Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Wells Fargo


“I knew things were getting dire when Alfie tried to win a penalty by throwing himself at the ground. And missed.” – Giovanni van Bronkhorst. Undertaker.

SIEGHEIL – 7/10 – That’s what we needed – fingertip defiance of a home resurgence right after the break as Seigy took on the entire oppostion while rest of the Hoops remained in the dressing room waiting for Kyogo to finish an introspective reading from ‘The Unbearable Lightness Of Being’ by Milan Kundera. In Japanese. Thankfully, our big Dutch keeper had seen the movie version with Daniel Day-Lewis and was between the sticks in time.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 8/10 – Sometime in the 90s Tosh McKinley and Danny McGrain were abducted by Trisolarans and their genes spliced together to produce experimental subject TX1888-3. Spending much of his life under cover as a master-baker (that’s master-‘BAKER’, Jamesy…), almost bi-weekly he reveals his true identity as the finest inverted nipple we’ve seen in a Celtic top. Industrious and sharp, produced another frenetic burst of energy and creativity to mimic an earlier move, yet this time nail it to perfection and set up the vital opener on the cusp of half-time. Must be Ange’s dream pupil – nobody has improved more under Angeball than Greggs.

BIG MERCEDES – 6/10 – Slack Alice for much of the opening spell as headers went wayward and so did his concentration, all but gifting them a lead; let off the hook by skelly goofball who blasted over. Took himself by the scruff of his brass neck, though, and got his act together for the rest of the contest.

GET CARTER – 7.5/10 – “Bottled-it!” gains a new definition entry in the Visual Urban Dictionary tonight with a clip of Motherwell playmaking agitator and pseudo-punk, Goss, crimping up like a puffball in the face of a rampaging CCV. To be fair, ye can hardly blame the boy; meet the 50-50 and die in screaming agony, or skip like Ryan Kent in a pinafore holding a flower between his teeth, going through a sunny meadow. Surprised to see Carter put in another tough, yet quality, full 90, but I remembered we’re only another centre-back injury away from Ange ringing me in the pub. Give me time for another scoop, big man…

JURAN JURAN – 7/10 – Dainty, and alert more than recently. He fairly scurried around the joint, treating us to bursts of pace that flummox opponents and open up great opportunities. Instrumental in prising their resistance open. The World Cup beckons…

MOOEY – 7/10 – Halloween Broony strikes again – following up Saturday’s Trainspotters detoxing with a solid and consistent smelting of the Steelmen. May not posses the quick feet and incisive passing of his cohorts, but he can pick a Hollywood ball rather well – Eddie T take note – and does a fine job of covering and break-up play; Epitomised by taking one in the face that resulted in our first goal. Great shift again.

Motherwell v Celtic – Premier Sports Cup – Quarter Final – Fir Park Celtic s Liel Abada celebrates with Juranovic and Matt O’Riley  after scoring the second goal of the game. Wednesday October 19, 2022. PhotoJane Barlow

THE BUILDER – 7/10 – If a young Tom Cruise played Calmac in the movie… Default rookie skipper once more steps into a role we’re beginning to forget is not natural to him. Which is testament to his prowess in there, maintaining shape and tempo. Like a flaming Baby Boss.

Motherwell v Celtic – Premier Sports Cup – Quarter Final – Fir Park. Reo Hatate scores the third goal of the game.. Wednesday October 19, 2022. Photo Jane Barlow

HAKUNA HATATE – 8.5/10 MOTM – So the little powerhouse with the gumshield gives us the Ali Shuffle and knocks them out once and for all. “Abra-Ka-Foka-Dabra!” he yelled in Japanese as those feet swished with Eastern magic and their keeper suffered a fit in the face of mystical trickery. David Blane’s flying in to learn it, and Derren Brown’s asked him for a date. Paul Daniel’s ghost could be seen floating about behind their nets howling, “You’ll like that, not a lot, but you’ll like it…” Reo owned the midfield last night – energy peaking as we sealed the game, his terrific movement and footwork having already worn down the home resilience.

Motherwell v Celtic – Premier Sports Cup – Quarter Final – Fir Park Celtic s Liel Abada celebrates scoring the first goal of the game on  Wednesday October 19, 2022. Photo Jane Barlow

ABADASS – 8/10 – He’s a desert spider roaming the wing and a deadly viper in the box. The spider kept falling over its own legs out wide tonight, faffing crosses, but the viper was at it like it was the real Zombies and not just their empathetic Lanarkshire cousins; surged like a Lambo through a mob of climate hysterics to get on the end of Greggs cutback for a crucial start, then spanked in a fine half-volley for a killer second before pinballing one off the post to set up Kyogo. What a record the kid’s got and he’s hardly even started his Celtic career. Legend in the making.

