Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Gargoyle Road


Un-named EXECUTIVE 1: “Right, who’s got the list of these mugs who want tae be the new high-heid-yin?”

Un-named EXECUTIVE 2: ‘Here. Pennywise the Clown, Andy Cameron, Frank fae Shameless…”

EXEC 1: “Frank who?”

EXEC 2: ‘Gallagher.’

EXEC 1: “Irish name, discard.”

EXEC 2: ‘Aye awright… eh, Britney Spears, Schrodinger’s Cat, Zebedee fae The Magic Roundabout, Doctor Doolittle and My Darlin’ Clementine. Ah like Dr.Doolittle ‘cos he can talk tae the animals…’

Philippe Clement – Photo StevexWelsh

Un-Named EXECUTIVE 3: ‘Ah quite like Pennywise The Clown.’

EXEC 1: “Shutup you, Johnny Bravo heid. If you hudnae been shoppin’ for third-hand porn mags down Hackney market and run intae Mickey Beale last year we widnae be in this flaming state. Anyway, who’s the Clementine burd?””

EXEC 2: ‘Well, it’s a Belgian fella, allegedly – Cannae tell these days… – called Philippe. Clement, no’ clementine. That was ma’ wee twist…’

EXEC 1: “Aye, but is a clementine no’ a fruit?”

EXEC 2: ‘Aye, an orange, Ah think.’

EXEC 1: “An orange ye say?”

EXEC 2: ‘Eh? Aye…Ahhhhh…’

EXEC 1: “Gentlemen, it may be that we have a winning candidate…”

– Excerpt from leaked notes of board meeting selection process at the Rangers International Ltd.

ROXIE – 6/10 – Big Joe made to feel at home both ends with assorted wee loyalist chumps flying their union flags and then giving him abuse for being English. That mentality is rife in parts of the capital…Kept the big guy amused while the bhoys took the Mikey, sparking him into action for a fine stop and a forlorn attempt to claw at
a Spankland consolation he had no chance with; to be fair a fine, unstoppable finish.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – Busy as ever but more disciplined in his movement as he prioritised being available to his backline to beat their press over roving forward. Still proved a vital cog.


WAYNE GRETZKY – 6.5/10 – Like Greggs, focussed and controlled. Tough as Bobby Charlton’s (RIP, sir, a proper gentleman and world-class footballer) old boots, he relished the nippy sweeties who attempted to antagonise;
none shall pass.

OF JUSTICE – 7/10 – The Bhoy keeps delivering, keeps acing tests with the right flying colours. At his best when he’s totally tuned into proceedings and risk-averse; so it was again this afternoon as he barely put a defensive foot or constructive pass wrong. Highlight of his day, a marvellous diving block to snuff a late chance.

GET CARTER – 7/10 – If none shall pass Gretzky, none can even see the pass beyond CCV’s breadth. A monolith in the middle, crushing Diet hopes with every maroon bouncing off him, or interception. So imposing a monolithic presence was he, that by 90 minutes some locals were beginning to leave offerings at his feet and Stanley Kubrick was spotted filming from the directors’ box.

CALMAC – 7.5/10 – He just won’t stop. Tick-tock, tick-tock. Running around for Scotland might have taken it out of some but the skip was back with a bite, treating us to exemplary midfield control and those invigorating surges out of trouble that gird the loins more than Ursula Andress emerging out the surf (Look it up, kids.)

THE BUILDER – 9/10 MOTM – Guile? Wow. Dig? Yup, as I hark on about. But more? Swagger – the kid’s found extra belief in his ability; the sort of assured confidence that makes truly great players stand apart. That finish today – dropping from the left shoulder, taken on the volley in stride, controlled, guided, deadly… Heard that, watching at the bar of Amsterdam pub ‘Thetimtoker’, Marco Van Basten shoved Denis Bergkamp off his stool, exclaiming loudly, “Ooft! Ya flamin’ dancer…”

Around that goal of the season came a smorgasbord of passing, tackling and brilliant runs. Glorious display.
Fell on his arse once, so…9.

