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Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Tangerine Dream

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SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ TANGERINE DREAM…

“War has rules, mud wrestling has rules – Scottish football has no rules.” – Ross Perot

ROXIE – 6.5/10 – “Wake up, Carl!” She chirped as the pass flew across the empty goalmouth and Star Lord popped an Imodium.  Surprisingly little to do given United appeared competitive and willing to have a go. Still has the comforting presence of a bouffanted brothel madame to quell nascent anxieties.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – A man of industry. Keep the shops well supplied and keeps himself busy for every minute he gets in the Hoops. No question he’s got the mindset for a cup scrap on a dodgy pitch and applied himself well.

STAR LORD – 6.5/10 – Dundee has a history of cartoon animals. Also, plenty other animals roam its streets. So while the racoon was off tracing his ancestors, Star Lord got jittery, swiping here and there, crying out for Tommy to grab him by the scruff of the neck for a pep-talk to instil some good old Shelby intensity. Yet, for all his insecurities, he still got it together for some well-anticipated pick-offs, and played the pass of the game to Lord Katsumoto which initiated the second goal.

GET CARTER – 7/10 – Solid. Obviously. But exuded composure beginning to end and especially when they flurried and ran at the defence in numbers. Never missed a headed interception; immaculate positioning and efficient distribution.

JURAN JURAN – 6.5/10 – An almost night as he burst into life only to be thwarted by the surface or a poor touch. Possesses fine acceleration which is a major dimension to our play and good enough to incorporate him and Tony the Tiger in the same starting eleven down the right; full-back wing-back?

CALMAC – 8/10 MOTM – Quite simply, this – when Calmac plays, we play. And in a half-hour spell during the first half he bossed it, scored, and exhausted their energies with some sumptuous football as he prompted the Hoops
onwards. Exactly what your captain needs to do on a potentially tricky cup-tie night on a coo field somewhere in the North-Eastern coastal hinterlands. Marvellous.

HAKUNA HATATE – 5.5/10 – Cost Cheatin’ Beaton the goat this Friday with a gift of a lunge, but managed to keep his heel on the deck as the United bawbag whiplashed like a kitten struck with a taser, even though he never got touched. Good refereeing, you might say. Once. That aside, the wee man didn’t quite get up to speed as deftness eluded his passing and playing on a pitch reminiscent of the Fukushima reactor’s car park frustrated his guile.

THE BUILDER – 7/10 – What a touch and footballing wit the boy has, able to turn and slice open a backline in a single movement. Glides around like Matt Le Tissier on smack, then pops up to provide the vital link in a killer move. Will also improve with age and experience; diamond signing.

JAMESY – 6.5/10 – Surprisingly, Jamesy recovered from a pulled wang mid-second-half to enhance an already
useful outing. One in which he re-introduced that trademark mercury-like slaloming of his; you can tell Jamesy’s getting back towards his peak form when he’ll take the ball in a swift turn and slide past a couple of players like
they were bouncers between him and fresh glass collectors. A promising evening that bodes well for Jamesy’s
contribution to the run-in.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7.5/10 – Dynamic and tortuous to the United defence. Total commitment means utter reliability when it comes to work-rate and hard yards. That, coupled with an eye for trouble means we have an outlet who turns defences in a glint of his shiny bald heid. Deserved a goal and but for his Gojira’s touch would have notched, and provided us with more than the one he did set up.

SON OF JACKIE – 7/10 – Big Jackie’s always struck me as the sort of guy who needs a couple of games to get into the swing of things or back on track from absence; Much like his Da’ needed a couple of burds to wind down from a tough night in Viccies. So nothing was really falling for him tonight, but at least he was getting a bruising workout from their agricultural centre backs. Then he found a groove and it clicked – thrashed in a 40-yarder then spectacularly hitch-kicked in the icing atop the Dundonian jammy sponge. He’s ready to rumble again.

SUBS:

ROGIC – 6/10 – And enter the wizard to gild the Lilly. Or in this case, the thistle patch. If there was anyone capable of playing good football on that, it was him, giving it a go but not quite pulling it off

MCCARTHYISM – N/A – Tricky, but he avoided rolling an ankle on that witch’s mott of a playing surface.

MIKEY J – N/A – Much as Mikey tends to do – fopped around, picked the wrong passes; elicited many “Ach”s.

KARAOKE – N/A – Will he stay, or will he go too? Hopefully he won’t follow our other Hobbit, daft wee Boak,
into the Footballing Etherlands Of Islam Feruz. More gametime for Karaoke should seal the deal and he may give us some extra interest if tonight’s cameo is a measure. Deserved a penalty for being casually tossed into crowd by United berserker.

TAMAGOTCHI – N/A – Just to send the locals home seething about their missing whaling fleet with Captain Ahab, Ange threw on our final Japanese for giggles.

ANITA DOBSON – 7.5/10 – A nice shuffle of the pack from Ange, setting up to punish the home side’s enthusiasm with some clinical transitions. He got the elements of Angeball necessary out of poor playing facilities, and escaped with no injuries of note. Smart cautionary move to switch on Oz at half-time and stop the Beaton lifeline
being played. As ever, grimly satisfied in his post-match interview save for the nano-second tell-expression that broke out on news of the semi-final draw; A classic ‘Ya  beauty, mayte’.

MIBBERY – 6/10 – A brave effort from the Zombies favourite drinking buddy. But maybe if he stopped boozing in dumps he’d have enough time to learn the new handball rules and we’d have killed the game by half-time. Still, his Sunday-afternoon sash-bash hangover stayed the red card for Hatate, and by the time our comedy second went in he was laughing along with the rest of us. His was relief.

OVERALL – 7.5/10 – Tricky, but you can’t argue with a 3-zip quarter final win at Tardisdice. Playing on a park as bobbly as yer grandma’s tablecloth was always going to be a bit of a leveller but with our skipper’s experience
and guidance the Bhoys came out of it comfortably, building more confidence for the biggest couple of
months of the year.

Mentally, we appear to be tuned to perfection to seize the day; every player involved wears the expression of a space marine in an Alien hive, and somebody’s getting blown to bits down the line as we now face just ten games to win it ALL. Of course, there’s but one title we covet above the rest and the big match on Saturday can’t come
too soon for these eager Bhoys. Or me. Or you. The expectation. The tension. We’re in a glass case of emotion!

Go Away Now

Sandman.

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About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email editor@thecelticstar.co.uk

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