SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v AC/DC
“AC/DC could be regarded as one of history’s great rock bands, but they’ve got a weirdo zombie as lead guitarist who dresses like a Michael Jackson wet dream, so, naw…”
Scotland’s Rolling Stane magazine.
B.A BARKAS – 6/10
Well, he’s rocking with punches thrown and must wonder why the only thing he gets to do in games is pick the ball out of our net. Three times. Not a save to make around them. Bizarre. Saturday it was two. It’s all Greek to him.
WELSH – 4/10
A lesson learned? You better be at it smartish against the top boys or one will sneak beyond you to guide in a header and spoil your big night. Every second, and every step ahead, counts, kid.
ALAN LADD – 3/10
He wouldn’t get his ranch cook to go wrangle a steer, so why do we have a guy who couldn’t get a game for Brighton marshalling our backline against Zlatan and co? Like Chef Cockeye Coyote, the big guy’s out of his depth. Against competent sides his lack of spacial awareness shows, costing us twice last night as players ghosted in around him. Many might pin their opener on him getting caught under the ball but it was a
peach of a clip in. Hurry up and mince back, Jullien Clary.
AJER – 7/10 MOTM
A defender not found wanting against quality. Bust a gut and found time to add his SPL forward surges. His alertness held us firm as we faced a pumping – nicked the ball off Zlatan’s toe at a crucial moment. Fought his space, did his best to urge the collective to higher levels, not to wilt; a captain’s performance in the face of defeat.
LAXALTIVE – 6/10
Strarted in top gear but seemed to shade off in confidence as we struggled for meaningful impact. Willingness to run at opposition inside and out and always look for an early cross is a bonus. Ideal guy to have dragging them wide for the last fifteen as we sought a dramatic comeback. Oh, no, that’s right – he was subbed at the very start of it…
PINGPONG – 5.5/10
The wee mhan’s got it all – pace and Pokemon power, and… NO final ball at all. At least twice he was in a position to kill them with a composed delivery and fluffed his lines. He caused problems and kept at them, and his five-yard burst can be a match winner but… We need to keep him behind after school and work on tuning the last cylinder in the V8.
BROON – 5/10
Another unusual match for the skipper as he picked us up from dead in his customary inviolate manner, refusing to be swamped by swarthy Milanese and getting the Celts’ heads up. But then he drifted, slack passing, not crunching into tackles…Subbed at a crucial point in proceedings; normally the last man you pluck from the fire; we hope it was a fitness issue, saved for Sunday with the game seemingly gone.
CALMAC – 5.5/10
So disappointing to see the metronome not quite tuned. There was space for him between their back lines and with Sam Jackson actually turning up, it was set for Calmac to wreak havoc. But his deftness deserted him in the frenzied seconds around their box when openings can be leveraged. His touch was only slightly out, but in these
contests it can be the difference.
SAM JACKSON – 6.5/10
Surprised, Muthutuckas? Muthutucka wore a permanent expression of bewilderment since he saw the daym teamsheet. But last night he fancied turning up at the shindig and laying down some law. The flicks and
sprightliness lifted our tempo, the repertoire of long-ball switches opened space, and if he could have topped it off with a late strike on target we might have been lauding MOTM in a glorious comeback.
It’s muthutuckin’ evident this Muthutucka turns up for the big Euro games; can we turn his muthutuckin’ head for the domestic stuff with a Royale With Cheese or two? We might get consistent muthutuckin’ rhythm in the midfield. Or maybe it’s too daym muthutuckin’ late for that hope…
GRIFF – 4/10
Spent 45 minutes in a dogging session… I’m here all week. Worn out chasing shadows by half-time and surprisingly replaced before he really had a chance to impact. or to receive any decent service. Hmm.
THE YETI – 5/10
A similar Griff tale, but with a more harrowing finale. Put himself about, made a couple of openings but neither of the starting front two were receiving any kind of support as any exciting forward play petered out at the vinegar strokes. Of course, The Yeti, with his late goalscoring record for Celtic was exactly the man we needed in the box mixing it up as we sought a late climactic equaliser… Oh, that’s right – he was flaming subbed just as they were given pause for thought. And didn’t he look impressed…Way to improve confidence, Lennony…
SUBS:
CHRISTIE – 6/10
Corpus gave us some spark, getting on the ball and spinning in and out their defensive block; just didn’t get everything quite up to speed, like his shooting or his deliveries – great one for the goal, terrible let downs for late free-kicks and corner when we looked for a Jullien/Lazio moment.
ROGIC – 5.5/10
Not the typre of player you hope for much as a late sub but Big Oz is showing more signs of a return to destructive beauty with another cameo involving cute beguiling touches and creative enterprise. Keep goin’,
cobber, as they say in Australian stereotype prose.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE – 6.5/10
Another for the glamour games – swooshed on in a surprise half-time exchange and swooshed about to effect. Scored a header! Well, he shut his eyes as he ran at the ball and it kind of smashed off his face but it looked good. Scooped a couple of real good chances over the bar but at least he was involved and keen; he appeared so on Saturday as well; do we yet have hope this luxury will become an essential as we dig deep to carve out some history this season?
KLIMALA KLIMAX – N/A
Go on, son – get on there and give us a right Klimax. In Color. Just get in and around them and link up with The Yeti and give them a headache for the last fifteen… Oh, no, that’s right – you were chucked in alone. And the Milan defence, they did sigh with a little relief, and they did eat him up like all good Italian-drilled defences do….
GREGGS THE BAKER – N/A
Benched to keep him fresh for the nightshift and get those rolls just right – little burn on top to compliment the breakfast fried eggs. So it was a late introduction just as we got a goal back. Presumably to shore up the 1-2…
And he failed…
LENNONY – 5/10
Okay, changes have been called for earlier when we’re toiling. So half-time it was, and the two subs came on to stir things up. Check.
His alteration looked positive and produced results – more openings and a goal back. Check.
And then he killed momentum stone dead by roping in our adventurous left-sided wingback and angriest striker, by the look of The Yeti as he growled off the park. Not as growly as me watching that change.
What. The. Hell. Said the Celtic support, and Milan. So any hope of a stranglehold finale as we pinned Milan in and they frantically tried to cope with twin strikers shifting like barracuda round their box as their own reserve left back whipped in some stinging crosses, evaporated.
And we gifted them a third with the last kick.
Lennony’s Plan B From Outer Flaming Space.
OVERALL – 6.5/10
Rebounding from the cringing embarrassment of rolling over like chastised puppies to Scotchland’s newest soccer franchise at home on Black October Saturday was never going to be easy against Italy’s best hard rock band and their Swedish superhero.
But we manned-up and shifted the ball around competently for a first-half where our spells of possession lit expectations with tempo and decent combinations. But.. we still managed to look effective without really affecting.
And then they did what good Italian sides do and picked us off with class, ensuring the night was no reboot of previous European glories, instead trailered the horrifying Return Of The Seive starring Alan Ladd, just in time for Halloween.
Second-half we made a good fist of it until getting sucker-punched late on. Credit to the players for not going under in Black October Saturday’s shameful manner, but for standing up to a good side and forcing their way back into the game. We just didn’t have the final killer instinct to turn our moments of hope into lasting memories.
And the possibility of another grand finale to echo last year’s Lazio joy was strangled at birth by personnel tinkering that gave me a sore head. From banging it off a wall.
All-in, Europe’s a distraction; useful for bettering our experience. A means to test progress, or lack of it. We had something impressive last night, for a while either half, but we let it slip. If we can get it back, the season starts then.
Go Away Now.
Sandman
