SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ NARNIA
“My first act as inaugurated President of the U.S.A will be to declare the Scottish Premiership null and void forthwith.” President Celtic.
B.A.BARKAS – 5.5/10 – Another nae-touch Greek tragedy as his bewildering stint abroad for the mighty unbeatable Glasgow Celtic confuses him more than his lingo flummoxes us. No chance for goals gifted by a backline coached at St.Trinians, at least appeared game to compete/flap in the snow; probably the novelty of it.
AJER – 5/10 – Ball-watching, man ran off him, goal to them. Roving around to make it up, but for a final ball and a finish could have killed the game. But he didn’t. And the tortuous season tweaks us again.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 4/10 – If he could pass or cross he’d be Danny McGrain. He can’t. He’s not. Crucial moments evaporate. I haven’t had one of his sausage rolls this year, and won’t until we win a game. That looks like a healthy diet option for you right there, fat chicks.
BITTON – 7/10 MOTM – Finish, big guy. And effort. Last man standing as the excuse for a defence capitulated. Can’t fault him; He wanted it, and was there at both ends when required. Ladies…
ALAN LADD – 3/10 – Aw, God… Of course he’s going to needlessly bundle over the striker to stupidly concede
the free kick for the simple cross he can’t capably defend that they’ll score a straight forward header from. “Duffy’s on the ball… Throw in to Livi.” His Celtic career reads like a Dr.Seuss nightmare. Wake us up.
MAN OF – 6/10 – What a terrific little agitator-in-chief. He’s the new Broon, but a turbo-charged spoiler. Unfortunately there’s not a fully-functioning midfield around him who will capitalise on his
endeavours.
CALMAC – 6/10 – What hope we had after a first 45 of vintage Calmac; prompting, conducting and icing the cake with a disguised pass right out the, ‘Jesus, I didn’t know Bruce Wayne was Batman’ playbook. Then he faded, and we faded and nobody filled the void and our chances diminished.
CORPUS CHRISTIE – 0/10 – Floated about, fell around, fooled no-one. Got lost among the countless other snowflakes as the game drifted. (See what I did there, snow fans?) Lost crucial challenges in positions as treacherous as he tried to make out the pitch was, and we lost the equaliser. Not the Messiah anymore, just a
naughty bhoy who probably wants a transfer.
EDDIE TURNBULL – 5/10 – Ability, yup, effectiveness… Well, he prowls like a seasoned grifter but the impact doesn’t always follow. Maybe it’ll come with time but if you’re going to be the Celtic diamond spearhead you need to raise your deadly match winner percentage beyond one game in 4 or 5. Do it when it counts.
GRIFF – 4/10 – Not really at it. Not really given much service considering our domination. Close, but no cigar
when we really needed him at his deadly best. Story of his season.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE- 6.5/10 – After much early promise, he appears out of hiding to guide in a stunner off the bar and we’re back in the game. Decent performance, to be fair, always looking to create and unlucky a few times.
SUBS:
BROON – WTF? LOL, Broony, ’cause that’s about summed up the season.
PINGPONG – N/A – Came on as side-kick to Broony the gag-master.
KLIMALA KLIMAX – N/A -Brief chance to be a hero deep in injury time. Fluffed his lines for lack of a fluffer preparing him properly.
MIKEY J – N/A – Lennony’s last fling. A forlorn retro yearning for times past. Owen Archdeacon rebooted.
LENNONY – 5/10 – Well done, Lennony – not for tonight or the desperate season – but for shoving it to postulating, spineless, self-absorbed goons like Swinney who’ve made entire careers of hanging onto coat-tails and playing political niceties, doing NOTHING for the benefit of their country; just infesting positions of power with their wasteful in-action. As for his return to the dugout to replace ‘Invincible Gav’, well, the unbeaten run continues…
All looked so good, then we noticed the padded bra; the Duffy in the ointment. And Lennony falls like another great Celtic ginger, Tommy B, not upon his own sword, but the swords of his pals; the players he’ll play for sentiment.
OVERALL – 4/10 – Set-pieces, eh? Je-sus. This must be one of the politest Celtic sides in recent memory. The pesky Gers leave the bunker door squeezed open just enough for a sliver of light to highlight the champions’ trophy and ensure it’s not totally wrapped in darkness… And those well-mannered young Bhoys are right there, shoulders to the fore, closing it tight shut for them again.
Last night, ex-jailburd – Davy ‘Stool Pigeon’ Martinadale, who served time for cleaning out and pawning the Deid Rangers trophy cabinet – set up a stoic Livi side as expected for another tough challenge. Incidentally, kudos to Davy for the charitable auction of his Manager Of The Month award; bids begin at three snout and a copy of Fiesta.
We appeared enlivened from the start and let’s call it as it was – fluid and menacing. Yet there’s been something vital lacking all season and so it transpired that as we struggled to find a killer ball, the defence was looping a rope round a beam and kicking away the stool.
Even then, we looked rampant and should have been far and away as we hit back and threatened to rack up some goals. Then the second-half came and the season reverted to type; Another victim let off the hook and merciless 9IAR Celtic become flimsy, pliable and beatable Celtic. No win in 4 consecutive games; 21-year records getting broken in ’21; Like a boss…
No guts, no glory. Only Covid can save us now, and do they deserve it? The let-off, I mean; they’ve already had Covid… About the only thing we’ve beat…
Go Away 20/21.
Sandman
