SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v RUGGER MINIS

‘The Hearts support visit Glasgow four times a season; twice to watch them play Celtic, and twice to watch theRangers play Celtic.’

– Scottish Football wisdoms.

ROXIE – 6.5/10 – Tonight Joe will be… Beckenbauer! Invaluable experienced showgirls are a rarity on the escort circuit – I heard… – and a rarity when it comes to tricky opponents who’ll utilise pacy forwards in behind your solid yet not speed-gifted centre backs. But we’ve got one and her reading of the game kept their only avenue of opportunity closed.

DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA – 8/10 – Bhoy’s a player. Well, we know that, given his heritage. But after the ring-rustiness was shaken, his touch and recovery and supporting movement in particular were a joy, and almost MOTM worthy. Exemplified by his subtle drift in between their lines to open up the pass and shuttle it onto Hacky for the killer third. Simple, but instinctive and quality. Also beautifully nailed one of their agitators with an Argentine special, that had Bambos stand-in manager, actor Jason Statham (who was playing the part of a meth-ridden jakey very well on the touchline – do I hear ‘Oscar!’?) squealing for a VAR red card.

STAR LORD – 6.5/10 – The stadium held its breath as Star Lord fell on his arse – of course he did – but recovered well to avoid calamity. Then had a rough time with fleet-footed WobblyJelly, or something, but held his own and
relaxed into a decent game when their main danger was subbed off.

GET CARTER – 6.5/10 – Big mhan, big job, or so it looked. First half hour he was at the coal-face and getting  turned more than he’s been all season. A good workout for the run-in that eventually saw him exert the usual control of the centre and may curse himself for not nailing a good, clear, headed chance to take the lead early second half.

TONY THE TIGER – 6.5/10 – Tonight Tony will be… Pele! Nearly closed entries for Goal of The 21st Century as Ronaldo emptied Qatar newsagents’ stock looking for Tony’s Panini sticker. Add in another couple of sumptuous slide-rule passes and you’d think he was coasting. But there were a number of sclaffs and wayward deliveries that exasperated and had a rough-edged Mr.100% not quite hitting two thirds of his capabilities.

CALMAC – 7/10 – The delight of this interoperative, perpetual motion Celtic machine is that the weight of expectation and responsibility is taken off the skip by the multi-functioning components around him. Even on big nights like this, Calmac is required to ‘simply’ – with his outrageous gifted guile, more like – steer the ship, maintain the tempo and let the system do what it does best.

THE BUILDER – 6/10 – Great. Phish. Great! Phish! And so it went for Matty the Viking. Another requiring game-time, flushing hot and cold – ladies… – but always available and in contention to produce a flurry of magic.

MOOEY – 7/10 – If you shaved a sloth and genetically infused it with the perspicacity of a meerkat you get the hybrid, deceptive cultured footballing ability of Mooey. Slooowww to start, it seems – to the uninitiated – then comes involvement by osmosis, then the killing blow, delivered in some unforeseen pass of obvious hindsight executed in the moment by the guy you thought was maybe sleeping on the job. Deadlock, then space, Mooey – Kyogo – champions.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – “Defecit! The Gods have forsaken us! A sacrifice is required! Let it be me, God Emperor! Let me taste the glory of goal and death in one second of bravery and martyrdom. Kyogo, San, deliver me the means for the offering to greater glory!” And he did. And Daizen did. And then departed this realm with immense honour.

DEADLY NIGHTSHADE – 8.5/10 – “Aye, Kyogo, he’s been shackled the nigh…Yaaaaaasss!” The movement – that I harp on about – and the killing touch; Gets in behind to set up the equaliser, flits back into the shadowlands, only
to emerge in a blur later to slay their dark intent with a sweeping run and rifled finish. Cometh the time, cometh the curious anime/nintendo game character we’ve come to revere like a benevolent kaiju.

ABADASS – 5.5/10 – Was it the right wing? Did Andy Halliday’s witchcraft – wearing Chalrie Adams’ sisters pants under his shorts, and Alfie’s bra – curse the flank? Following Tony’s lead, Abadass had Bear-in-the-vatican levels of difficulty in crossing. Incredible frustration abounded as he perplexingly fizzled away many an opportunity. From lethal sub to lethargic subbed disappointment.

