Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at The Hate Pit

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ THE HATE PIT…

“Heartwarming fun for all the family this Xmas as Pixar Studios brings you the story of a mentally challenged young man suffering from Reverse Benjamin Button Syndrome – which means he appears a fat, grumpy old bar steward – who wins a SMSM competition for Dumbest so-and-so To Comment Completely Out Of Context On Institutional Racism Within Scottish Society. Live the adventure with him as he receives a Golden Ticket to the emporium of his dreams – a Cumbernauld industrial unit underwear assembly line where his sister’s skimpies are made. Reserve your tickets now for ‘Charlie And The Panties Factory’. ” – Disney movie trailer.

ROXIE – 6.5/10 – She’s here for keeps and she’ll know now why we need everybody on-point for game of this magnitude. Hardly faced with a save, yet conceding the simplest of goals; though she got a hand on it. Gutted.

JURAN JURAN – 5.5/10 – Welcome to Celtic – here’s 50,000 mutants baying for your blood and you’re playing on the wrong side of the park. But enjoy yourself. He didn’t; with a few anxious mishaps. And neither did we.

RAQUEL – 6.5/10 – A pretty reasonable display; anticipation was spot-on and her general marshalling of the
defence was in line with the consistency we’ve come to expect. Very decent, kid.

STAR LORD – 3.5/10 – See you? See the ball? You had one job to do – WIN the set-piece header. Just flaming WIN it; In the vital moment many of your predecessors have failed…’Oh, but he was accomplished apart from that…’
Yeah? Nooooo; None of that matters. No mercy. Win or die. He lost, so did we. But keep on excusing the guy who ‘needs more love’ from doing the basics of the job he’s paid to do, more per week than you reading this are per annum…

TONY THE TIGER – 6.5/10 – Good competitor. You can’t fault Tony for sticking in when the going gets tough. A few pressure moments got to him but many should have looked at him for inspiration. No relinquishing responsibility, everything was contested and he’ll hurt like you or me to come out the losing side.

CALMAC – 8.5/10 MOTM – Just… Magnificent. When all around were falling on their backsides, the Captain kept composed, clever, and in control of midfield, absolutely single-handed. Despite being swamped and outnumbered 3 to 1 many a time. Took a yellow for his troubles. Probably one of the finest Celtic midfield displays at the Hate Pit, ticking it over totally Han Solo; and it’ll be lost in the midst of time thanks to the result, ergo the poverty of quality supporting him. Make no mistake – if Calmac wasn’t running that midfield, we’d have lost by 6.

CORPUS CHRISTIE – 5/10 – .Colin Nish. Lively is lively, but fhannying around the edges of a big match is for phussies. Too many hopeful pinged passes instread of deliberation, too many fruitless and pointless runs that served no purpose but to take him out the game and open space for them. Promise was there, but influence was absent. And I suspect we’ll know none of either until transfer windows shut and futures as definite.

EDDIE TURNBULL – 3.5/10 – Yep, you’re too old for the intensity. And, yep – look how I even gave him 0.5 more than Thursday’s effort; and don’t I get to say, ‘Told you so…’. Not that I want to, but he’s fast becoming the Stevie Fulton of the new age; plenty on show versus the dross, frustratingly ineffective in the big games. And YOU know I’m making sense here, sadly…

ABADASS – 3/10 – He’s young, he’s keen, but he’s too easily contained and picked-off by experienced heads. Another not in the game enough and too wasteful when given space in games of such magnitude.

🎙️”Ange can’t believe that.”
🎙️”I can’t believe that either.”

A huge chance for Celtic after 25 minutes but Odsonne Edouard can’t find the target from a few yards out.

📺Watch it live on Sky Sports now!
📲In-game updates: https://t.co/qr3Ef8p2Gj pic.twitter.com/Hyjs8nEcJ0

— Sky Sports Scotland (@ScotlandSky) August 29, 2021

FRENCH EDDY – 4/10 – Well, he was there, but will he still be here? The culmination of French Eddy’s transfer shenanigans peaked with a match-winning miss on the 25th minute. An easy tap-in for the likes of him. That was the game right there; except it wasn’t, and the rampaging, free-scoring victory writ large in the skies became a rueful narrow defeat. Another rueful defeat. Somebody needs to make Eddy’s mind up for him, ‘cos he’s not capable, or appears culpable.

🧤How big could this save be?

Robby McCrorie denies Kyogo as Celtic search for a late equaliser at Ibrox.

