Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Mogadishu


“We, The Rangers International Entitlement FC, have written to the SFA to request clarification as to why there are no dinosaurs running around Govan. Claims that this was the result of an initial apocalyptic comet impact need to be addressed and we demand to hear the audio from this so-called extinction event.

In the interests of species integrity the details must be made public. Only then can we be certain a Brontosaurus could outrun Cyril Dessers, and we can assure young MacCausland that once upon a time everything on Earth was as bizarre looking as him.”

– Statement from The Zombies

ROXIE – 6.5/10 – “Is this a piece of your brain?” Big Joe re-enacts the classic Fawlty Towers scene for the benefit of the freezing, soaking away end. Let’s not beat about the bush here, Jamesy – bravery and class in one wincing second; puts his heid on. the line for the cause then gets back up and assures his would-be assassin it’s all part of the game. Hero. Screw the disgruntled.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 7.5/10 – Tremendous. And that’s just the hangover-curing properties of his sausage rolls. A wet night in Paisley is Taylor-made (see what I did there phished-pun fans?) made for few; Slappers, yes, and also Greggs. Total involvement, inverting, pressing, hurting – took sneaky stamping studs across the top of his foot; snidey that…Capped it all off with a delicate finishing pastry of a cushioned left-foot volley.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 5/10 – Jeez, there’s not a lot going for him. BUT… He’s a pro of a kid and will give it all until the tide turns. Habitually volatile with his use of the ball, and just hoped something might break his way later on; when yer luck’s out even the lucky goals won’t come either…One thing you can be sure of – he’ll keep turning up and keep at it ’til the tide turns.

OF JUSTICE – 6.5/10 – Bother? Nane. What a season he’s had to date, displayed in microcosm in moments tonight as he kept a cool head after a brief fluster, showed how comfortable on the ball he is, combated greater physiques, then almost iced the cake with a great flashing header, paid no respect to by the Ginger Ghod of Glory as it cracked the post.

APOLLO CREED – 6/10 – Segued his Saturday stint into a Tuesday stroll. While there was still a decent physical threat he stood up to the test, may have looked a little rusty in his tracking but appeared overall solid.

CALMAC – 6/10 – Oh, so quiet; a deserved rest for the Skelping-Skip as the O’Reilly Twins ahead took care of
business. As ever he remained purposefully involved in controlling the tides of pressure and linking the Celtic web together.

SAINT BERNARDO – 8/10 MOTM – Like Greggs, the festive find of the season. Third game in a row he makes me repeat my words; Bhoy has a lot in his locker. At this dreich graveyard of a ground for us on many a loathsome occasion, you need some special player to make the difference. There he was – two pure football moments to warm the cockles; the take and spin then the Seve Ballesteros wedge to set up Greggs. Like in Dundee – I’ll point out this is a sun-kissed Portuguese kid turning up in the minging Scottish winter weather to gild the thistles with sheer class, AND dig. Magnitude of his contribution may begin to emulate another Portuguese kid. Proven match-winner. Proven Skelper. Now, do we buy? I’ll make this easy – YES PLEASE!

THE BUILDER – 7.5/10 – The 100 club. With an assist and a goal. And a broken beak. Seems no end to this Bhoy’s handsomeness and talent – smashed up by the envious Zombies on Saturday, here he is on Tuesday swashbuckling like Errol Flynn and sucking the breath from the wonderstruck locals with his godlike profile. They’ve already commissioned favourite gangster artist Jimmy Boyle to commemorate Matty’s visit with a sculpture for Paisley Town Hall. Simply titled, ‘Alien Adonis’.

BRIAN DE – 3.5/10 – Phish basically. So patchy and sand-dancer-ish that Mikey J kept gesturing at him from the sidelines, and enquiring open-armed of Buck, “Eh? The Heck?”. Such is his particular style that when it doesn’t come off, then he’d better.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6/10 – 50 seconds isn’t just Daizen’s marathon personal best, it’s also the speed with which he dispatched disgruntled moaners like me regarding Saturday’s debatable performance by drifting in to poke the vital opener tonight. After that he remained just typically Daizen and now we wish him well as he is emergency airlifted to Japan to race the Tsunamis ashore as a special one-man warning system. And of course we should all pray for the people in Japan affected by the terrible events in recent days.