SUBS –

OH BHOY – N/A – Couldn’t repeat the trick of smashing in a jovial third in his short Celtic career, but no petted lip as he rumbled around in search of opportunity, which is good.

NOTEBOOK – 7.5/10 – Tonight, Jota will be… Ronaldinho! Effervescent, he is. The conundrum of his topsy-tury Sunday showing was answered as Ange benched him, then had to release his furious dancing feet earlier than expected. What would we get? Impact. A jiving Young Gun with a head for the hits – classic disguised pass in from wide that picked out Mooey and led to Kyogo eviscerating the Zombie dogs. The merry dancer wasn’t done as he took over the tease along the front line and will have their defence losing sleep as Saturday looms.

TONIO IWATAO – N/A – Competent and efficient and knowledgeable enough to fit right into the defensive mid without a ripple and maintain the synch.

HAKUNA HATATE – N/A – A warmup runout for Saturday’s Bladerunner.

HACKY SACK – 7/10 – Ooft, Missus! Kenneth Williams fell off his spectral chair as Hacky glided in, then guided in… a peach of a dipping swerving missile to gild the night and remind us of the treasure chest of skillful delights
he’s yet to unleash in a Celtic jersey.

ANITA DOBSON – 8.5/10 – The Gorgeous Mrs.Postecoglou: “What’s up Ange, honey, mayte, ya glum?”

Big Ange: ‘Mayte, just bored with the weather and the Zombies and the Mibbery.’

The Gorgeous Mrs.Postecoglou: “Well, honey, mayte, why don’t ya troll ’em
Zombies tonoyte?”

Big Ange: ‘What ya mean, darlin’ mayte?’

The Gorgeous Mrs.Postecoglou: ‘Drop half the team, baybe, mayte – get that gurnin’ dingo scarecrow in their dugout exoited, then let em’ ‘ave it from the new Bhoys.’

Big Ange: ‘Mayte, sweetheart, now there’s an oidea…’

And in a shakeup of shakeups, out went a Zombie-handful (four fingers…) of match-winners and in came keen and hungry… Match-winners. Angeball – it knows no boundaries, nor possibilities.

MIBBERY – 6/10 – A loyal and staunch attempt to derail the Hooped Express. VAR check on Hacky’s screamer was the killing joke of a night which saw knees not counting for offside if your opponents are in Hoops, and fresh air flagged offside when the Hoops equalised.

“Through veils of heartbroken tears they doth try,
But in forlorn hope those heathen scabrous Zombies will die…”

– from Shakespeare’s lost soliloques

OVERALL – 8/10 – ‘Bams get bammed up,’ my old Granpappy used to say as we supped moonshine on his porch together and searched the night sky for the orbiting Kenny Miller. Tonight, the Bambos were in town looking to do their big cousins a late favour in the disappearing title quest. God knows, they’ve run themselves into the ground every time they’ve faced the ghastly children of the slaver empire…

Tonight we gifted them a start over a lost dressing room bet about Jesus being more likely to pick a cross than Andy Halliday, and dark excitement took a hold in much of this nations’ blighted medieval villages. But as we’ve seen, known, and hoped – this Celtic side are a different animal than what has gone before; there’s never a
frenzy, or panic or defeat countenanced.

With resolute adherence to the style, we Angeball-ed our way back and on to victory. A sweet victory too, given the nature and – well, smell – of our opponents. To use the correct pronouns – ‘cos, Edinburgh, y’know… – despicable they got a rather satisfactory doing and that champion feeling edges ever closer once more.

Only one question left to ponder – if we smash them out of the cup on Saturday, does two wins in succession against those purveyors of metastasized unionism count as one over their parent club? Let’s go find out…

Go Away Now

Sandman

Pushing the launch of Matthew Marr’s debut Celtic book – ‘The BOULD BHOYS – Glory to their name’ back a week to Friday 24 March. Thanks to everyone who has ordered since we announced the book last night via an interview with the author. Please note that all pre-ordered books will be personally signed by Matthew Marr and you can order below if you’d like a signed copy posted out to you 24 March.

READ THIS...‘The Bould Bhoys – Glory to their name’ by Matthew Marr