Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Outpost 31


“SOMEONE COULD DIE!” – Daily Ranger headline as GB light half a dozen sparklers at Motherwell.

“A Spectacular Display” – Daily Ranger take on the Onion Bears firebombing at Dens Park.

ROXIE – 0/10 – “No Joe! No! Goddamn it! Baaaastaaaaa…”. Clutches a cross out of the air. The very last touch of the game. And Joe Hart jinxes the almost-greatest half-time pub bet in football history – ‘Joe not to touch the ball with his hands the whole second-half,’ says a tenner. Any takers? Five ..Walked home.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – Consistency is a priority of a good sausage roll, and one of Greggs finest playing attributes. Another committed display, but I’m still thinking his touch is a few degrees off true North just yet.

TONY THE TIGER – 6/10 – The Don Of Dingwall returns to the place of his finest Hooped moment. No heroics required, just a solid, disciplined 90; which we got.

OF JUSTICE – 6.5/10 – Watch me pick a Pirlo with me silky corrie-footed swagger. Peach of a ball into Kyogo, followed by a rotten apple as he tried to repeat the trick. Can’t win ’em all, had an enjoyable afternoon, but stay frosty for Madrid.

GET CARTER – 6.5/10 – Rocking rock, rolling stone, granite giant – Coonty players found he epitomises all three alliterations as he pressed them high and fancied his own chances of adding to the score. A good run-out for Tuesday.

CALMAC – 6.5/10 – Hahaha – Celtic skipper carded for innocuous clip just to make sure the MIBs’ bus fare back to the ludge was covered by their Satanic overlords. Not much for Calmac to compete with today; a case of making sure the Celtic ticked-over and eventually got the points.

EDDIE TURNBULL – 7.5/10 MOTM – THE perfect Eddie game from the eighth minute forward.
No frenzy in the middle to contend with – plenty of time to take the ball and pick his ambling passage through them; which he nearly did on a fine solo mazy before he sprung the trap and sizzled in a thistle-cutter at the optimum second before half-time, thus changing the complexion of the contest irrevocably in our favour.

SAINT BERNARDO – 5.5/10 – A tough one; rhythm upset early on, battled about, tried a few things, must have felt his big starting chance had turned into a bit of an attack v defence training session where his ability was not required to flourish as we ground out the win.

YING – 6/10 – Just as well Koreans are made of elastic – that’s according to a Malky Mackay text; and what a coincidence this was to save the kid’s career after the Godfather Of Soul tried to maim him. At least there’s the satisfaction of knowing James Brown went off not feeling good at all; we knew that he would…There’a gallusness about the boy that saw him come back for more, and while not much came of his forays, there still looks promise in his boots.

OH BHOY – 7/10 – He scored again! Yes he did. No. no, he didn’t. Ah well, at least he set one up with an aerial challenge. No. No, he didn’t; that was a ‘foul’. Okay, so he got awarded the penalty for having his shirt hauled off his back at a corner? Eh…After Wednesday’s heroics the lhad put himself about and rattled every defender who came near him, and probably still can’t believe he didn’t get one at least.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 5.5/10 – LOL @ Daizen giving it to the Coonty cluster behind the goal when we ‘scored’. And then he was found offside; twice… Damien VAR as couldn’t find the optimum anti-Celtic still to draw lines on. Thereafter Daizen faded as his best abilites get nullified against a stoic low block.


THE ALLFATHER – 6.5/10 – Lively as Wednesday. Head down, getting on with imposing
himself as a viable starting option; certainly looks like he’s got something – a divine ability.

KILLER MUSHROOM – 6/10 – That cushioning touch – so close to a delightful goal as he drifted onto Scales’ rangefinder pass. Then made an arse of a great clean break opportunity, Doh!

TONIO IWATAO – N/A – Good to see him getting minutes. There’s a rock of a DM in this Japanese Bhoy; needs more involvement, same as Calmac needs more resting for the 2024 run-in; I expect Tonio to feature big-time.

BRIAN DE – 7/10 – Good Ghod, the drama. Movie-mogul madness as the silken swashbuckler from Izzyland enters in the third act and delivers one of the finest cameos since Keith Richards stumbled into Pirates Of The Caribbean. A dipping worldy and a sand wedge dink to lift the DVD from bargain bucket to must-see lists.

JAMESY – 6/10 – 15 seasons in a row. Of course Jamesy was going to score. The angst of coming so close with his last touch on Wednesday, to notching another on the bedpost with his only touch today. And with his big head too; most unusual.

THE SHNAKE – 7/10 – A re-jig again, expressing in selection terms the lesson he learned from Hibs; we’re now seeing proper squad rotation to harvest tricky points on the road and keep everyone on their toes. He’ll be delighted the task wasn’t as tough as previous trips North, evident in the camera cuts to the side of the pitch as he indulged in some friendly banter with old Watford cohort, big mad Malky; swapping gags, probably…

MIBBERY – 6/10 – Ah, they tried so hard. The disallowed goal; the Zombie ‘Celt-contact!’ rule imposed early. Then disaster: Damien Dallas wailing in his ear, stoic wee Munro insisting on a yellow… “It’s live oan flamin’ Sky!” Damien reminded him. And that was that. They did manage to ignore a request for Oh’s shirt, outdo themselves on the offside as we sorted through Damien’s favourite freeze-frames, and of course a card for Calmac at least provided something for the spank-bank. They’ll be back with more bewilderment but we’ll be ready.

County Casuals

OVERALL – 7/10 – A strange, dull deliberation of a game as we chased the win the early circumstances dangled on a stick. Donkeys might have blundered along, but we’ve got some thoroughbreds who can provide the cutting edge. It took some time but the final result was never in doubt despite the Marvel Universe flying antics of their keeper, who looks like he cuts his own hair on a rainy day when bored stuck out in his croft. With shears.

So the Heelan’ horror-shows are avoided and the SPL lead extended comfortably as the kissin’, fistin’ cousins battle it out for the Diddy Cup tomorrow. The Bhoys can now focus on Indie-Label Madrid and the step-up in glamour from Leatherface’s shed to Bespin Cloud City. We’re still rolling well, so bring on the big tests and let’s see what we’re really made of.

Go Away Now


Matt Corr’s new book Majic, Stan and the King of Japan is out now and Neil Lennon, the Celtic captain that season, has written the foreword for us.

You can get a signed copy of the hardback version direct from Celtic Star Books by clicking on the image below. It’s also available an an e-book via Amazon Kindle and please note that all colour photographs that appear in the beautifully presented printed hardback book are also available in the Kindle version of Majic, Stan and the King of Japan…

About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email

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