HAKUNA HATATE – 6.5/10 – Take that man off the pens, ffs. Had a fiver on 5-1. Reo stuck it out even though his space was tight and his game required more combat than creativity. That showed, however, in his delicious flick to set up the 4th. Will get better with further game-time as he develops a rhythm.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – He can’t cross and he can’t smash one in from 20 yards – great save tho’ – but he can poke in from 2 yards and send the ZOMBIES apoplectic with offside VAR rage. Even you thought it was off until you saw the lines…Daizen remained, well, everywhere until his deserved rest; his nuisance factor must be the highest on planet football. Thank Ghod he’s our nuisance.

KILLER MUSHROOM – 7/10 – No Kyogo, no party. The wee mhan loves to get in on the fun and in typical style popped up to pop the Minis in classic predatory fashion. 60 Hooped goals even faster than the King Of Kings; I’m retiring on that stat right there. Kyogo will continue in his inscrutable way. 100 incoming…

BRIAN DE – 6.5/10 – He daintily has a particular style – I mean, just watch some of his films – and on the park it’s a guileful drift of poise and feet; very difficult to combat, like wondering if a cobra’s going to dance with you or take a bite. His bite today was early and venomous, dinking a perfectly-weighted ball for Matty to open the scoring.


YING – 6/10 – Here comes Korean Colin – the kid that joins in the playground game and everyone’s wondering if he’s any good because he looks kind of detached from actual reality. But in that world of his own he turns out to look quite promising; unlucky not to score.

OH BHOY – 6.5/10 – Oh, oh, oh he’s mag… managed to miss three times but cause a kerfuffle enough in his time on the park for the killer 4th.

TONIO IWATAO – 6.5/10 – “Do you know who Larry Grayson is?”

‘Eh, Mr.Brendan, you mean proper Larry Grayson or you racist?”

“Em, Larry Grayson – ‘Shut that door!’?”

‘Ah, Larry Grayson, yaaaa. “You shut door!” I see 80s re-runs Generation Game in Japan culture show.”‘

“Aye, that’s him – I want YOU to go on and shut the door!”

‘Ah, me – I be Larry Grayson; I shut that door!’

And on he came, and…

Well, Barca to the sword, now Bassas to the sword. Tonio can’t disguise his natural finishing ability and smashed
in a cracker that fair rattled the stolen drainpipes they use for posts. Also took a yellow for some scrote running
into his guns. A busy half hour, you might say.

JAMESY – 6.5/10 – Jamesy’s used to scoring in Edinburgh. Today he applied some really nice subtle touches and looked well up for it, dancing about with verve and style, but in the end there was no climax for all his grinding and penetrating. He also managed 15 minutes of football too.

THE SHNAKE – 7.5/10 – Are the ghosts of the past gradually being dispelled? Is this second coming turning out like a Dickens classic or the end of It’s A Wonderful Life? Are rights being wronged, and do the wronged have forgiveness in their hearts? Results and performances like today are the only currency that will buy his soul back.

These are Brendan’s Bitcoins and we’re still wondering if the market is bear or bull; he’s been full of the latter, but empty words will be forgotten if the furits of his new labours continue to flourish on the pitch like they have been recently. Seven games in 21 days – navigate them well with your squad and Xmas just may come early.

MIBBERY – 2/10 – Couldn’t quite make out the offside lines on the monitor for Dazien’s second due to Damien Dallas’ tears streaking the screen. He knew then, and Little Nick, that their diabolical plans were sunk in full view. Thereafter, only a petulant card to a Bhoy for scoring drew any sort of admiration/mocking.

OVERALL – 8/10 – A comfortable win at the capital’s rats’ nest without controversy or hinderance to the greater scheme. Not often we get that luxury. Extra schadenfreude in Nasalsmith occupying the home dugout and the home fans refusing to occupy so many of the seats they squealed about retaining for themselves.

Football-wise we blended the sublime with the efficient – great rotation and speed of pass; ran them into the ground so that by the time our legs felt it, they were on their knees and incapable of causing much trouble. All-in it was a perfect start to the tempestuous few weeks ahead – a run that can make or break your season. If I
were a betting man – which I am, if rubbish at it – I’d say that the odds were in favour of our Bhoys getting through
with spills, thrills and smiles on all our faces by the time of year we’re all thinking just like Jamesy – about what’s
going to be in stockings.

But then, what do I know?

Hey-hay; correct. Just enjoy the ride.

Go Away Now



About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor David Faulds has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email

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