SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ DEEK’S DUNGEON…
“Goodbye, Harry Kewell
Though we never knew you at all
You had the grace to hang around
While other Aussies headed off.And it seemed to us you lived your life
Like a faithful converted Tym
Always knowing who the good guys were
When the Zombies crawled in
And we would’ve liked to have known you more
But the offer was just too guid
Harry Kewell’s left us long before
We thought he ever wid…”– Elton John, ‘Kewell In The Wind’
ROXIE – 5/10 – Wore the puzzled expression of someone questioning reality as they celebrated. “He plays for Liverpool? The heck’s happened to the EPL?” Luck escaped Joe, mocked us with their fortunate winner; the finish squeezing between elbow and hip as he tried to block. Nothing much he could do about the first despite the
protestations of Playstation FIFA virgins across social media that he was somehow supposed to announce his intentions, which would halt his gormless centre-back, and he’d prevent the OG by pouncing on the flashing cutback; all in the space of a nanosecond. Yeah. Questioning reality myself, or some people’s interpretations of it…
GREGGS THE BAKER – 2/10 – What’s become of Greggs? Who the hell did he think he was passing to? Did he still believe he was playing in bigotry stripes at that Subbuteo cast-off ground? Under Angeball he was dynamic and influential, even in CL matches. Now, tied to a traditional LB role, he’s…’The player we signed from Killie.’ A score of two for the number of his sausage rolls I ate this week.
WAYNE GRETZKY – 6/10 MOTM – Well, at least we had one player prepared to put his body on the line for the cause; quite literally as he produced the miraculous goal-line block of the season with a forward-roll right out of the nursery school playbook and stopped a certainty with the back of his shoulder. For which many Zombies still wanted a penalty. Of course they did…Even through the traumatic second-half we still had AJ snarling and blustering around, taking out whoever he could as his team-mates held some sort of charity coffee morning.
OF JUSTICE – 5/10 – Was decent enough, took a lot of necessary care on that surface and held things together well for 70 minutes. Can’t shoulder blame for his defensive partner’s implosion but would like to see him be more assertive when we go a man down like that and be THE mhan to organise and bully his defence into some sort of resistance.
THE NATIONALIST – 2/10 – The dictionary says: galoot /ɡəˈluːt/ nouninformal•North American noun: galoot; plural noun: galoots – A clumsy or stupid person (often as a term of abuse)…The Merseyside Donkey Sanctuary are on the phone – they want their Rudolph back for the Xmas panto. And they can flaming have him. Questioned his nerve on Wednesday, saw the result of applied pressure today. Comfortable to a point – half-time – then those big flat feet got more hen-toed than Foghorn Leghorn and – I say, I say – he wilted like Jamesy in the Blue Oyster Bar. Lagertha? Appollo Creed? Surely to heavens…
TONIO IWATAO – 4/10 – Classic. Stuck in the DM, holding things together with hardly any required involvement first 45 other than getting positional sense tuned; which it was. Then… toiling as he snoozed with the rest after the break, but hooked completely in error – 10 minutes later they break through acres of space he’d have been occupying and score the winner. Basically, for the one moment he was crucially required to do his job, he’d clocked-out.
CALMAC – 3.5/10 – Has anyone seen the captain? Perky, prompting first half then must have used some kind of prescience superpower and gone down ahead of the sinking ship as he was curiously absent in our three quarters-of-an-hour of need. Bewildering ethereal performance.
THE BUILDER – 5.5/10 – Our bhoy most likely – and delivered – and almost prevented the whole bad dream with a lung-bursting break to narrowly miss before they got what they deserved.
BRIAN DE – 2.5/10 – “It doesn’t rain like that in Honduras!” Yes, and if it had, you’d be working in a unisex barber’s in a barrios of La Ceiba instead of sulking about on a plastic rug in a gloomy Scottish post-industrial shitehole while getting phished on from high above.
OH BHOY – 5/10 – No complaints about this Bhoys effort – physicality well in use against some sinewy hatchet goons. He put himself around, held up play well. But nobody took advantage, and his biggest let-down of the day were his shooting boots; Evidently left in a locker at Lennoxtown.
MIKEY J – 2.5/10 – Another big chance, another big miss. Mikey can only hope that what transpired around him means he’ll be forgotten amid the collective disgrace and get a third-time-lucky start to impress.
SUBS –
YING – N/A – On, run, clunk, ouch.
KILLER MUSHROOM – N/A – He’s the one! He’s in! Nope. Damn. That reset goal still eludes him.
JAMESY – N/A – Didn’t get a touch, I think. Very unusual for Jamesy. Especially in Killie where the ‘Durty’ rating is off the scale.
