SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ LESSER SODOM…

“Well, Ah live oan the South Queensferry beach in a shack made fae bones, inside the enormous desiccated rib cage ay some long-ago washed-up leviathan of the sea, where Ah drink moonshine, listen tae homemade dance music an’ write poetry aboot fallin’ in love wi’ a Hentai girl brought tae life by Angel Magic. How?”

– Robbie ‘Denis’ Neilsen, Heart Of Midlothian manager interviewed on ‘Life Outside Football’ podcast.

ROXIE – 8.5/10 – Soccer expert Tam McManus thinks Celtic need to replace Joe Hart…It’s showtime and the showgal is a stopper and a half! Quite brilliant save and heroic block from big Joe who’s currently living out some kind of Roy Of The Rovers twilight to his phenomenal career. Tam? Just… Hush.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 7/10 – He’ll take a battering and incomprehensible abuse from the frothing
goonies along the stand and still give as good as he gets. Scrapped it out all game, winning the tussles that mattered; rises like his bread rolls to the occasion here.

STAR LORD – 6/10 – What happened? There, putting in a steady, focussed shift, then gone – a mystery of the universe beyond Carl Sagan as our Carl failed a half-time sanity test and a talking racoon was glimpsed grumbling around the dingy corridors of Swinecastle.

GET CARTER – 9/10 MOTM – “Open the pod bay doors, Cal…” No. And our 2001 Space Odyssey monolith at the heart of defence won’t open anything for the opposition, either. A tank with the heart of a lion and a fearsome desire to engage in combat and win. Nightmare for expectant opposition as he rebukes about everything you
can throw at him, then throws in the killing heider and throws back a Sunday League Special to cripple the cheekist maroon cloon within range; Would have been a 10/10 if Halliday had been on the end of it…

WAYNE GRETZKY – 8/10 – Another rocky mountain man to work off CCV in a combination of steel and granite. Luckily they both speak the same language – North Americanski – so that right side of defence was a sealed unit.
Faith in his backup allowed AJ to roam to matchwinning effect – terrific run to set up the Half-time entertainment right in the yapping gubs of the ‘home support’*.

The Bhoy’s a deceptive animal of a player who digs the physical challenges but utilises the professional game intelligence at the core of his ability extremely well as a control mechanism; otherwise he’d be tempted to just run around smashing up wee pre-ricks like Halliday; ah, wouldn’t we all… Quite a find.

*Zombies with nothing to watch until Sunday afternoon.

CALMAC – 7/10 – Where’s the Calmac brand of kitchen roll that’s the most obvious endorsement ever seen: “CALMAC – absorbency like no other; tidy your (big…) hoose today”. The footballer’s footballer cruised through, sitting deep most second period after bursting into life intermittently first half to show the world what naturally gifted footballing feet can cultivate. Allied his positional instinct terrifically to stifle their final balls as they pressed to get back in the game; a captain who leads by example and admiration. Get that treble for him.

MOOEY – 7.5/10 – Starts quite slowly, they say… What flaming clown writes phish like that? Tam McManus levels of bollocks…So Mooey stayed up all night to prove a point and guided in a spanking ripping yarn of a finish before they’d even taken the protective sash off the VAR monitor, to spill lunchtime Guinness all over the place. But it flavoured the chips (breakfast) perfectly.

He potted around after that like an octagenarian gardener trying to germinate runner beans but remained alert enough to pick out his runner – AJ storming to the byline – to kill off the filthy degenerates as hope for a second-half reprisal bloomed in their black hearts. Icing on the cake from a Mooey top performance are his post-game
interviews – so zoned-out I expect to smell hash from the telly and see him exit on a skateboard mid-sentence.

HAKUNA HATATE – 7/10 – Reo, Reo – all about the endeavour today and no golden finishes to slay the Edinburger Ludge. But even not at his deadliest, for every blocked shot or save there’s a lift in your adrenalin levels when he
gets on the ball or turns an opponent; the sheer footballing potential is worth the ticket alone. Or dodgy hacked firestick pub stream.

HACKY SACK – 6/10 – Ach, the only mild disappointment of the day. Still gave us a shift but after Wednesday’s worldy the promise of more Hacky wizardry was in the air, only to be overwhelmed by the stench from the stands as his threat fizzled out.

