Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Aryan Brotherhood

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v ARYAN BROTHERHOOD…

“If one were to determine what attributes the Zombies share with a beast, it would be that of the rat.” – Christoph Waltz, ‘Inglorious…’

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 7/10 – The family inheritance gets thrown in rancid Zombie faces as their consolation effort is blocked by a Schmeichel classic. Surprisingly little to do considering the bizarrely level match shot stats desperate Belgian is clinging to like Jack Dawson with the Titanic lavvy door. And Kasper’s stop to thwart Captain Disappointed was sweet. He also never put a foot wrong when required to initiate the play-out.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 8/10 – A tremendous 90 minutes, enhancing his industrious start to the season with real potent quality here – ironically pickpocketing one of Fagan’s weasel’s and laying on Kyogo to score with a smart ball into the space. Always involved, always showing, always covering. Won’t be relinquishing his spot to Uncanny without a scrap.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 8/10 – The Moose on the loose! Opened up those equestrian legs to keep the dead ball alive and assist Daizen’s opener. Another player who’s maturing into a proper baller just when you think he’d reached a ceiling. His professionalism is a reflection of his footballing intelligence – not fazed by a joke yellow early on for taking a slap in the face; saw out the game as he always does- on the front foot with controlled aggression.

OF JUSTICE – 8/10 – ‘I shall not be moved.’ The Ginger Baresi steps up his game as Rocky stays put and Crusty The Clown rolls in for a shot beside his Yankee buddy. Liam’s positioning, timing and combative moments were all pinpoint-perfect. No panic in the sweeper role, notable goal-saving blocks and interceptions justifying his starting spot.

GET CARTER – 7/10 – Surprisingly a little bit slack and not tight enough in certain troublesome situations. Of course, overcoming his opponents ultimately like the preternatural brawling beast that he is; just seemed like it took him a while to get in his groove and lacking 100% focus. That’s what good defensive partners are for, and his made sure he could recover.

SAINT BERNARDO – 7.5/10 – It’s Gregg Taylor if he was made of silk. Said before this bhoy’s not afraid of hard work despite his sophisticated heritage form the world’s finest city. And he was instrumental in lifting The Hoops
from their opening slumber with basic toil. That’s how he plays himself into game – grafts and gets the rhythm then his born quality shows through; Terrific twisty move into their box that was almost a goal for the ages which would have opened the floodgates big-time, spoiled only by a scuffed finish. No Matty, no worries.

CALMAC – 8.5/10 – Calmac from out box – 9/1? Nah, not taking that; already missed backing his other two this season, doubt he’s got another in him so soon…FFS. Even had the audacity to skim it in off a Zombie’s studs just to rip the Colin Nish. What a day for the metronomical master of transition (And not the Cantwell type…).The disallowed orgasmic non-opener was their warning – a sumptuous surgical ball from the skipper had them bleeding dirty oranje, and from then on no sutre was enough to stop the spill as Calmac took control.

They tried their best with a couple of superstars* dogging him, but they were shrugged off with the ease of Lana Wolf’s kecks at a Louden Bar pool competition; The one positive take from such depravity is that you can’t see her face properly by the end of proceedings…Quite simply, the skip is a level above anything they can currently throw at him and our key to domestic domination. The example is set on and off the park; his relentless consistency and pride at being a great Celtic Captain.

And the harsh reality served to the Zombies today is that – to quote from the movie about a lesser ‘Mac’
Gregor… – ‘All men with honor are KINGS.’

HAKUNA HATATE – 7/10 – ‘Oh Reo, Reo… Reo cross the ball,’ sang Simon Le Bollocks, and for the initial spell in the match, Reo was the Bhoy less likely to. But when he finally found his range and got ticking over, so did our full flow. Suddenly he was picking the passes and spaces and they had no answer to his fluidity, the layoffs, the one-touch ghosting through lines…You forget he spent so long injured last season. Reckon he’s 80% at Reo-capacity; cross your fingers for a fully match-sharp Hatate to stake his claim in the CL.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 9/10 MOTM – Tavpen’s missus is dressing as Eminem in the bedroom tonight just so he can get close to anything resembling Daizen. And he’ll probably still end up getting pegged…The mad inscrutable Japanese perpetual motion machine is arguably our most important, most unusual improvisational tool, tactically. Fools rage at his often erratic final ball – his weakest attribute – but his true value in the big contests was exemplified today with an extraordinary rampage around the Zombie herd that spooked every last one of them and left their distressed captain with the fixed expression of an Edvard Munch painting.

Daizeminem buys time. The most precious commodity in football; time to reset our shape as he presses, time to catch your breath, time on the ball as opponents grow weary tracking him. Add in his potent goal threat and jhoy of playing in the Hoops – family guy happy to be here – and we have a legend who we’ll only really appreciate when he’s gone. And hopefully that’ll be a long few seasons away…

KILLER MUSHROOM – 8/10 – Henrik would have scored that dink, and there’s the ultimate difference, kids…BUT – the wee mhan’s as close as you’ll see to THE top predator and now that the boss understands this as well, we get glorious moments.

