SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ GARGOYLE GROVE
“No penalty? Well I’ve been to a World Fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.” – Slim Pickens as Major ‘King’ Kong, in ‘Dr.Strangelove’
ROXIE – 7.5/10 – Big Joe steals the show… Almost. Tremendous ‘keeping to thwart Horribles Juniors, including a penalty stop that was reverted. Ultimately lost out in the psyche wars with Shawshank Redemption but played his role in the triumph.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA – 3/10 – Awful day for the young master, believing himself thrown back into the Barrios slums of Argentina, surrounded by pretendy Zombies – arguably worse than the real thing because of their innate denial… – the poor kid must have thought there was a Halloween party on a week early and just could not get his act together.
BIG MERCEDES – 6.5/10 – An eye-opening Scottish football baptism for the cultured German. This is what it’s REALLY like, big fella – carded for patting a pestering gimp on the head, penalised for being in the way of another imp bursting into the box; please note, before you berate Jenz, that said imp also conned their first pen with exactly the same deliberate play – heavy touch, ball miles away, take contact, aim for the turf. Still, he kept the heid, and stood up well to the late pressutre of forwards and officials to cost us something.
GET CARTER – 7/10 – Also a victim of dubious reffing (lol, that’s mild…) but an absolute uncompromising rock with a bad attitude – from their perspective…The big mhan seemed perturbed by the blatant cheating and got into the game in beast mode, covering both ends like a porn star as he sought justice. Captain Marvel, without the groodies.
TONY THE TIGER – 6/10 – A rollocking Jekyll and Hyde afternoon for the Ralstonado. Abused by deviants first half, recovered his composure to battle it out for the remainder like the Tony we rely on; always 100% a fighting Bhoy.
MOOEY – 6.5/10 – A game made for him. Would we get to see the combative side of Halloween Broony? Yes, and no – fellow Aussie antagonist Devlin made his life a misery with incessant biting – literally, almost – and Mooey missed a sitter that may have resulted in lesser players fading away, crestfallen. But his quality came through and he forged on, ending up the definitiion of ‘We Don’t Stop’ as he hauled tired legs around and fought like a Tasmanian devil to get us over the line.
THE BUILDER – 8.5/10 MOTM – They make ’em Englander Vikings tough. Been a few games since
the kid you’d never heard of a year ago was asked to take up the mantle of Celtic midfield general; Today was a reckoning. Reshuffled team functioning below par, an air of unheathly excitement bubbling around the Gloomdome, priapic officials egging on their second favourite Scottish team…The bhoy did wonders in the middle to hold that together for long enough spells that we could fashion enough chances to outscore VAR. Right to the death he remained a willing pivot and foil, attempting to dominate his midfield space as they swarmed. The finest display of the power of the id since Dr.Morbius in ‘Forbidden Planet.’
HAKUNA HATATE – 7.5/10 – Following up midweek with yet another ‘Reo at full fitness’
exhibition. Ball wasn’t really running for him today as many runs, flicks and dinks went unrewarded; so too his luck in front of goal. But there’s an added dimension of style to the spadework with a functioning Reo digging around in there that elevates our overall play.
JAMESY – 6.5/10 – All his career, Jamesy liked to be a hammer of the Hearts. He’s hammered quite a few up in Edinburgh on nights out and today he was back for more as the female population rushed to Edinburgh castle vaults to raid the medieval chastity belt collection. So it was inevitable that Jamesy was going to open something and luckily for us it was the scoring. Popping up (pun intended) to nod one past his old buddy and settle us into a comfortable win…Or so we thought….Then he tried to flip his way into their box on half-time and won a penalty for a clear handball. Or so we thought…Still, Jamesy can look back on another Edinburgh visit with satisfaction that he played his usual big part. And was decent in the match too.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – Ghod loves a trier. And we’ve gotta love Daizen. No matter the ugliness of surroundings and opponents, he puts his cultured Japanese aesthetics aside and gets stuck in. Many a time we’ve bemoaned his rampaging rogue human pinball routine but the univerese rewards persistence and the man of torment took it out on the Replicants today by whizzing into the perfect spot to slam home the third, and winner. Or so we thought…
SON OF JACKIE – 7/10 – Spent much of the game wrestling with the genetically engineered backline and conducting a staring contest with Little Nicky. Service to him was minimal, to say the least, but a goalscorer’s a goalscorer no matter the heavy going, and what a brilliant snapped header the big Greek Ghod conjoured up to bring parity.
