SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ JAMBALAYA…
“In cinemas near you soon – a rollocking Swedish musical comedy as a merry band of rampaging norsemen
go to Govan and make a stadium of gurning mutants greet their eyes out. Don’t miss Malmo Mia 2.” MGM trailer.
ROXIE HART – 6/10 – Straight form Chicago jail to Czech outpost. She always had ambitions of stardom and now the chance to fulfil them at Paradise and not some seedy jazz club. The murder rap won’t fit outside the USA but murder might be on her mind when stuck behind this defence. Any dreams of a debut clean sheet got rudely disturbed after 20 minutes of relative comfort when dopey defending gave them a gift one-on-one.
Then the comedy phenomenon of her Chicago era appeared late on to involve her in a keystone Cops sketch for their second. Did manage a fine block to thwart a third, however. Overall, such a famous presence in nets does carry an aura of stability. Here’s hoping it can manifest as a virus caught by the rest of the defence.
TONY THE TIGER – 4/10 – From Saturday’s Aztec Stadium ’86 miracles to Thursday’s Third Lanark struggles. Rough first half as Tony wrestled to get to grips with sprightly winger, looked shaky and indecisive; then again, when does one of our defenders not? But there was no gilding his poor performance today as he completed the game in turmoil, lost in space when they notched that second.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 4/10 – Toil and trouble – 90 minutes of pained expressions like he burnt his fingers in the bakery ovens. Not as pained as those on the faces of us watching him hustle through the game. Never sharp enough or deliberate in his execution. Few positive moments. All the industry and effort in the world won’t make
up for the crucial, missing, distinctive element of class; Celtic class.
STARLORD – 5.5/10 – Well, he might have improved on Saturday’s calamity, but not by much of a stretch. Absent of four mutant henchmen (he’ll be able to recruit more from the crowd, last Sunday in August…) he looked uncomfortable to be exposed and basically play as a lone central defender. As big Nir strode forward to solidify the midfield, Starlord got swamped and flustered too many a time. Positionally hit and miss, he needs a defensive
partner roped within ten yards of him. For all the above murmurings, he still kept his head relatively well given the disastrous full-back play and space consequently afforded to their front men.
BITTON – 6/10 – The Good, the Bad, and the Morelos of the one-fingered hitman all on show today.
The Good – priceless ability to step from deep and play a killer ball to turn a game, exemplified by unleashing Mr.Kobayashi.
The Bad – wandering minstrel defending as a Czech bus driver drove through the gap left in the centre of
defence onto a simple lob to open their scoring.
The Morelos – lashed the ball into his own net for their second after it had come off the post. I’m not
having the ‘it was in’ mince – it came back to Nir and he failed to wrap his foot round it and clear off the line; nor do I buy the ‘showing Mr.Kobayashi how to do it,’ excuse.
MAN OF – 7/10 – Another tireless water-carrier performance. Plenty of energy and thankfully so, as he was left in tandem with Calmac once again to take care of the midfield. Doing the Broony job very well to date.
CALMAC – 8.5/10 MOTM – Simply remarkable. Both the motivational and creative drive. Excellent football, relentless involvement; making up for the paucity of others’ contributions with rousing play, deserved to be capped with a goal. He’ll be unstoppable with a quality midfielder actually functioning properly beside him…
EDDIE TURNBULL – 3.5/10 – Geriatric ailments are no excuse. Nor is his apprehension at travelling to the Czech Republic – he was reassured before getting on the plane that it was no longer Nazi-occupied. Nope, I’m afraid he’s just not imposing himself on the game at all. Floating around, looking for moments to influence. Managed one, smart dink through for Jamesy’s strike. But around that, lapses, giving away possession, MIA. An ethereal presence, mostly, when we require an involved playmaker to link with Calmac and the frontline; constantly.
JAMESY – 6.5/10 – Much more like it. Quiet first-half, but that was due to shooting at the empty end of the ground. Soon as we turned for the second period, Jamesy was running at a stand behind the goals. Containing
wimmen. And how it inspired. He was a fleet-footed thorn in their side, slamming our third into the roof of the net with his standing leg (great finish) and celebrating with a cheeky flash to the ladies behind the goals of his third leg…Then set up Corpus to topple onto a fine cross to kill the game, and probably tie. More game time equals more Jamesy, girls. This could be his season if we can keep him fit and involved; his dynamism lifts the attacking verve in ways we’ve missed; game-changing ways.