DEADLY NIGHTSHADE – 7.5/10 – ‘Aye the wee mhan canny shake off those bas…YAAAAASS!” He’s here, he’s there, he’s every flaminwhere, and BANG! – the workrate and the run-rate pay off with a sumptuous finish after he squeezes his tiny form into a gap hardly the size of Andy Halliday’s winkie – micro according to Jamesy – and
the word ‘TREBLE’ begins to flash in yer heids. He’s irrepressible and looks unstoppable.

NOTEBOOK – 7/10 – Some jiving lessons for their fullback and lessons in grace for the embittered hordes venting their Minis bile at him; usually at the back of his jersey as he tore at their goalmouth, causing carnage and goals with those mesmerising feet. Looks back at it with intent, like a thoroughbred ready for Cheltenham.

SUBS –

MR.KOBAYASHI – 6.5/10 – ‘Wow, who the hell’s that?’ I questioned at around the 56th minute when he plucked a high ball out of the sky with a deft touch, which he also displayed later as I wondered why Star Lord had become very cool and unflustered second half. And also Japanese…

OH BHOY – N/A – On, smash about, have fun in a raucous atmosphere.

THE BUILDER – N/A – Little time for craft like the viking shipbuilders, but our builder nearly notched one for himself and delivered a few quality balls.

ABADASS – N/A – Zippy, though after being clattered kept his head down and his shins safe.

TONIO IWATAO – N/A – Your Japanese security service, please apply late-on for added Yakuza steel.

ANITA DOBSON – 8/10 – Got yer Spurs on Ange? Hello Daily Rangers hacks, how’s that workin’ out for ya? Illiterate deleewwdeds; Wrote that in a Michael Beale accent. No prizes for guessing the starting XI, and no surprises in how Angeball took shape – most pleasing to the big mhan will be the veracity with which we went at them from the whistle and the quicker release of cutting passes seeking Kyogo runs, as he’d commented upon after Wednesday. Cup fun over until we get to pump their big cousins again, Ange will focus on the Edinburgh sequel next weekend – Trainspotting 3 – and the beginning of the final countdown as the games left tick down from 10.

Nobody sleeps on the job under Ange’s watch. Golden times ahead.

MIBBERY – 3/10 – Meh, not even Gollum on the VAR could conjure any feint of sorcery to defy the hooped machine. Nancy Drew pulled a card on CCV to put him firmly in the driving seat for the Season’s Bravest MIB award at the annual Goatlovers Ball next month. But this Celtic side ultimately left them grasping air with a comprehensive, controlled bludgeoning.

OVERALL – 8/10 – A comfortable cup win in the frenzied cauldron of Gargoyle Road, vilified by a festering rabble on three sides of their prototype unionist Death Star; like rogue DNA from Jim Henson’s workshop got into the
local water supply.

Given the event and the high stakes, the Bhoys turned in a champions performance, eviscerating them with rapier pace and blunting their rebuke with stoicism. This was the cup game at Hearts you fantasised about – no panic, no lamentable collapse, no surrendering (see what I did there, unhealthily excited Zombie interlopers?) the treble dream. A competent, determined Celtic team out to share our vision of scooping the lot.

So… Cup semi ahead, a title maybe tied up before it to go with the Mickey Mouse Cup we wouldn’t even let the Zombies win just for a laugh. These are the magic days, Celtic being proper Celtic, upholding a legacy, forging new history; heroes for a new age, and a relish for more and more of it shared by us all.

Treble Yell Ahoy…Ahoy! Land, sea and sky!

Go Away Now

Sandman

READ THIS…Photo of the Day: When Harry Kewell met a 15-year-old Aaron Mooy 17 years ago

Matthew Marr’s debut Celtic book – ‘The BOULD BHOYS – Glory to their name’ comes out on to Friday 24 March. Thanks to everyone who has ordered since we announced the book on Monday evening via an interview with the author. Please note that all pre-ordered books will be personally signed by Matthew Marr and you can order below if you’d like a signed copy posted out to you 24 March.

READ THIS...‘The Bould Bhoys – Glory to their name’ by Matthew Marr