THE SHNAKE – 5/10 – Question – how does a snake shoot itself in the foot? Well, obviously they can’t – they don’t have trigger fingers…But metaphorically, even if they had feet too they’d still probably avoid playing anxious and spineless EPL reserves at cage-fighting middens in the phishing rain on a pitch created from the discarded excess botox of the local ‘female’ population.
But no, not Buck; was it a contracted game-time demand on the loan deal? Even so, then play him in the midweek dead rubber. But it’s all about optics for some – live on Sky, showing his trust in ‘elite’ league players, because that’s what ‘elite’ managers do…And to compound – as aforementioned – hook your controlling DM instead of your toiling LB to go 3-5-2, and so invite late breakaway calamity rather than exert massive closing pressure on a team who’d be sitting in for a point.
I see Spurs won today. Goddamn…
MIBBERY – 4/10 – Wee rat without cards or VAR – duplicate of the Bernabei ‘handball’ given against us last season pops up in their box; nothing to see here. And jersey removals warrant only scowls when the Bhoys are in trouble.
OVERALL – 3/10 – Well, there goes flaming Xmas. A pretty sprightly first 45 with sweet play and many chances built on two months of hope that we’d climb a mountain and revel in festive skelping; now equates to being caught in a flaming avalanche whilst trying to snowboard naked after 8 Guinnesses (or is it ‘Guinnessi’…). Trust me, it’s a bit of a sobering experience.
And YOU thought that last week’s first-half in Perth was dire. This week’s second-half in Killie: “Haud ma flamin’ beer…”
This was how leagues are lost – THE worst half of football by a Celtic side since Tony Mowbray wore his underpants on his head and shoved a pencil up each nostril in Paisley one cursed midweek, then played fifteen strikers on horseback in a re-enactment of the charge of the Light Brigade whilst losing 0-4 to a cackling ensemble of junkie gangsters.
The gibbering Zombies are now dreaming of silverware in multiples and we’re shaping up like the cursed covid season catastrophe needs played out once more but in front of populated stadiums. Well, I’m here to tell them it doesn’t – from Buck to the Board to the schizophrenic players: fingers oot, focus the heids and get the job done without messing around like prima donnas with entitlement passes. The jersey shrinks for no-one.
Go Away Now
Sandman
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President “Bobby” : Mr. Gardner, do you agree with Ben, or do you think that we can stimulate growth through temporary incentives?
[Long pause]
Chance the Gardener : As long as the roots are not severed, all is well. And all will be well in the garden.
President “Bobby” : In the garden.
Chance the Gardener : Yes. In the garden, growth has it seasons. First comes spring and summer, but then we have fall and winter. And then we get spring and summer again.
President “Bobby” : Spring and summer.
Chance the Gardener : Yes.
President “Bobby” : Then fall and winter.
Chance the Gardener : Yes.
Benjamin Rand : I think what our insightful young friend is saying is that we welcome the inevitable seasons of nature, but we’re upset by the seasons of our economy.
Chance the Gardener : Yes! There will be growth in the spring!
Benjamin Rand : Hmm!
Chance the Gardener : Hmm!
President “Bobby” : Hm. Well, Mr. Gardner, I must admit that is one of the most refreshing and optimistic statements I’ve heard in a very, very long time.
[Benjamin Rand applauds]
President “Bobby” : I admire your good, solid sense. That’s precisely what we lack on Capitol Hill.
Killie flood the mid-field , win every first and “Second” ball . Then use the long ball to isolate or by-pass Celtic’s mid-field . Celtic being out- muscled and over powered so what does Brendan do? He sends on ” Never made a tackle in his life and couldn’t keep weans out of a close ” , James Forest . He then supplements that with KYOGO obviously for his Ju Jitsu skills .
No change of shape or tactics —No plan- B . still 4-3-3 . Hammered in Europe , three times now for the same tactics . What was it Albert Einstein said about performing an experiment over and over again and hoping to get a different result ? Who is displaying the signs of madness the most ? Dispirited , dedicated Celtic fans like ourselves or Brendan ?
Didn’t care for Rodgers the first time, even less now. How long can he persevere with Forrest, Johnstone and Taylor? Why does Phillips get game time, he’s is really poor?
What has happened to McGregor? When will he try Scales at left back – where can go forward more, he is not without technical ability – and get one of the other FOUR centre backs playing – they can’t ALL still be injured? Why can’t we find wingers who can actually cross a ball? – if we don’t, there’s no point in having OH in a traditional striking role.
So much wrong, so much of it SO obvious.