Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at The White Walkers

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ THE WHITE WALKERS…

“He’s chokin’, how, everybody’s jokin’ now
The clocks run out, times up, over, blaow
Snap back to reality, ope there goes gravity”

Eminem – Lose Yourself

🎈 #glimt #UECL pic.twitter.com/9NyR4I6Kch

— FK Bodø/Glimt (@Glimt) February 24, 2022

ROXIE – 7.5/10 MOTM – Show-stopping, Glimt-stopping saves of the top order to stem the embarrassment. Kept us clinging in the tie like Sly Stallone’s fingertips hanging off a glacial rock-face in Cliffhanger: “You’re not gonna die!”. But we did. Though no fault of Roxie’s.

TONY THE TIGER – 4.5/10 – He’ll battle and bite and it was all we had for the first half hour. You get what you see with Tony and it’s always 100%. But even he was affected by the overall dross – never put in a decent cross all game and had a torrid time with their winger.

RAQUEL – 3/10 – Used to battling dinosaurs in tropical heat, this was a culture shock for the returning Raquel, who decided to add a touch of glamour to the arctic wasteland by selling her top and all the other jerseys while she was at it, just nine minutes in with hospital pass of the season to put Blockchain in the GRI with our kid. (Get well soon, Bro.) They swept it off him, broke, scored, night-night. And possibly night-night for Raquel’s future Celtic prospects in a Northern game where she needed to impress; It all went South.

STAR LORD – 5.5/10 – Amazingly included in the starting eleven despite the ongoing controversy in the Dundee ratings thread, Star Lord shook off the melodrama, but not the yapping non-rodent governing his eccentricities. Returning to the continent of his birth, aiming for the country of his birth as he Ryan Christie-d a glorious
chance for an equaliser over the bar. Made some telling interceptions, but offered up a couple of gifts and
ball-watched as they strolled through us.

He needs to add some bite to his bark and wrangle his defence into a more cohesive unit because he plays in
the Franco Baresi governing role; no true sweepers these days, but if you’re going to be the spare stick at the
wedding, then BE one and have the rest reacting like trained dugs to your whistles. For once, he got a taste of what it’s like to be the saner of two centre backs as Raquel trumped his mental Arthur Shelby groove with a Fatal Attraction bunny boiler of a night.

OF JUSTICE – 4.5/10 – Well, young Liam got a roasting. First from their best player – Solbakken – whom we should sign without hesitation; mobile, tall, strong, got good feet and is a total stick. He’d be perfect in our league. Secondly, from Ange, after sleeping for their opener, bringing out a better second half where he took a booking
for laying one on Solbakken – more of that please, lad – and was heavily involved in our mini-revival.

BLOCKCHAIN – 3/10 – Captain calamity… Wore skates and gave a comical impression of Bambi on ice to entertain the local weans. Somehow just couldn’t make a pass or, well, do anything we’re used to seeing him do. Perhaps it’s because he’s so tall and close proximity to the magnetic North threw his balance. Yeah, that’s it…

ROGIC – 2/10 – Oz? Oz? Sure he popped up a couple of times, moaning about the cold. Even saw it hit his head once. Then, *phooof!* like a magical wizard, he was gone.

THE BUILDER – 2/10 – Couldn’t build a snowman tonight. Realising this Celtic gig isn’t all rattling zombies’ cages and having 90% possession to carve up SPL savages. Sometimes you have to raise your game and wits. But he
grimaced, groaned, and shared an early bath with Oz. Neither of them could keep hold of the soap.

JAMESY – 5.5/10 – Well aware of the problems native cross-country skiers have, Jamesy kept tucked in on the wing. Even the sprinkling of furry-collared local lovelies in the crowd couldn’t tempt him. But at times he threatened to exhibit some skills as well, floating around both wings, adding a pinch of verve to the lacklustre Hooped effort. But, ultimately, he found nobody willing or able to connect with. Maybe later…

SON OF JACKIE – 4/10 – Service would have been nice. And he does like to battle it out. Aside from one tame header, though, he failed to make the physical impact we’d hoped for. Might have been different if we’d constructed a method of shuttling the ball somewhere within his vicinity for more than 5% of the game.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 5/10 – The Japanese Mark Burchill, indeed. All energy and willingness, made so many runs that a coyote was spotted setting elaborate traps. But he’s lacking the finesse to crown his efforts with a killer touch; blazed over the best chance at a pivotal moment, when a goal might have allowed a sliver of light to spike our dark arctic chill.

