SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ FARMVILLE
Q: When is a penalty not a penalty?
A: When it’s given to Celtic.Old joke on the sticks of 1980s ice-lollies Kris Boyd used to steal from other kids in the Ayrshire Zombie hellholes.
BANE – 6/10 – Livened up the early first half drudgery with a heart-in-mouth penalty-box dink narrowly over a Young Farmer closing him down. The fact he dinked it to Duffy in a tight position was a double-whammy akin to watching Ripley escape the Nostromo only to find the Alien in the escape pod. But as we suffered under pressure he got in a telling clearout or two in crucial moments.
JONJO O’NEILL – 6/10 – So quiet, but…Like the kid at the back of the class who said nothing but always joined in the playground kick-abouts and displayed a commendable level of competence, and took praise with a genial smile. Far too professional for us this season.
ALAN LADD – 5.5/10 – An anxious 90 minutes for him as he feared being rustled by locals and put to work ploughing fields with some of his relations. Watching through your fingers, you may have caught the hopeless positioning as their tallest farmhand out-skipped our smallest midfielder and defender to nod in the opener, and the remarkably cloven-hoofed giving away of the ball deep in injury time which allowed them to mount a final nerve-shredding attack. Between those moments of Shane-anigans, we did get a life-saving last-ditch tackle to stop a certainty; a great bit of defending worth a mention.
AJER – 6/10 – Not often you see fear in a Viking’s eyes but the name on the team-sheet beside him had Kristiano screaming like Janet Leigh. Did it affect him on the park? Well, more subdued than usual and if clumsiness is contagious he might want to get a test after a few unforced errors. He did, however, emerge relatively unscathed with a win.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 7/10 – This might be a breakfast time kick off for some of us, but for Greggs it’s positively evensong. Unfortunately still crosses like a Blue-Nose in chapel, BUT his commitment is outstanding; will not hide, and in a season like this has been, he may yet emerge as the best/surprise emergence of a period best forgotten.
BROON – 7/10 – What the hell is going on when Broon looks your most composed and comfortable-on-the-ball midfielder? Captain played a game of harnessed, sullen menace – burdened by our malfunctioning midfield – and thankfully managed to interfere and rally the Bhoys to victory when we needed him most.
CALMAC – 5/10 – Give the wee mhan a rest! The gyre of glory for the past Ghod-knows-how-long just looks burnt out and running on empty these days. This is Calmac playing from memory much as, for many of us, attempting to remember what it was like to stand in a pub with a pint watching the Hoops. Like some of your browser after a hefty session on PornHub, he needs refreshing. The question is, why am I the one pointing this out when there’s a whole coaching staff around him?
ROGIC – 6/10 – Was he going to reproduce a Paisley pattern and thrill us all again with vintage Oz? First-half he flared into life with some customary beguiling footwork, loping runs, and nearly opened the scoring. But Oz needs linkups, and as the game wore on and The Hoops’ engine stuck in neutral, his day became reminiscent of Fredo’s childhood in the cannibal village – nobody wanted to play with him.
CORPUS CHRISTIE – 6.5/10 – Back in after Lennony received a stern letter from his Dad. Was still floating about in an ineffectively irritable fashion when suddenly the Corpus of previous incarnation appeared like an apparition to provide a zipping cutback and a deft dummy to help win the match. Doubting Thomas ain’t fooled though – he’s still just a naughty boy pretending to be the Messiah.
EDDIE TURNBULL – 4/10 – Dogged by poor choices all game. Never quite got into it as his touch was off, and couldn’t buy a pass from Poundland if they were on offer at 99p.
FRENCH EDDY – 8.5/10 MOTM – Living out his homage to Neitzsche’s decade of isolation and creativity. Well, isolation. Then came the creativity, and the match winner won the match. Instinct, predatory cunning and mesmerising feet all on show – a shop window display that would have made Ramone from the Galleries Lafayette positively swoon. We have to enjoy this jewel in the Celtic Crown while we can – what other gem will come here now? This one’s a thoroughbred who’s been worked like a donkey, by an ass. (See how I didn’t mention Shane Duffy in the previous sentence at all, equine enthusiasts?)
