Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Giedi Prime


“Pay attention to your enemies. For they are first to discover your mistakes.” – Antisthenes

ROXIE – 7/10 – Farewell tour of cesspits ends in the biggest football swamp of all. And though he conceded three, the big fella claimed a beautiful assist within 20 seconds and saved the jerseys with a blinding double-footer stop before half-time. No chance with the second-half goals as the defence fell back like the Zombies’ ancestors down the evolutionary ladder until all that was left between basic survival and oblivion was Joe’s presence; we made it, just.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – “Shut yer holes, fatboys!” he jibed at the enclosure of Baron Vladimir Harkonnen lookalikes. And he’d been quietly effective – and not culpable – over the game; just lacking the defensive influence we’ve seen from him that might’ve seen out the win.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6/10 – Did he not make a Celtic debut here just one short year or so ago? Like a second home, he’ll tell you; if your second home was an abattoir in the slums of Sodom. And here’s one for you armchair Colinas – NOT a penalty! Aye, it looked like he caught the freaky junkie skateboarder on the thigh in the VAR replay… BUT, his first contact was WITH THE BALL which bounced up and resulted in the follow-through and penalty. That’s my take through seven pints. And it’s probably flaming RIGHT. Also agreed upon by an amateur ref who’s a Zombie; and I bought him nothing…

OF JUSTICE – 5.5/10 – This place holds no fear for Liam. Descendent of rebels, the Ginger Gaelic Baresi showed the fermenting descendants of Baldrick what a sophisticate can do, sporting a pipe and slippers in the face of mythic ugliness, coasting right through a comfortable opening period…Then the tides turned. And he fell into a lax posture when we required a vicious, ruthless defensive approach. Bitter luck with their second clattering in off his shins, but it was a sign of the ground we’d conceded; for me, part of his job was to push the line higher.

GET CARTER – 6.5/10 – He doesn’t hate the Zombies, he just has a growling distaste for their peskiness – like a grizzly shaking off ferrets. Forcibly in their faces, pretty dominating, yet pinned by the wind and ultimately a victim of circumstances. He may regret not holding them further up the park after the admirable stoicism we’d shown until then failed us in injury time. But it was coming.

TONIO IWATAO – 6/10 – He’s a very good DM, but he’s no Calmac (on form). Seemed to be taken by surprise by the furious pace. However, adjusted to the rhythm; but therein lay the key to victory – he couldn’t SET it.

HAKUNA HATATE – 6/10 – Paying tribute to the late great Akira Toriyama, Reo was determined to welcome a stadium of manga demons to the slaughter. He looked well capable but also just off his best; those precious micro-seconds of deliberation were the first-half difference between 2-0 and 5-0 and the end of them as we know it. Again. But he’ll get better with game-time and so will we as a collective. Hopefully JUST in time…

THE BUILDER – 8/10 MOTM – This may also be Matty’s final hurrah at the Hate Pit and that would explain the human sacrifices found in the showers as the Viking Gods were called upon to protect one of their own. And didn’t he do well as the game progressed and the equalising conditions prevailed and it cried out for quality on the ball? That we got – when he could – and it would have been more but for Thor cursing his luck. Yet he still managed – among all the chaos and pressure – to Panenka the ‘greatest goalie England has ever seen’ and was denied a spectacular heider by the hand of same.

TAKINTE – 4/10 – The ultimate validation of any prospective Celtic hero is the skelper trial. He failed after early promise. Today could have been his day but in these contests he who hesitates vegetates, and his contribution dissipated.

Kyogo Furuhashi is challenged by John Souttar  during the  Scottish Premiership match between theRangers and Celtic at Ibrox on April 07, 2024 (Photo by Stu Forster/Getty Images)

KILLER MUSHROOM – 5/10 – Play him, feed him, win the title. Yet even with the gale, the deliveries were over or under hit or never materialised; the one clear cut opening he had similar to September, he chose to move a few extra touches. Will we ever play to his strengths again, though – TITLE winning strengths – and just bloody well fire
the ball into danger zones for him to snaffle? Like the Zombies did all flaming second half…

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – Trailer park Tavpen goes ’round the outside ‘Round the outside, ’round the outside Trailer park Tavpen goes ’round the outside ‘Round the outside, ’round the outside… As if you didn’t know DaizEminem would sneak up on the gimpy Zombie captain and expose him for what he is (phish). Well, you might have thought DaizEminem would have waited until the foam settled on your first breakfast pint until he stabbed them in the jacksy – I blew mine all over the pub Zombies like confetti. And but for one classic ‘cross’ into the assembled orcs he was once more the most reliable of front hustlers we have; a perpetual danger to hesitating heathens.