Motherwell v Celtic – Premier Sports Cup – Quarter Final – Fir Park Kyogo Furuhashi misses an early  chance. Wednesday October 19, 2022. Photo Jane Barlow

MR.KOBAYASHI – 6.5/10 – Sitter, bar, goal-line, keeper, baar, steee, aaard… Bang! ‘I knew it’d come eventually…’ is a phrase often sighed by Mrs.M. Tonight, it was a sigh of relief from us all. Had Kyogo turned into the Eastern Stuart Slater; all promise, effort, style, and ultimate frustration? Hmm…Nope! Snap-dragon strike when lazy samurai least expect, says the ancient lore, and in it went off the post and then off the joyful Japanese. Right in front of the travelling circus – what a perfect way to break a drought.

HACKY SACK – 6/10 – A strange outing for the bearded mercury on the wing – well involved first-half and linked with Taylor to eventually eek out the breakthrough. In the end, contrary to idiotic expert expectations – MINE – he faded from the action and wasn’t the Hoop upon which glory or disappointment would depend; he drifted through the match without making a dent or being required to before a dead leg finished him.


LORD KATSUMOTO – 6.5/10 – Fair play to the blinkered anime tempest again as he came off the bench and impacted well – hustling down a loose ball and comically evading the clash of two amber clad titans to lay on the 4th goal.

SON OF JACKIE – N/A – Narrowly survived a bumming attempt. Thankfully regained use of backside and appeared fully mobile by final whistle.

MCCARTHYISM – N/A – More composed game-time for James, able to show he’s got value in this long season of all hands on deck, steadying the ship through the shallows to the final berth. (Flaming great nautical analogy there, pirate fans…)

TWIST – N/A – As with McCarthy: more miles in the boots, the better, as the rangy norseman gets into the Angeball rhythm. Fired about the park like a keen wolfhound in a sheep pen.

ANITA DOBSON – 8/10 – Another 5 changes, another big win as the system he has instilled into the player’s daily regime pays dividends regardless of the components. The Snake was the last manager we saw with such defined parameters, but he was… Well, a sleekit runt, basically, who ultimately failed to condescend his way through the wiles of players like Moussa and Erik who acquired his disingenuous bluffs with instinctive distaste.

With Big Ange, as we’ll see in the DVD release – aye, Santa, that’ll do nicely – it’s about respect and quiet dedication to the architecture of Angeball; a promise that faith begets triumph and all you need do is express the commitment, controlled intensity, effort and belief. That’s what he gets with this squad that he’s carefully crafted into an interchangeable unit, able to negotiate tricky cup ties at way-less than full strength. Just believe in Angeball and the job – more often than not – gets done. On we go.

MIBBERY – 2/10 – Barley a flutter from Don tonight – nullified by Hooped intensity, run off his feet like Motherwell were, more concerned with catching his breath than attempting any futile mendacity. He’ll be saving that for the league run-in…

– Fir Park Celtic players celebrate victory during the Premier Sports Cup quarter final at Fir Park, Motherwell. Wednesday October 19, 2022. Photo Jane Barlow

OVERALL – 8/10 – Credit to Motherwell here – that pitch is  spectacular; if all SPL sides were forced/fincanced to produce such a fine playing surface the Scottish game would advance no end and the broadcasting product be much more viable. We played well on it, anyway, lol. Flew at them all first-half, lovely flowing, inventive football… No end result, save for Kyogo learning the Scottish expression “Flamin hell’… HOW?!” But young Abadass stepped up – or rather in – and relieved the gathering hooped anxiety. One of those nights became another of those nights as we eventually peppered them into submission.

Motherwell v Celtic – Premier Sports Cup – Quarter Final – Fir Park Celtic fans during the Premier Sports Cup quarter final at Fir Park, Motherwell. Photo Jane Barlow

A very satisfactory rampage in the Lanarkshire industrial gloom and another storming of the Hampden gates to come as we get the draw the Zombies wanted and have some degenerate Ayrshire mutants to slay before eviscerating the stanic hordes in a February massacre to avenge Bugs Moran’s boys’ Valentine’s Day soiree mishap. Or probably the Sheep, lol…

Go Away Now


About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email


  1. George Theodorou on

    SeigHeil ? Are you effing serious man ? Do you drink before you write your stuff or are you sober and thoughtless ? Do you realise how many Dutch were killed or starved to death by the Nazis in WW2 ? Very likely Siegrist lost family as well ! How many Scots died in that war or were prisoners-of -war ?

    Last time I had to take you to task was over your sexist comments. You obviously think you are very clever and witty but it’s cheap writing – and thoughtless. Lift your game, you are offending your readers !

    • Thank you for taking the time to take me to task once more.

      You’re absolutely correct, luv – it’s just cheap wordplay, designed
      principally to trigger utter roasters. Disgraceful.