Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Arabesques

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v ARABESQUES

“So I told them, ‘Don’t be singing a song about a returning hero, who I’m openly pursuing to sign.
Because that’s disrespectful to the fella currently in the jersey, who I’m openly trying to replace.’
How we laughed, Pete and I…”

– From ‘Gaslighting Memoirs’ by Brendan Rodgers

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6.5/10 –  Wrap up tight, it’s going to be a cold one…Denmark’s freezing forests have got nothing on Scotland’s dank winter chill, especially when you’re stuck in more or less the one spot for a couple of hours. So it was wise of Kasper to wear his puffa jaicket under his goalie tap. Wise, that is, for the first 45… He waited 14 minutes for a first kick, maybe 3 touches the entire half. Then after the break the tables swivelled a bit, if not fully turned, and Kasper earned his Lego vouchers with some solid keeping to notch another clean sheet.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6/10 – We thought it was getting Canada cold during the last half hour but, minus five or whatever, it still can’t match the minus 16 on the other side of the city. For AJ, missing his Luftwaffe wingman, it was a frosty night out. Couldn’t find a good final ball, passing was slack; threw in some duff crosses yet, ironically, skewing a deflection off Yang’s backside brought about the opening goal.

GET CARTER – 7/10 – Rugged and extremely convincing physical presence against a number of opponents lined up against him through the middle. Superb rolling, combating physique with strength, pace with smart anticipation, and even down on his knees blocking during a stramash.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6.5/10 – Gallus for goals after Saturday – smacked a header off bar 13 minutes in and was always thereabouts for our four thousand corners. Maintained organisation well with fellow Navy Seal as United found themselves in nosebleed territory more times than we were comfortable with. Battled well during
their ubiquitous aerial assaults.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – “Ha-ha! The boss says they don’t like ye!” ‘Eh? Shutup, Jamesy…’ Bewildered, Greggs went about his business as usual – rolls baked to a tee, pastries timed to perfection, steak bakes suitably lava-filled…Whatever the contention around his will-he-won’t-he-go-play-for-a-Roman-Emperor, as ever Greggs the player gave his busy best for the Celtic jersey – the attribute that improved his game tenfold under the last regime and which will ensure his presence will be missed, or appreciated, whatever he decides to do this month. File tonight under, ‘typical’ and credit him for an intense 90 minutes of quiet effectiveness with his inverted presence always giving us options when faced with a stoical wall of turquoise/lavender/Peppa Pig pink.

CALMAC – 6.5/10 – An evening on maintenance duty. Playing more the foreman than conductor as Luke and Arne got the creativity underway. Still managed the pass of the night – a superb disguised reverse ball on 43 minutes that deserved a goal.

THE TERMINATOR – 7.5/10 MOTM – ‘I’m the best kid in the school team and you know it.’ That’s the vibe off this bhoy and we’re going to get to know it, alright. The more confident he gets, the more that arrogance infects his play and the diagnosis is excitement all-round. Moves about like he owns the place and sees the game seconds ahead of others. Got culture in the boots with inventive lay-offs, a wicked delivery, and his instinctive movement puts him at the centre of all our good stuff. Bhoy’s what they call ‘a pler’ in high society*…

*The Brazenheid

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 6.5/10 – Touch marginally off until he warmed up, then Luke was sharp and tenacious and our midfield took control. Quick to get on a loose ball and produce the save for our first on the rebound. Shifts with a quality smooth style. Began too look a little leggy 2nd half, left with kudos for a decent contribution.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – Motoring from the start. Daizeminem loves a January in Paradise – his memorable introduction to us almost three years to the day – and it was fitting he pounced on a loose ball to nail the first much like he did against Hibs back then, same end. Always a thorn in opposition sides, and often in his own. Might have had a second, might have created another as well. A fine night of Daizen Daizening.

DUNCAN IDAHO – 5.5/10 – Thought he was growing into game, touches, movement, holding off defenders; all looked well as the opening 45 drew on. But he faded again instead of dominating, got swallowed up by their CBs. Anonymity doesn’t befit a Celtic centre-forward. It ended up yet another blunt outing.

YING – 5.5/10 – Who the hell are you? You’re not on the teamsheet? Seemed to fool BR with the worst Kuhn impersonation since the end-of-season party when Jamesy stuck a slug to his top lip and goose-stepped around the restaurant asking if anyone had “Seen Kyle? Seen Kyle?…” And prattling on about a war…However, he couldn’t fool us despite lighting proceedings up a couple of times with neat footwork. He still, in summary, appears a bit lightweight at times and yet to convince he’s a better investment than the departed Mikey J. But the jury’s not convicting anyone yet; more to come.

CONTINUED ON THE NEXT PAGE…