📺Rangers vs Celtic live on Sky Sports now
📲In-game updates: https://t.co/qr3Ef8p2Gj pic.twitter.com/Ppl4ozy0rI

— Sky Sports Scotland (@ScotlandSky) August 29, 2021

Mr.KOBAYASHI – 7/10 – Left-winger? Go away. When the team sheet appeared it looked like their defence’s worst nightmare – Kyogo and French Eddy a tormenting duo right down their throats. If only…So our new Japanese dynamo gets isolated yet is still able to cause them plenty torment form his peripheral position. The things he did when central and on the ball; if only there had been more time. Play the lethal threat down the middle, for heaven’s sake.

SUBS:

ROGIC – N/A – Nothing worse than being thrown into a derby that’s slipping away from you, and too late to make a big impact, though Oz came close.

MAN OF – N/A – Perhaps his telling presence will be a thing of the future – certainly worth noting he brings a solidity to the formation and frees creatives like Calmac to venture further forward.

FIELD MARSHALL – N/A – A kid we thought would start. Probably relieved he didn’t…

🗣️”We need to hit some form and start winning games.”

Celtic boss Ange Postecoglou reacts to the Old Firm defeat at Ibrox. What did you make of the game?👇 pic.twitter.com/N7IBdmlpFC

— Sky Sports Scotland (@ScotlandSky) August 29, 2021

ANITA DOBSON – 5/10 – “Yee-ah, Oi think Oi’ll go a little more conservative for this one…” mused Ange, then set the team up in a manner that must have looked to theRangers like the helicopter gunship beach assault from Apocalypse Now; Wagner’s ‘Ride Of The Valkyries’ rattling around their empty heids every time we got the ball and turned on them. But somebody forgot to load the magazines; we were berfet of any napalm to fire at their third-choice goalie. Then, with no tactics involving core solidity, Celtic sagged after half-time and they imposed; crucial period in the game which resulted in the winner.

Like it or not, if Ange wants to go down in Celtic folklore as something more than Ronny Deila’s or Tony Mowbray’s cult of freewheeling attack, than he needs to pay attention to the spine of the team; he needs to consider a Soro-Calmac tandem in midfield; dominance in there is everything, as theRangers demonstrated second period by stifling our options. Plan B, Ange. Let us know Plan B.

OVERALL – 5/10 – What a sight; a stadium full of gurning zombies for the first time since their Walking Dead pandemic reality became ours. A match report in ‘New Scientist’ paranormal section claimed that if you applied a ‘Ghostbusters Phantasm Filter’ over video footage you can make out the spectral form of Jim Henson floating above the enclosure with a sketch pad, frantically scribbling notes for inspiration.

Institutional racist abuse of Kyogo was curtailed in the foyer of the last-chance saloon, though that hasn’t stopped many of their boards’ posters conveniently recalling their great-grandpappy’s awful experiences in Osaka prison camps. Which mystifies me, as I understood they were hiding in the Govan shipyards anyway.

So we got the Celtic team we hoped for, but not the formation. And we got the Celtic display we feared, but
not the explanation. Why stick the wee Samurai out left? Why drop the tempo? Why the Lennony-esque conservatism, particularly in that second period? The latter may be answered simply that our midfield (Calmac) was overrun by them, whilst Corpus and Eddie T faded. Sorry, disappeared.

All these frustrating and stressful laments were lost in the daemonic fury of theRangers winner; yet another set-piece debacle. Oh for a defender to whom fragmented skulls were but a part of his daily routine; We’ve got nice guys where we need wise guys.

Well, all the hope turned to Blue glory and the rampant new Celtic sullied our hopes with an ultimately depressing,
and uninspiring display. The previous month’s optimism was crushed beneath the now-familiar yoke of Ibrox triumphalism.

Did we expect too much? At least, a draw was offering to the Gods. But Odin cursed us, the wounds much self-inflicted. For all the swashbuckling vitality of recent times, this Celtic team retreated within themselves after half-time and we never got to see expansive responses until late on when desperation took hold.

However we built them up, they failed this big test and gutted our expectations like maniacal fishwives. We thought we had stumbled upon something new and magical on our walkabout with Ange. Not so; it seems the same old story.

Well, there’s always one sentimental outcome of such a turbulent week – at least Charlie Adams can celebrate with a Knickerbocker Glory.

Meh.

Go Away Now.

Sandman Out.