SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ THE DRAGON CHASERS’ DEN…
“Okay Bhoys, it’s Halloween. I know – let’s go out today and play like the Zombies in disguise!” – Brendan Rodgers pre-match team talk.
ROXIE – 6/10 – A kick, a throw – or two – a bit of shouting and some warming-up exercises to keep the chill out his old bones; the summation of Joe’s afternoon. Goalkeeping? Yeah, right. To his credit he hung about until the final whistle despite being as bored as the rest of us.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 5.5/10 – There’s busy and then there’s invisibly busy – a tactic all the best fast food employees master. So it was with Greggs as he scurried around not getting involved too much, popped up for a yellow and to sclaff a few passes; overall – a cold, out of date steak bake of a game.
WAYNE GRETZKY – N/A – Left quite concussed. As if he has some kind of foresight and knew what those of us still in possession of our senses would have to endure for another hour or so.
OF JUSTICE – 5.5/10 – Curiously, him losing the plot for a few moments was a signal of the collective malaise; when the one man who’s been the most focussed over the past two months, who’s position is most in jeopardy, starts flaking out on the job, taking a card, losing his speedster man – who then missed the cleanest chance of the game because he’s one of us and hates the Zombies as much as you or I; thanks Boyley…- well, when that happens you know smooth runnings might be getting bumpy. So it was, for Liam and the rest too.
GET CARTER – 7/10 MOTM – When the house of cards looks like it’s blowing over, thankfully there’s a rock in the foundations to stabilise the day. Kept his immense heid, won every challenge, distributed efficiently. The one bhoy who clocked in for a shift and earned his big bucks.
CALMAC – 5.5/10 – Wherefore art thou, captain? So much in need of his match-winning orchestration, the forlorn orchestra never got out more than bum notes and discordant cacophony. Not that he wasn’t scampering around, prompting; just that there was no creative freshness or zest about his efforts.
THE BUILDER – 6.5/10 – Matty’s frustration is our frustration. Evident in his handsomeness, disaffected irritation that nothing he tried came off, nor would the ball run for him out of sheer good fortune. But he always looked the bhoy most likely.
SAINT BERNARD – 5/10 – The game-time, the legs, the effectiveness… Looked useful from the start, spanked in a quick-fire shot that deserved better, got around with presence. But lack of match-sharpness showed beyond half an hour and he faded.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 6/10 – Daizen, all speed and improved goal threat – especially at junkie-town where he scored a cracker last season. Thwarted by a world-class Marsh stop today, he still appeared to be a useful late weapon when they tired. But after going off to fix a contact lens he was subbed seconds after coming back on; didn’t see that coming, did he…
KILLER MUSHROOM – 5/10 – No service, no Kyogo, no party. When struggling, somebody should prioritise playing the ball in the general direction of our deadliest striker since Henrik – there’s a good idea to take forward.
BRIAN DE – 6/10 – File with Matty – saw a lot of the ball, yet nothing came off. Cut a perplexed figure as he tried to cultivate some winning formula from a mixed bag of chemicals in which the nitric acid and glycerine turned out to be lemon juice and hair gel; we got a damp squib.
SUBS –
OH BHOY – N/A – No, Bhoy. Enjoyed levels of service marginally above Kyogo’s experience; the same you’d get walking into the Savoy in London and snapping your fingers, “Hey, you – pint ‘o Stella flaming now”.
EDDIE TURNBULL – N/A – Ah, trotting on at Easter Road; just like the old days. Which may explain why he was more use to Hibs and kept wandering around aimlessly, asking where the other four of the famous five were.
JAMESY – 6.5/10 – Jamesy gets wood in Edinburgh. Not for the first time, and definitely not the last – but this one nearly brought the house down; side-foot cushioned volley perfectly executed apart from the crashing off the bar bit. Even then, he wasn’t finished with his attempted ravishing and almost won it at the death with an intense burst through, finishing a move he started. Did more in his cameo than the rest of the attacking unit had managed all day.
TONY THE TIGER – 5.5/10 – Solid, snarling, biting, thumping; did everything Tony does reliably best bar scoring the winner.
MIKEY J – 5/10 – Who? WTF? Retro-substitution time as the ghost of Halloween past enters left-wing. I’ve played as many minutes in the Hoops this season than Mikey before today, and I’d probably have been as effective a sub. The old sand-dancing irritations resurfaced in those vital moments when you thought he’d carved out something. Alas no Rebooted Mikey, just more of the Mikey that leaves you teeth-grinding in angst and exclaiming, “Goodness me, fellow – just do the straightforward thing, my boy…” Or something less polite along those lines.
THE SHNAKE – 5/10 – “Ah-ha, I know – they’ll think I’m going to speed things up and enhance our pace to burn them out last fifteen. Yes, that’s what they THINK I’ll do… What I’ll actually tactical-genius-with-a-Gucci-belt do is
sub OFF the pace and sharpness and SLOW it all down even more – that’ll mess ’em up…”
Yeah…
MIBBERY – 5/10 – Grinning, skulking, surprised – all the Muir emotions today. Threw out a few Celtic yellows as
per quota requirements, but walked off pleasantly surprised at how little he had to do to prevent us taking max points.
OVERALL – 5/10 – ‘It’s just like Killie – but with grass!’ – The best advertising line for the DVD of that dross. .Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water… Once more we get bitten by the Hibees when least expecting it. Not the first time we’ve seen a slip-up here; it was almost compulsory over the years. After
humiliating their families, ancestors and generations to come by getting reamed through in Mordor last week
by the worst club in CL history, it was no surprise they’d be out better organised and focussed to take on a proper big team.
What was a surprise was the turgid, dire, aimless football we served up for them to deal with. Hungover from Wednesday, the Bhoys evidently had blown a gasket dealing with Madrid’s indie-label side and not recovered
sufficiently to raise the verve and enthusiasm to carve up the spoon-burners.
We waited, and waited, and they went side-to-side, and back, and repeat… What Tonio Iwata has to do to get back on the park is a mystery – was a stick-on for him to appear late, let Calmac push forward with Matty. Nope, on trundled Eddie T and everyone thought Brendan was indulging in an early trick-or-treat gag.
You can’t win ’em all, but it would be nice to see the majority trying – at least Jamesy showed the way
and made us wish he’d been introduced a bit earlier; not something the fathers of many daughters might say
but at least for today he might’ve been the ideal cherry-popper to rob the Hibs goal of its innocence.
Not to be. No zip, no tempo of the usual Celtic-rhythmic jungle throb to unsettle then rip-up the opposition. We were blunt, edgeless and tedious. Got to give the Bhoys one after some scintillating shows, but need to make sure it’s just the one as the games come thick and fast, and critical to the season’s wellbeing.
Go Away Now
Sandman
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