ABADASS – 6.5/10 – Lively and damaging all first-half; nice to see him have an impact after fading on Saturday.
Scored, might have had a double, created enough entertaining chaos to merit his start. Still just a bhoy in a strange new land (And, boy, is it going to get stranger when he soon gets a look at the Mordor Mob…He’ll think he’s on a Stranger Things safari) with a point to prove, and making a decent fist of it.
MR.KOBAYASHI – 7/10 – Keiser Soze approves. All-round enlightening play; deft and quality touches for his first
goal – the Japanese Cadete. Then the incredible generosity of spirit shown second-half to smash another ball into the stand for the artful dodger who stole one in the first-half…Movement looked very good, kept appearing in dangerous areas like a deadly Pokemon, and we wonder what he’s capable of when the team’s firing properly; prospects are enticing.
Thank everybody for support and confidence!
Next stop, Celtic Park🍀初先発、初得点、チームの勝利🍀結果は出せた、でも、まだまだいける！これに満足することなく、チームに貢献していきます！ pic.twitter.com/py9Q0F5Zjc
— Kyogo Furuhashi 古橋 亨梧 (@Kyogo_Furuhashi) August 5, 2021
SUBS:
ROGIC – 5.5/10 – Jolly Swagman thrown on by his compatriot to trouble their midfield more than Eddie T.
And he did, showing some strength and purpose; a promising sign from Oz, in contrast to his more recent ineffectual cameos.
CORPUS CHRISTIE – 6.5/10 – What a fall. Feeling his opponent close tight from behind, he squealed and threw himself as far from danger as possible…Right into the path of Jamesy’s cross to divert it zipping into the net. His eyes were closed but it still counts. This was a sign from his Da. Not Charlie – we’ve heard enough from that one – but his Sky Fairy Da. Do you believe in the honesty of the Corpus diving header, in which case he going to commit to Celtic. Or do you believe in the infidel Sandman’s version of events, in which case he’s fluked it because he’s
offski and was saving his own rear end?
It’s one of those Holy Conundrums Jesus kept annoying people with in the Bible when all they wanted was
a quiet pint – the ones where you don’t get a straight answer, just a headache trying to work it out.
FRENCH EDDY – N/A – On for Griff’s new rival, Japanese Eddy, tasked with running the line and not getting injured, as we need all the cash from his sale we can get to buy a defence. In fairness he managed to be consequently inconsequential. No, I’m not sure what I mean by that either.
ANITA DOBSON – 7.5/10 – Kudos to Ange for staying brave; Front three, new bhoy the focal point, had the measure of his opponents and the conviction of his tactics to set us up for a go at them; basically a back three as well, asking Nir to step up into the midfield whenever opportune. Sat back with a tinny and his feet up and scoffed at them scoring a couple. “Fakk’em we’ll get four, mayte…”
No doubting his attacking intent but if he’s not fully aware we need a couple of fullbacks and a ruthless defensive leader, he should be now. Get such in and we’ll romp the SPL this season because the forward-thinking dynamism looks the most lively since The Snake shook things up.
OVERALL – 7/10 – Frustrating joy. Four goals in a perceived tricky away tie. Enough about us to look like we can pump them on a decent day. But defensive problems persist – our penalty box looks like the ‘Don’t Panic’ scene from Airplane every time the ball is knocked in. Our defenders look stunned at the sheer audacity of opponents to play the ball anywhere near them, and by the time the shock’s worn off our hearts are in our mouths and the ball looming ominously near our goal.
But we’ve all seen numerous dull, blunt euro away efforts that have thrown up bewildering disappointment, so to rack up four in the Czech Republic at any time is something to enjoy with cautious encouragement, if not relish.
Go Away Now.
Sandman
So keen to wax lyrically about Calmac you completely forgot to mention the guy actually doing Scott Browns job…. albeit with less, experience and reading of the game. Where is, “The man of ancient Soro?”
Sorry but what a lot of awful nonsense .. please next time .just stick to the plain text and make any inciteful, informative comments!
calmac man of the match ,you must be joking,gave the ball away at least 6 times,every pass over 25 yards failed,marks no one at free kicks or corners,totally overated.why dont you watch him properly.