SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ SODDEN GOMORRAH…
“Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?No, it’s because it’s flaming Paisley.
Even when the sun is shinning you can’t avoid the lightning”– ‘Why Does It Always Rain On Paisley?’ Travis
THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6/10 – SAVE! A proper save, at last. And that was it. Obviously got a good wash while he watched the game and must regret not asking big Joe to leave some Head & Shoulders in his locker.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – Tireless industry was his hallmark under Ange and how he established himself, unfancied, as our LB. Now this season, to date, he’s back at that level of intensity with no let-up this afternoon. Managed, bizarrely – but not unknown in these parts…-, to collect a yellow card for being booted off the ball.
WAYNE GRETZKY – 7.5/10 – The best Paisley hitman since Tattie-Gun Torrence kept Feegie in a state of insomnia during summer 1981’s ‘Retribution Safari’. A double at the Celtic end, today with a perfectly timed run and slapshot (see what I did there, ice-fighting sports fans?) to take the roof off the net and the stand too. Just reward for consistency and quality throughout.
OF JUSTICE – 7/10 – Oh, Liam, wherefore art thou? Bang in position to save the jerseys with a crucial intervention, that’s where. Right on his game, and up to the physical challenge as well. Handled all possible incursions faultlessly.
GET CARTER – 6/10 – A bit sleepy, casual as we cruised. Enjoyed the rough and tumble and for once had the security of a tuned-in Ginger Baresi to atone for his lapses. Hope his mind wasn’t wandering due to transfer talk.
SAINT BERNARDO – 6/10 – Not bad. Not great, but was never on a winner having to directly replace Matty and especially in these conditions, known in his hometown of Lisbon as ‘monsoon apocalypse’. Didn’t put a foot out of place and, while the flair was limited, his game-time will be invaluable looking towards next week’s shindig.
CALMAC – 7.5/10 – Bang! #2. Another stunner for the Calmac collection, now becoming very much like Jamesy’s harem. Skipper leading the way in the finest manner, fizzing one in off the slippery pitch to give us a major advantage early. After that, it was into cruise control for him, dictating the press and tempo; maintained to the end like a boss.
HAKUNA HATATE – 8/10 MOTM – Now comes the quality. After last season’s troubling injury, the question of Reo hitting his true heights again was being asked with increasing frequency. Today we were offered a real insight into his potency when he’s in perfect szygy with the creatives around him. Sharp on and off the ball, touch velvet, passing pinpoint, iced it all with a glorious finish from the top-shelf filth of goalscoring volumes.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 7.5/10 – The irrepressible Daizen. Never mind the conditions, as soon as his switch is flicked he’s the lovechild of the Duracel bunny and a velociraptor. Even survived two sexual assaults in their box before setting up Reo’s belter. Might have been MOTM but for a sclaffed free header, and a donation of a ball to the back row when the goals loomed. Overall, classic Daizen. Expect Tavpen to seal a transfer out of the country by Friday.
JAMESY – 6.5/10 – Heavily involved in early foreplay; a Jamesy speciality. His incessant harassment had them flailing and scrambling, ultimately begging for mercy as we banged them not once but twice. Another contribution from the Flying Flasher that reads like a witness statement. Will he be deployed next weekend as fluffer to ready the Zombies for a torrid 90 minutes? Or will he be subbed in for the pinkeye finish to their misery? Either way, we await Mr.500’s input with the reverent anticipation rightly reserved for masters of their craft. In Jamesy’s case, like Ron Jeremy appearing at a Lana Wolf pool table ‘bacchanalia’…
DUNCAN IDAHO – 5.5/10 – Easily able to slot into a Norwich City Championship line-up. Not so ready for a Celtic CL campaign. Still requiring match-sharpness, at least this may have him ramped-up some more for the Zombies. Made decent runs and battled well, but final touch and guile yet eludes him.
SUBS –
KILLER MUSHROOM – 6/10 – He’s still here! Hidden in the dugout until Pep had got bored and stopped watching. Thrown in to show his razor’s edge hadn’t diminished when thwarted only by great keeping. Then made sure of his retention in the Hoops by mentally smashing the ball into the Paisley neds in the Jim Henson Enclosure in case anyone else from Citeh was lingering in front of the telly.
TAKINTE – 6.5/10 – Worryingly missed training all week, so here’s hoping that back niggle calms down. Because he certainly showed those cultured feet again in his cameo. Teased, almost scoring, then pleased by laying on AJ to seal the deal.