In miserable conditions, in the midst of another miserable collective effort, the ‘lazy’ Gallic enigma was simply
superbe, or merveilleux as they say in Canada, for some strange reason, despite being a million miles from France; pretentious bar stewards…
SUBS:
GRIFF – N/A – Came on, endured a strenuous couple of minutes before fatigue affected his first touch.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE – N/A – Easy money replacing the ineffective before him. Made a nuisance of himself well enough to see out the game.
LENNONY – 6/10 – Having a retro Sunday can involve listening to The Stones and watching some DeNiro/Scorcese from the 70s. Maybe even the Banana Splits if you’ve any acid tabs left in the fridge from Saturday night…Lennony likes to chuck up a formation and selection we thought we’d seen the back of x-amount of disappointments ago. The old can-McStay-and-Collins-play-in-the-same-midfield argument is another he has replicated with his refusal to run Soro beside Broon. The answers is ‘hell, yes’ by the way.
So again a win is built on individuals excelling rather than a team combining overall; It was so in Lennony’s day which may explain the alarming lack of cohesion and pattern we’ve devolved into. He forgets that his Celtic team contained a King like no other and notable match-winning stars like Sutty and Hartson. Now we/he has Eddy. And that’s it. And when Eddy’s gone, that’s all folks – just like those retro cartoons ended with.
OVERALL – 6.5/10 – Another win. Yay. But this one was as laboured and haphazard as any previously. We play in shorter spells now because of poor conditioning. That doesn’t mean to say Celtic players are unfit – far from it; we’re as fit as opponents. Which is a problem. You don’t win Invincible trebles with the last kick of the season by just matching the rest.
The little wayward passes, the simple connections gone awry – all signs of the less than exceptional conditioning that separates the winners from the also-ran; that physical and mental uber sharpness which gives them the edge. You only really notice it when it’s gone. When poor results and performances begin to accumulate and that occasional misfire of the invincible season becomes a regular occurrence…
The team of our hearts gave us today the best present for Valentine’s Day, a well-deserved victory. Congratulations to the bhoys and hugs to all the wonderful fans. Hail Hail! 🍀🍀 #CelticFC💚 #STJCEL pic.twitter.com/S6sQH9Hixu
— Ilir Meta (@ilirmetazyrtar) February 14, 2021
And here we are. Trailing the Abominables by double figures on a day of tradition and celebration – Administration Day. It starts at the top amid hubris and conceit, and trickles down into every facet of the organisation.
Four wins on the trot and not a dent in the hull of the Titanic. The Zombies will sink eventually, and we’ll open the popcorn to watch them drown again. But not before they’ve achieved their dastardly mission. And not before we realise we’ve thrown away the opportunity of a generation by lackadasical, criminal negligence.
So to Wednesday, and on we go for five-in-a-row… Because ten is just a dream we dared to dream. Insert sigh here.
Go Away now.
Sandman
Meanwhile The Celtic Star has been raising funds for The Kano Foundation this weekend. If you order Matt Corr’s outstanding debut Celtic book, INVINCIBLE, you can get the author to add a personal dedication for you – idea for forthcoming birthdays etc – and he’ll be delighted to do that for you. Best still all the money will go to The Kano Foundation who are currently fund-raising so that they can continue to provide their unique and wonderful opportunity for so many thousands of youngsters to get the chance to visit Celtic Park, often for the very first time. You can read more about this using the link below and can click on the Invincible ad below that to order – and remember ALL the money goes to The Kano Foundation.
READ THIS…Celtic Supporters, Get Invincible and Send £20 to the wonderful Kano Foundation
Overnight position was £340 and another two sales already this morning take that to £380 raised for @KanoFoundation.
Wonderful generosity from the Celtic support, as always.
Another six orders for INVINCIBLE🍀🍀🍀 will get us to the magical £500 marker, which would be fabulous. https://t.co/T3sBEw1FlT
— Matt Corr (@Boola_vogue) February 14, 2021