SUBS:

ABADASS – 5.5/10 – ‘What the hell? Cold white sand?…’ The confused desert kid made a sprightly appearance, giving us a bit of zip and had two decent efforts on goal. One of which should really have gone in.

CALMAC OF THE OPERA – 5.5/10 – Probably a reluctant half-time sub, but his reassuring presence was required to shore up the gaping Red Sea big Moses Blockchain had unintentionally opened. So it worked, to an extent – we looked more in control with him there in tandem, until they waltzed up the park to kill all hope.

MCARTHYISM – N/A – Tensions were high as he came on in those temperatures but managed a 15-minute runaround without pulling anything. Jamesy empathised.

Ange Postecoglou gives his thoughts on the match. #UECL | #BODCEL | #CelticFC🍀 pic.twitter.com/2dvG4QPefV

— Celtic Football Club (@CelticFC) February 24, 2022

ANITA DOBSON – 4/10 – And the hand was played. Would we see Ange’s priorities revealed under the Northern Lights? yes. Would he realise how lightweight our squad really is when it comes to the European stage? Yup. Happy to see half the team rested, surprised to see Ange go with the Oz/Builder midfield – static enough last week, here he added Blockchain to really take the zip out of it.

Let his masochism run until the break, then blended in some added composure and new zip. But still saw his
tactical wiles overrun and negated by a better drilled, fitter opposition. So he has a measure – of his available personnel and his own ability to deploy them. And, roughly, we’d be about able to scrap our way through to the final round of CL qualifiers at a stretch. Some graft required yet to make Angeball potent at this level.

“Over two legs we were not good enough.”

“It’s my responsibility to make sure we improve and next year perform better.”

Ange Postecoglou dissects a disappointing night for Celtic following elimination from the Europa Conference League.#UECL pic.twitter.com/uk0S70vIXe

— Football on BT Sport (@btsportfootball) February 24, 2022

OVERALL – 2/10 – Beyond The Wall, the wildlings have a plastic footy pitch. Playing on such a surface – floating on an iceberg – has been a downfall of Celtic past, present, and with trepidations to come; *cough* Livingston…*cough* And what an absolute shambles that was. We did set a new first in world football by somehow managing to be third to the ball with only two teams on the park. A group of players who not only appeared to have been introduced to each other minutes prior to kick-off, but also to the surreal concept of soccerball itself.

🥳 #glimt #uecl pic.twitter.com/W6Aqq4kMAN

— FK Bodø/Glimt (@Glimt) February 24, 2022

It’s 12 months since Lennony surrendered the golden TEN and his Celtic legacy – this performance could have been transplanted straight into the horror show that was last season. Spanked by a side of unknowns named after a character from Grand Theft Auto, bullied and given a chasing like we were a collective of a recently-discovered rainforest tribe descended from sloths.

If there was ever a game not to be too concerned about the result of, this was it. But the way in which we lost
– out-thought, out-muscled, out-played, and out-classed, was grim. No point in straw-clutching about brighter second 45s – we improved in the same manner as theRangers did in the recent Paradise skelping; only because the side cruising by 3 laid off the gas. And Bodo’s second goal was men playing through bhoys.

So, it’s done. Barely a shot on target over 180 minutes, the only metric we’re left clinging to is my favourite:
the playground metric that shows we should be able to pump Roma 4-1.

Special mention to Matt Corr, and the other Travelling Bhoys who braved the frozen reaches of the Earth just
to watch that nonsense, and are in the process of fighting their way through a pack of delinquent polar
bears to make it to their Airbnb igloos as I write.

I hope Bodo go on to win whatever crazy new cup that was, and that we plunder them for their left-back and
right winger before the huskies are even harnessed for the victory sled parade.

For us, shake it off, suck in some renewed confidence from somewhere and find ten more league wins to take
the big prize and dream of getting slaughtered in more glamorous surroundings than The Night King’s backyard.

Go Away Now

Sandman