TONY THE TIGER – N/A – Trouble in Paisley? Send in The Brickie. That’ll rebuke any late ideas of consolation. With grim malevolence.
THE ALLFATHER – 6/10 – Footwork and dig from the wild viking youth. Definitely a player in there, given that propensity to appear in those conditions and look at ease and in-synch.
ELIZABETH HURLEY -N/A – With Raquel absent, where does the glamour come from? Ah, the English Rose of the 80s. A composed debut for a wiry kid with lofty ambition, and we hope this one stays in the Hoops and doesn’t abscond to the deadlights of sarf Landan…
THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7.5/10 – Imposing some sort of new advanced tactical game-plan on the side took time. And not without headaches. But here we are a few games into the season and we’re noticing the welcome return of the ‘kill it with fire’ opening flame-grilling of the opposition. Surely no accident? The combination of ferocity and control is working and let’s not re-think it.
Now he awaits a monumental week:
Signings? Three, mimimum. Incontestable. Probably inevitable.
CL? Real Madrid, Man Citeh, etc, etc. Probably inevitable.
Zombies? Savaged. Definitely inevitable…
MIBBERY – 5/10 – Today’s special team of masonic fellators are known by their own codeword; begins with a ‘C’ and describes Douglas Ross perfectly. Can Daizen have his legs back? No penalties for the Vatican dogs on the eve of the ritual sacrifice of the Glasgow Schutzstaffel division, and particularly as it would have meant a second yellow and dismissal for big Googlebox. Cheating Zombies keeping faint hope alive and diminishing the Celtic fire with flagrant abuse of the rules of the game. Good to see nothing’s changed, then. It’ll all hurt just as much as ever when we bukkake their hopes like a Jamesy after-party.
OVERALL – 8/10 – Paisley, on a wet Sunday afternoon. All that was missing was John Gordon Sinclair to do the commentary – there were plenty of empty Bacardi bottles in the home stands…So to this nasty fixture that can often ambush a manager’s momentum; BR no stranger, nor Ange. Wipe Mowbray from memory, and Lenny’s torment. So I was prepared for a struggle, especially in that Renfrewshire summer weather…
Nope. Barnstormed them. Played them off the park and arranged a bus to ferry them back in after a visit to the airport where they checked-in their boots. This was as comprehensive a Celtic win as seen at Not Love Street since we won 4-0 there on Albert Kidd Day to take the title in 1986.
(Stop. Yes, 4-0. It was 4-0. There’s a goal lost to history and never counted in my house because it was scored by a degenerate irredeemable turncoat).
So Sunday became Funday and we got through a tricky proposition like a Prestwick glass collector manoeuvring round Jamesy’s table with the rear end intact. A fine three points and a comprehensive performance that highlighted the progression the unit as a whole is making.
Now for the most exciting week of the year since the Dingwall Witch Doctor sacrificed a cross-eyed virgin, then was hired by Dundee to see if he could find one there as well three days later*.
(*He couldn’t. They only drew.)
We revived ourselves then, and took the title. Now we look to add some new stars and meet the stars in the biggest arena of them all. Then it’s the Sunday test against the ‘St.Johnstone In The Rain And Coonty Half Dozen’ Cup Wuruld Chumpions.
It’s Celtic Xmas time. We’re ready. And let’s hope we’ve no reason to boo Santa…
Dedicated to:
Matt O’Riley, The Builder.
An appropriate nomenclature for a kid who arrived as a ‘who?’ – another labourer? – then showed us what an architect of the game he is, and left with his legend enshrined in Celtic folklore. One of the finest young midfielders we’ve seen in a lifetime; guile, style, and smile – also the handsomest bhoy in Christendom, which’ll make it more galling for the hetero lay-dees as he leaves us, captive now to the capital of decadent EPL tourist league football team.
They’ll love him as much as we did. They should. He became the swaggering star name ‘Matt O’Riley’ in The Hoops and he won’t forget it. Nor will we forget him – a pro to the end, giving his all for the jersey which didn’t need to shrink to fit that bhoy’s talent.
His time came. So, farewell and best of luck, kid. Show them what you learned in Paradise. Now, someone go check on the wimminfolk…
Go Away Now
Sandman
Good stuff again Sandman, always laugh at the Jamesy accolade-riddled scoring prowess 🙂
Hope we do see 3 coming in. Bagusz, Engels and Beck at least, maybe Trusty too. I think after Lawwell’s ‘chat’ with the fans, he’s maybe thought “Damn, guess we’ll have to sign a 3rd player or I’ll be getting it tight every time I’m in public’. Here’s hoping….