Defied by, eh, ‘dubious’ crayoned lines a wonderful first of the season, it didn’t take long…Skelper supreme now – does he get a trophy, Phil? – and no finer illustration of a razor-sharp striker’s instinct
than his goal. Made it look so simple but it was that combination of natural ability and the reflexive precision
of a stone-cold killer when he spotted Buttman’s off-kilter positioning on the turn. Pep missed his chance. Noel and Liam can hoof it up here with Paul to take a look at what they might have had at Citeh. We get to Roll With It…

TAKINTE – 7.5/10 – Love the bhoy’s improving impact; been outstanding against the smaller cannon-fodder, now showing us he’s taken a fancy to tormenting bigger game by turning some pheasant pluckers inside-out. Had them on a merry Riverdance in the first-half killing zone, executing his gliding style with Germanic efficiency and cool merciless consistency.

SUBS

JAMESY – 500/10 Man Of The Century – Jamesy reaches an incredible number of appearances in the Hoops; almost a quarter of the notches on his headboard. The current one…Straight down their throats today when he came on; nothing unusual there. What a game to hit that landmark. Bhoy to Mhan in the sacred jersey. Congratulations to the Prestwick Pele; a proper club legend. You better believe that Jamesy’ll mark up another 500 easy. And, no, I’m not talking about games for Celtic…

THE TERMINATOR – N/A – “What ze feck ees going on here?” Young Arnie sort of wandered about bewildered for his short introduction to Paradise; and nobody would pass to him because he didn’t look like Matt O’Riley. However, he did enjoy the experience and when interviewed said… “I’ll be back.” Thank you. I’m here all week.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 6.5/10 – ‘I had a dream. And if dreams come true, then Glasgow Celtic, I’ll play for you,” intoned John Gordon Sinclair (two mentions in a week, bizarre…), almost. Young Skywalker got his boyhood fantasy made real this afternoon. And didn’t he do just fine? Got the pace quickly, put himself about, relished his first taste of proper Skleping in a hooped tap he wasn’t just wearing under his Ayr/Dundee kit or in front of the telly. He was out there. It actually happened, and may happen some more if he keeps his heid in this living dream.

DUNCAN IDAHO – N/A – Would have been funny for the yuks if he’d managed to rub it in with another last-minute strike, but we can wait…

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 8.5/10 – Let’s get a gripe out the way – he let Tomoki go. Right on the cusp of the CL; our best DM option? Seemed a strange call. That said, he gets leeway with the new bhoys. And he’s a good enough coach to have them au fait (that’s French for ‘tuned-in) with his tactical game-plan by the end of this international break.

The planned midfield control, the quick interchanges, and the devastating counters and attacking flares went entirely to plan once his side slotted into the correct grooves. After finally producing a double album with great finishing numbers last session, the hard work over the summer cued-up the ambition for a treble album this time out with added CL bonus tracks. BR simply has to put the needle on the record… Put the needle on the record… And the jungle drumbeats go like this…(see how I Pumped Up The Volume there, Marrs fans?)

MIBBERY – 5/10 – Not a bad day for Johnny the Zombie and Damien Dallas – dodgy VAR call to stay the execution, and the expensive new Bhoy was booked. Perhaps realising that their beloved collective of inbred imperialistic filth are an anachronism, a shambles that even their skullduggery cannot salvage. But they’ll try; yes they will. With every calculated dubious free-kick award in dangerous areas, or every subtle utilisation or misuse of the advantage rule; they’ll dig in and double down and come looking for opportunity to hoodwink the Hoops.

We welcome the disgrace…

OVERALL – 8.5/10 – Hey, folks, roll-up for rope-a-dope Sunday. Here’s some chuckles to get you going as the Govan Tribute Act enjoy plenty of possession and threat for fifteen minutes; enough for slavering Bears to have their flies down, before the Hoops wake up and leave them with blue baws and desolation. Their wee-team-in-the-cup-having-a-go energy had our Bhoys warily cautious in a flat opening spell before class showed through and we picked them off like One Shot Willy sniping Black And Tans.

Thereafter, despite the worryingly ‘so last-season’ pattern developing of gentlemenly conduct where we don’t eviscerate, and allow them back in the game, there were periods where we played them so far off the park half of them lined up at Hampden for the restart after Calmac brought the curtain down.

A 44-year record equalled for consecutive home pumpings against The Evil Dead 1, and now The Evil Dead 2. Now our enemy becomes domestic complacency; the only thing between us and the trophy haul eclipsing of the horrors of history. I doubt the CL involvement will have the Bhoys operating in anything but first gear, so here’s looking forward to the next vanquishing of the Army Of Darkness come New Year, when we get to lift the title at Mordor/Hampdump/Cathkin Park…

So…

When the demi-Ghod known to scripture as ‘The Bunnet’ saved Celtic’s soul 30 years ago THIS right here, right now is, – in the glorious harmonic melody of (fellow Bhoy, iirc) Kevin McDermott and his Orchestra – ‘This Is Where We Were Meant To Be.’ Put that beautiful tune on right now and raise a glass to the rampant, unrepentant, undefeated, CL-ready, dominant Hoops.