SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v AZ ALLAHHUAKBAR...
“With Koyogo in the team,
Big Ange built his dream,
And his Celts they light up ParadiseAnge!
Ayyn-ge!
Glasgow Celtic in your eyes…Ange!
Ayyn-ge!
Glasgow Celtic in your eyes”Chorus, The Rolling Stones ‘Ange’, from ‘Kangaroo Heid Soup’ album, Australian/Greek special edition, double sleeve vinyl.
ROXIE – 8.5/10 – Those dancer’s feet. Adopting ballet finishing position number 5, in the 5th minute, she trailed an experienced toe and made the save of the season. A save you cannot underestimate in value to this new side’s confidence and belief. Sheer goalkeeping class. Panstick applied to gloves at half-time, she stilled our beating harts (sic! See what I did there cardiologist pun fans?) with solid handling, footwork and presence. What a showgirl!
TONY THE TIGER – 8/10 – All-in for the bhoy from the jungle! Well, his Dad probably…Terrific application and commitment, lung-busting runs and goal-busting defensive work. A little shaky at certain moments but mostly epitomised the new psychology; we’ll be 100% at it, regardless.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – Hmm, Shakin’ Stevens. Spilling the ball like a tray of rolls the morning after a binge. Maybe the occasion got to him a little, maybe the higher level of opponent, but appeared unsettled and way too hesitant many a time. That indecision could have been costly.
RAQUEL – 8.5/10 M(Or Hot Chick)OTM – Never recorded a mis-step in her perfectly-focussed defensive leading lady role. Even their sitter came after she covered a Star Lord gaff and stopped a certainty. Thank Ghod she was in the zone, because the unforced errors around could have been disastrous. But nothing got past that could be intercepted, no runners got blindside and every high ball was excellently contested.
STARLORD – 5.5/10 – Habitual tomfoolery surfaces too often. Early on, a repeat of his Hearts goal waifery; forward goes right through him and in on goal. Second-half, ball-watching a sliderule beyond him into striker’s path into our box; saved by Raquel, then bailed out by sand wedge finishing. Defending can be reduced to basics when your timing’s out or confidence short: “See ball, smash ball”; the Bobo Balde foolproof technique – someone teach the Star Lord.
CALMAC – 6/10 – Wow, what a fade. Terrific command first 45, dictating with panache. Then came an unusual slump after the break, energy dipped and so did our overall tempo. As Captain Duracell flagged, Celtic flagged, lost a grip on the game and rode our luck until breaks went our way. An irregular game of two halves for Calmac, and a point of reference others – you need to step up the self-reliance and do some water-carrying at times.
ROGIC – 7.5/10 – The balance of a surfer, with feet the size of boards. That game-changing guile was exemplified in his goal contribution, so casual and so deadly, a football brain operating nanoseconds ahead of others as he fired in a killer ball without backlift. Fit and involved, he’s the one to bewilder and suck the will from opponents with moments like he delivered tonight.
EDDIE TURNBULL – 6/10 – Sloppy, sloppy – irritatingly poor deliveries from a bhoy with a gift. Fell away as Calmac flagged; that is the time he should be flexing and taking over for a spell. We still get telling contributions but as I’ve harped on about – in big matches he has to be THE mhan and boss the creative spaces.
ABADASS – 6.5/10 – Fired up to slay, then fade away. He had them on hot coals first-half, nearly scored, may have created a few. But was affected by the nervous energy drain and disappeared off the radar. Will come again, though, and hopefully get stronger and more influential over a longer period of time as learns to pace himself better.
JAMESY – 7/10 – How did he score that? The question is not ‘how?’ but ‘what with?’. Their keeper watched it, agape, as the ball took a 90 degree deflection and squirmed past him. They called it an O.G on the match stats, but strangely I couldn’t find a ‘Jerry Helmet’ on their team list. Jamesy showed others how to maintain a threat-level throughout the 90; was just frustrating that we didn’t use him often enough as an out-ball. When we did get him properly involved, fireworks ensued.
MR.KOBAYASHI – 8/10 – The wee mhan is a terror. They watch the skies for him, they keep an eye over the shoulder, a camera trained on the ocean around Bikini Atoll for surfacing signs, but he ninjas his way in like a yurei (I’ll educate you muthas…) – scoring a beauty from the ether. Despite AZ’s best attempts, he also defies assassination attempts. And come the 29th, expect the Zombies to refer to him as ‘Shinigami.’
SUBS:
FRENCH EDDY – 6.5/10 – “Mon Dieu, Le ‘Uh in bleu!” cried Eddy as he was miraculously denied by a charmed keeper in slaver-empire blue. But for that witchcraft, we’d be bouncing into the group stages.
MCCARTHYISM – N/A – On late to maintain order; took a kick, out until January.
FIELD MARSHALL – 6/10 – Here’s the game kid again. Third match in a row he’s launched himself into the fray – no hiding behind the lines for this prospective war hero; unbelievably denied his first Celtic goal in the late stramash.
MAN OF – N/A – Expected him to start, may do so in the away leg as we try to play with some sort of sanity.
ANITA DOBSON – 8/10 – Well, the big guy called it yesterday – wants his sides to go for it from the first whistle. Certainly raised eyebrows with an attacking selection for a big Euro game so brazen that Heidi Fleiss and her girls turned in their badges and Charlie Sheen simply sat back stoned and breathed, “Wooowww…”
And after 90 minutes of sucking air in through clenched teeth, roaring approval and both cursing and thanking the gods of luck, Big Ange delived a great result and another encouraging display of balls-out (Jamesy loves the style…) attacking bravery. Next week, the away test of disciplined tactical nous will be his most strident measure yet. Will he prevail? With another week at Lennoxtown behind him, who’d bet against it?
OVERALL – 8/10 – You gotta get into it; ‘Come ahead’ fitba’. Like the Rocky movies we just go out there swinging and taking their best crosses, jabs, and slugs right on the chin. Battering absolute hell out of each other, and see who’s standing at the final bell; box office entertainment. Makes me almost want to contribute to the pub stream I watched it on. Almost, but, y’know – pints are more expensive now…
Last night, we were told by all sage Scottish football commentators (i.e goat-pumping acolytes), this was the big test – decent Dutch opposition, technically proficient, tactically astute; could end badly for an ‘open’ Celtic side. Well, yes, it could have. And then, we could have also horsed them 6-3 if all those dramatic moments ended with bulging nets.
So once more, we end a Celtic day with optimism and burgeoning excitement for the weeks to come. How missed this sensation has been, standing bloodied in the ring after the bout, another Clubber Lang or Ivan Drago on the deck, cursing their broken hopes; and Celtic bellowing out at the jubilant crowds, barely comprehensible, battered, slurred, but triumphant, ‘Aaaddrrriiiaaaaannn!!’ Or is it, ‘Aaaannnnngggeeeee!!…”?
Sandman.
Buoyant.
Go Away Now.
