side; when the going got tough, who was shovelling coal? Yes to Tony once more. Job done.
STAR LORD – 6.5/10 – “The pheckin’ sheep, the pheckin’ sheep! They’re everywhere, everywhere! Pick a ball, any ball! Boot it! Smash it! What’s that! what’s that?! There’s one there, one there! Gettim! Gettim!” And the chattering madness of Star Lords invisible talking racoon kept him well on his toes. The first time in a Celtic shirt that he’s appeared switched on like a coke-wired, dancing-eyed, Bitcoin five-minute-chart trader for the entire game.
GET CARTER – 6/10 – Beginning to look a tad confused with all the fuss. You’ve got to win? Every game? Well, yes we do, especially in this backwater swamp of a country, especially up against the bizarre ideology that’s been trying to suppress us for a century and more. Sorry, nine years, snigger…So the big man now knows he’s in a game; a long game. No prizes for second place. No glorious failures here. Every game’s a battle; got to be
at it. Eventually, he made the grade today, after a scrap he looked like losing for a while, but stood firm.
FIELD MARSHALL – 5.5/10 – Still not quite fitting for the kid, despite his fortitude. More than a few rocky moments – the strange slo-mo effort to prevent their goal his worst – but remained adventurous and positive. His supporting surge to create the winner was the bravery of youth and the craft of instinct; Atonement complete.
CALMAC – 6.5/10 – He’s not Rambo, he’s Corporal Hicks from Aliens; a squad leader who’ll muck in with the grunts and command by quiet example. Criminally undersupported today, which resulted in too much work-rate and not enough reward from the man with the plan to split defences asunder. But his quality prevailed as we carved out the late win with him back on the strings.
BITTON – 5/10 – A surprise inclusion given Ange’s predilection for majority attacking midfielders. But the Mossad
Morelos Molestor was added to give us some balance and stability for Calmac to flourish. Didn’t work, because big Nir – despite his sweet passing ability – was no match for the physical Broon and Deliverance Banjo Player tandem up against him.
EDDIE TURNBULL – 5.5/10 – Commended by John Cleese after adding a hitherto unseen Silly Walk to his repertoire on Thursday night. Would he be taken seriously today? After a sweet cross to provide the opener, expectations rose. But he defaulted to eccentric geriatric mode and deliveries were again inconsistent, his influence minimal and his presence often ethereal.
ABADASS – 5/10 – The menacing scamper of an extremely agile and dangerous sand-spider. But they thrive in desert conditions, not blustery North Sea coastlines. Try as he might, he couldn’t free himself of defensive shackles or influence the game at all when few moments presented themselves.
NOTEBOOK – 7.5/10 MOTM – Wake us up before you go-go because getting to Pittodrie for a noon kick-off is a no-no. Exciting times for season-ticket holders because Wham have just gone to number one in the local Eberdeen Furrybits Wireless Cherts. Nobody had the heart to tell them as they screamed ‘George!’ and threw their semmits at our bemused Portuguese wing-wizard. Aberdeen’s mutant wunderkind at right-back used his ugliness to the best of his ability to intimidate Notebook all first half but the warning signs were there when another whip-and-dip rifle shot rattled the bar.
Second period, as we toiled and tired, the kid switched wings and hung on the edge of the action like a groupie
at his Dads’ gigs. Then, when we needed him most, he again became the man who can, zipping in to prod home
the winner (No, triggered Bears, that’s simply ‘prod’ home, as in poke – not ‘protestant’ home; calm yerselves…).
Another glory moment for the dashing blade, another precious win for the Hoops. It’s the Bhoys like him
who make the difference. Claimed after the game his ‘Ma & Da’ were in the stadium. Damned if I didn’t see Andy Ridgeley and an urn sat in the main stand…
MR.KOBAYASHI – 7/10 – There are many things in life uncertain. But there come at times certainties; Like face-painters getting stiffed on the bill, like the ugliest illegitimates the world has ever seen, inside and out, waddling around Scottish streets in July dressed like mid-op transsexual undertakers. And there’s Koyogo scoring. After Thursday’s anomalies in the matrix came the response, an early finish with chest-work to rival the finest geisha girl’s speciality. From that point the hat-trick was on. One was disallowed, then service to him didn’t just dry up; it became positively arid. But the solution’s right there – get him the ball, he’ll get us the goals.
SUBS:
ROGIC – 6.5/10 – Oz shears sheep. That is a fact. Established over the years as he brought outback tradition to
Scotland and misery to the Northern Flock. Yet again he struck – for the first time in the game we had someone able to take the ball on the edge of their box and turn and with one calculated nudge of a big surfboard boot, lay on the winner; Sublime difference between one point and three.
THE YETI – N/A – It’s North up there, right? So that might explain why the Abominable Snowman can come on and
disappear. He may still be out on the pitch somewhere.
ANITA DOBSON – 6/10 – Oh, Ange, you got troubles so bad… Dirty Den’s on the warpath and Sharon’s on the pill, not to mention the injury pile-ups and the misfiring system. But he seems a man who is prepared to live and die
by his belief. Probably the most difficult part of the job is not to question one’s own convictions before the plan’s been thoroughly played-out.
So what point are we at? Many of the armchair Steins have already delivered damning verdicts. But is Angeball the one-dimensional card-trick of Ronny Deila, or does it posses undercurrents like the subtle verve of The Snake’s attacking fluidity? For me, he’s falling between the two right now – no definitive pattern but no surprise given the ridiculous injury problems that have picked his teams out of necessity rather than design.
Thursday was a fragile exposure. Today was a quest for validation that became something else entirely – a way
to win ugly. Above all, the points were most coveted. He got them. Now will trip-out on opiates until the international break’s over and injury-free.
OVERALL – 6/10 – The Stuttering Dons trying to adapt a mainly new squad to a new system, versus the stuttering Hoops trying to adapt a mainly new squad to a new system. What could possibly go wrong? The answer was everything. For them. Three desperately-needed points and a confidence-inspiring AWAY victory at a tricky outpost just before an international break was the wish. The Bhoys got there, shaking off the Euro death by 1000 cuts, and getting over some appalling second-half lag to engineer a scrappy win.
We didn’t Leverkusen them, we Liverpool-ed them; jacked them up on bricks and nicked their hubcaps and rims while they weren’t looking. Sorry, Broony. But, phew….
Go Away Now.
Sandman
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So.
Why the persistent transphobia? Twice in the last 2 or 3 reports now. I don’t see him taking the piss out of others with disabilities like other intersex folks or people with mental health issues but attacks on gender dysphoric sufferers is good on here, they are to be laughed at on here.Dont you think these poor folk suffer enough abuse, ridicule, bullying, intimidation, discrimination and hate? Would you allow this if it was against other minorities like black folks, Muslims or Jewish folk? Of course you wouldn’t but its OK to constantly take the piss out of gender dysphoric sufferers. You as the editor are OK with this I take it?
Point taken and noted for the future…