CALMAC – 4/10 – Patched up, propped up, Armalite AR-18 duck-taped to his shoulder. Then it backfired on him and he gifted the Zombie equaliser at 2-2 with a crazy slack pass across the mid. Always THE mhan to start. Not always – never? – the bhoy to bring on…

YING – N/A – Nope. Promising kid, back in the game, just couldn’t get into the game.

SAINT BERNARDO – N/A – The twin for the twin; a cunning plan that never quite transpired…Though nearly. Managed to lay on the 3rd in his short time.

DUNCAN IDAHO – 6.5/10 – Bang! Roon ye! Nearly… Such a deflating outcome after the big ghuy had all but written himself into the French Eddy legendary tales as a winning Skelper. He’d fluffed a great break before, then had seen his goalscoring dreams come true. Then… Aw, heaven’s sake.

THE SHNAKE – 6.5/10 – He expected a deadly duel with Feyd Rautha, he ended up puncturing Baron Harkonnen but not finishing him. And why? Well, I’m biased – as haters will point out – but the Rodgers luck had regurgitated its sickening second-half reversal to put us within a few moments of a title-defining win.

Right then, where was the magician’s prestige? Where was the substitution to kill time and let them consider the utter mess-up of a side they were in front of their seething masses? Where was the Scales-for-Nawrocki sleight of hand switch that fired new venom and no-nonsense into an embattled defensive line? That took the incessant pressure off the weary warriors to be shouldered by an uncompromising, experienced Glasgow Derby winner? Ergo – exactly the move made in December’s win, though forced. It didn’t transpire. Because you were riding the victory wave of euphoria, Brendan, and NOT paying attention to the eight minutes of trauma ahead. Harsh? No chance. That’s how great managers win titles.

Referee John Beaton explains his decision to Tom Lawrence after disallowing the second Rangers goal after a VAR check during theScottish Premiership match between theRangers and Celtic FC at Ibrox on April 07, 2024. (Photo by Stu Forster/Getty Images)

MIBBERY – 5/10 – The Boolin’ club mentality of the Scottish football authorities has never come into such stark evidence as with this appointment. While a professionally-run organisation would have kept a known cheater  a million miles from such global scrutiny, the Wee Free troglydites and imperial entitled tragedies that form such a body just could not resist sticking it publicly to the Celts.

When we look for transparency in a supposed neutral sporting body (no laughing at the back) it generally means clarity in communications and decision-making; not publicly declaring yourselves scurrilous, embittered citrus fruit servers. But this is Scotland 2024, where the Zombies walk the streets emboldened by state endorsement and junta protection.

And lo, their scapegoat for their own incompetence made a decent fist of it under immense pressure. My phished-up point is made regards their penalty; won by a scummy flouncing degenerate who looks like the indie-movie neighbourhood dealer who gets high-school cheerleaders hooked on smack to pimp out. If I’m accurate then it’s Walsh on VAR to call-out, surprisingly enough…

Fabio Silva dives inside the Celtic penalty area and cons a penalty from Alistair Johnston of Celtic. referee John Beaton initially booked Fabio Silva of theRangers for simulation but reversed the yellow card and awarded Rangers a penalty kick after a VAR review,  7 Apr 2024. Stuart Wallace/Shutterstock

OVERALL – 6.5/10 – The Zombies – still flaming horrendous, but now organised, focussed and playing out of their skins under the terror regime of The Beast Rabban angrily prowling the sidelines. Us – searching after 30-plus games for a focussed and winning formula. One we have recently looked like finding, and so nearly had today.

A Schadenfreude Sunday of epic proportions let slip by shoddy game-management by the man to whom Celtic means ‘utterly everything.’ Fnarr, Fnarr…Of course, I’m just a prick with an opinion and the Brendanistas will be bubbling at the shiny-shiny memory of the effervescent closing moments ; a period of time that I will repeat my take on – we blew it because the boss failed to act, too caught up in his own seeming good fortune once more.

You probably think different; I write this nonsense without any reference – I prefer pure reactive opinion as honest appraisal, rather than crowd-think or surmised take. We blew that today just purely down to lack of micro-managing specific moments rather than the God-awful windy conditions that did dictate a large part of the proceedings. So close and yet so far. As you were, and simply put – just win six in a row and the title’s ours. Get at it, Bhoys.

Go Away Now


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About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor David Faulds has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email


  1. Brian McAllister on

    Less funny and more snarky with every passing week. Maybe try writing your convoluted obscure shite sober you bitter clown.

  2. Sandman was the main thing I wanted to read re yesterday’s game. Funny and incisive opinions.

  3. Perhaps Hoops would have won if Calmac and B R had imbibed 🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺 before the game.😂😂
    Double still on.
    Hail Hail.