KILLER MUSHROOM – 5/10 – Ha, ha, ha, are you watching, Zombies? The wee mhan’s as pants as you kept claiming… Missed a gift, couldn’t find a space, got hooked, dropped by Japan. From lethal potentcy to Paisley impotent – “What’s that mean? never heard the word,” said Jamesy. After the weekend, who cares if he skewed a simple heider wide? I’m more delighted Japan suddenly decided they don’t need to score goals to win games, but quite concerned Rodgers’ system still doesn’t service him as it should and that Big Ange needs penalty-box assassin for his synagogue rebuild…


YING – 5.5/10 – Run, kid, but remember to stop when you see the white lines. Apart from trying to join the Green Brigade he showed decent footwork and a willingness to cause damage.

ABADASS – N/A – Remember…Bam! There he is! Nearly scored! Then: nope, gone again.

LAGERTHA – N/A – Well, there you are – won’t play them for months then both get a shot in the one game. Managers of suspicious loyalty, eh? Who’d have ’em…

OH BHOY – 5.5/10 – Thunderstruck they nearly were. Fancied his chances up against their brawny defence and gave as good as he got. Another with no luck in front of goal.

HAKUNA HATATE – 6/10 – Purposeful you are, Reo San. On like a man on a mission – and he is; got to get back to levels for Japan and the Hoops that match his potential. Looked the part tonight more than the stop-start returns of previous months. The Asia Cup excursion will actually be a benefit to us, long as he avoids injury.

THE SHNAKE – 7.5/10 – The only manager this century who hasn’t lost in Paisley? Not sure if that’s valid but quite a feat to get out of literal Dodge with reputation intact, and no bullet holes in yer back. Would he make changes, given the intensity of Saturday? Only one, forced, but basically the same team who played an hour together. Would this prove as daunting and difficult a fixture as it had transpired for his predecessor? Nah… Graveyard? More like playground.

MIBBERY – 3/10 – No time. No time to live the dream for Wavey Davey Munro. Whatever determination to amend the damage done by Saturday’s officialdom’s capitulation to the rules, never got started. Because Celtic did. And to the brethren’s dismay their VAR battle-droid once again malfunctioned and left them no choice but to end the contest with a red. It’s been a disaster for them this Xmas; if only Santa had forgotten the batteries.

OVERALL – 7.5/10 – This fixture’s almost been anticipated in the SFA offices but any anticipated stress on our part was vanquished immediately as Renfrewshire’s Little Rascals were destroyed in a ruthless double-tap, the like of which not seen since Fat Stavros stormed the Toledo Junction nightclub VIP area (a 4-seater booth next to the main bar with the only intact upholstery in the joint) in 1986 and settled his lard and quaalude debt with Spongo Chutney Fae Feegie using a potato gun and a packet of Fun Snaps Throw Bangers. The carnage that night was not repeated as the Bhoys danced through the rain like Gene Flaming Kelly and assuaged all fears of Paisley PTSD.

This was a belated Xmas present almost as satisfying as the vanquishing of the scurrilous Zombies, played out to the suitable background score of Wagner’s ‘Ride Of The Boos’ as the home support realised their New Year was old scores being settled. Only thing to do now before the phished-up monks arrive for a cup game is to stand in front of the transfer window and block anyone decent trying to sneak out of it, whilst hauling in a few who look like they can fit the jerseys. Out with the old, in with the new.

And on that subject, Happy New Year to you fine folks. Strap in for the ride. That’s ‘in’, Jamesy, not ‘on’; ‘In’…

Go Away Now




About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor David Faulds has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email


  1. Patrick Cullen on

    sevco are demanding the audio of the game because their TRANNIES not working LOL is BIG boyd broken down again HO HO HO

  2. Sixes??? Calmac was brilliant. Scales was brilliant. Daizen was Daizen. Ye need tae open the biscuit tin of generosity.