SUBS –
GREGGS THE BAKER – 8/10 – The most improved player in Celtic’s history came off the bench cold and won the game. Not much more to say about Gregg’s folk-hero commitment to the cause and contributuion to it. Standing back offering a Di Caprio in ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ round of applause is the correct response today…
ABADASS – 7/10 – A surprise he was a warmer in the dugout today. But the feisty apprentice to the master-shagger took the field and gave us a needed spark late on to get the points, playing his own part in the winner with a deflected strike.
HACKY SACK – 7/10 – Wily, skillful, clever. He still may be finding his Celtic feet but there must be a major role in the Celtic story for this accomplished stylist who cossets the ball as if it were a protected species just when required, and can open up defences with a shimmy.
TWIST – N/A – Another ‘watch this space’ who strode around for injury time loooking mean and unsettling Andy Halliday. Who cried.
ANITA DOBSON – 8/10 – Restraint. And disbelief. Welcome to Scotland, plus one. If Big Ange thought he had a handle on the football culture here after a single triumphant season, then
lookout for the sequel as the Zombies introduce their secret weapon. Or weapons…Major re-jig of the side again gave us communication problems and the flow wasn’t smooth.
Final linkups failed everywhere as VAR linkups produced masonic miracles from an alternative reality. Our intricate Angeball dismantling of opposition resistance took 90 minutes to complete despite the justice of a two-goal lead being denied to us. Twice. Yet it was the left-back who materialised in their 6-yard box to notch the ecstatic strike; Angeball vidicated. So the boss gets a true lesson in ludge tomfoolery and outright mendacity. And he knows the great Stein’s axiom for what it really means now.
MIBBERY – 9/10 – Ha. Ha. You pair of sleekit Zombies. Blue balls for the blue noses and outright impotence as their cloven hooved bretheren fail to beat the Junkie Zombie Jailbird Select at Mordor while I write this…Guiness opened….Despite a red card and 8 minutes injury time – No laughing at the back there – many fat hoors will feel the wrath tonight. Look, we all speculated on how VAR would be implemented in this cesspit culchural landscape. But I doubt many thought it would be quite so blatant, and before even a half of play had passed.
But no, Little Shiny Nick and Slickened Stevie the lubed-up VAR Bear got together to ‘play when-is-a-penalty-not-a-penalty?’ and ‘Screw-the-Celts-no-goal-for-f-all’ on their Commodore 64. Teething problems, they’ll equivocate. They’ll be lucky to have any teeth left if they encounter the Celtic support. Quite incredible preVARication from a pair of shysters inculcated with brazen deceit by a culchur that condones defrauding a certain club to the benefit of another institution built on bigotry and supremacism. Vermin.
OVERALL – 6/10 for the football, 8/10 for beating VAR too. If only it was just about the footy. We struggled in the rain, and amid the ugliness, unable to get them under the cosh. But then when we did crowbar some daylight in, that opening was rammed shut by the story of the game… Who knows what might have been had we played in a dimension where the laws of football are the guidelines for decision making, and not inbred prejudice. Ha, ha, Dorothy, such a place doesn’t exist. Click those red heels some more. Those brave Bhoys will have to take on the flying Zombie squadrons on their terms. And yet… This win was all the sweeter, as they blew their VAR load early, flagging up all the warnings, revealing the true nature of refereeing in the accursed SPFL and vindicating – actually publicly, globally – all we’ve maintained for decades:
Cheating. Zombie. Bar. Stewards..
Right.
Roon. Ye!
Go Away Now
Sandman
