Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Beaton and Midlothian


“Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.” – B.C. Forbes.

ROXIE – 6/10 – Highlight of the day – calling Shankland a ‘Craigy-White-bag’ for not taking their penalty. Probably because even a Zombie like him couldn’t believe it was given…And for all their overloading, Joe still didn’t have that much to do; sad to say even our stalwart couldn’t exert influence over the couple of depressing scenarios that ruined the day.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – He made his Celtic name here with a match-winning performance under Ange during another VAR debacle. Not the worst today, firing in useful crosses that deserved better, and demanding more of his compatriots.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6/10 – If disbelief had a face, The Moose was it yesterday as penalties were conjured out of the ether, and he was halted upteen times by unbookable Zombie collaborators. Unbookable until the last 5 minutes, that is; surprise, surprise…Like, Greggs, one of the more determined of our ten men.

OF JUSTICE – 4/10 – Liam, damnit – looked back on his game with some sterling interceptions but the physical flaws remained – not robust enough, or – fatally – sharp enough to make it to the loose ball at their second.

Heart of Midlothian v Celtic  – Greg Taylor right and Cameron Carter-Vickers speak with match referee Don Robertson after he awards a penalty to Heart of Midlothian during the cinch Premiership match at Tynecastle  Sunday March 3, 2024. Photo Andrew Milligan

GET CARTER – 5/10 – Appeared ready for a battle, then appeared still a little rusty from his lay off as build-up play was laboured and he carried an air of unease when pressure was on. Couple of games more, he’ll be back to necessary decisive defending, and perhaps nail another of those headed chances he really should have banged in today.

TONIO IWATAO – 4/10 – Of them all, he was the one missing Calmac’s steadying influence the most. As we’ve come to expect, his break-up play was valuable but on the ball he dithered – once which proved almost suicidal, reprieved by offside. Fine, useful DM he is, but playmaker he’s not. As it was, he also somehow ended up perpetrator of another game-defining moment – penalised under the new backward-unseen-elbowball ‘rule’; A travesty of a decision #2.

SAINT BERNARDO – 3/10 – Absent after the red. Had looked effectively rangy beforehand, like a drugged Bambi prone to spontaneous outbursts of fleet-footedness. Sacrificed for the greater goodness-knows-what.

THE BUILDER – 4/10 – Ach, Matty was the key to any ten man heroics. But wonderful as he’s been, he’s maybe a season or two from being a dominant midfield match-winner. One day he’ll take a situation like this by the hee-haws and dictate and carve up Zombie sycophants like them, but not today as he toiled to cultivate anything

LORD KATSUMOTO – 4/10 – With great promise comes a great second-half fade. Daizen may have scored had the ball not gotten slightly stuck on his new velcro-heid before dunting over; a smooth bonce would have skimmed that in. But with Kyogo on the park my expectation was that between him and Matty, the service would set up the wee man for heroics. Nope.

DUNCAN IDAHO – 3/10 – Well, on moments such as those do titles pivot. Just bang it in and we’ll go crush them…Then it became just bang something in and get usinto the game…And so the new superhero loses his cape and with it, our grip on the title. Not the Messiah yesterday, just a naughty bhoy.

YING – N/A – You don’t need to speak Korean to understand the universal expression of ‘what the hell?’ And any watching Koreans would have been introduced to the uniquely Scottish refereeing concept of red-carding accidental high boots attempting to perform a fancy flick, just because Mr.C from The Shamen stuck his stupid wee peroxided heid into the studs.

A travesty of a decision #1.


KILLER MUSHROOM – 6.5/10 MOTM – Enter the Dragon, and enter the one mhan who looked like making a difference. Sick of a system depriving him of service he set about creating his own fun and but for the curse of the Gorgie Witch (Wee Anne Budgerigar) would have given us a goal or two and some hope. The formula is simple for a dozen more games – flaming play him. Feed him: win the league, and probably the cup.

NED KELLY – N/A – Welcome to mission impossible, kid. Blooded by Robertshunn with a yellow as a rite of passage.

Heart of Midlothian v Celtic – Brendan Rodgers following the cinch Premiership match at Tynecastle, Sunday March 3, 2024. Andrew Milligan

THE SHNAKE – 5/10 – “And lo he shall step forth from the shadow of loss and speak the name of thy demon..”Named and shamed and fair play for that one. Call them out and string ’em up, I say; like Rhett Butler might have said – it’s about time we cleaned up the (back)woods…With any luck the simps in suits will have him on a charge and he’ll get to damn them as a matter of public record.

What’s not looking good is his football record; regardless of today’s incredible bias, back-to-back goalless defeats to this rabble of impostor Zombies looks miserable. The Buck Rodgers system does not lend itself to recovering from a personnel deficit; there’s no Plan B, just monotonous Plan A minus a component, that results in aimless, impotent keep-ball when we need to be playing brave zip-ball and throwing some caution to the chilling breeze in search of a title. Check, check, check…The clock is ticking; a countdown on many things, methinks…

VAR duties for John Beaton. Malcolm Mackenzie PSI

MIBBERY – 9/10 – Many won’t agree but I’m going to offer a rational objective take on the incredulous officiating – Beaton’s a filthy Zombie dog and Robertson’s his compliant bitch…The instinctive assessment is that both these servile wretches forelock-tug in synch, perhaps draw straws for which end of the goat they take…

But no, truth is that Beaton’s the new Dallas, pulling seniority and Don’s anything but a Don – merely a compliant tool climbing the ladder. An absolute tool. Beaton, though – if it was ever in doubt – is saturated in inbred verminous trampitude to the core. Begrudgingly gave Don our penalty moment, seized upon his gallus elation at the miss to invoke some of the more ludicrous interpretations of reality we’ve ever seen plague the Hoops’ fortunes. At one point Timothy Leary shook his head, hissed ‘Woooww, screw that, I’m out, mannn…’ and left the ground.

So we really just know what we’ve always known. And events of Saturday merely inspired the revelations of Sunday; yet somehow it kind of takes you by surprise, so focussed on the Hoops’ performance you become.But this is Scotland, remember, it’s very hilly and so there’s no such thing as a level playing field, Timothy…

OVERALL – 4/10 – What a difference a week makes. And Hearts have had a good one according to Shankland – 4 points out of 9 he smiled, the sleekit five-heid Ayrshire Zombie.. After their favourite team got pumped by a side wearing sashes it appeared the entire section of Edinburgh that can’t afford the train tickets through to Mordor were pumped for our visit.

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And their players certainly responded to the atmosphere of unhealthy excitement resonating around their phish-stained music-festival portakabin of a ‘stadium’. So much so that the same maroon goons buggered by five in Glasgow last week were firing around like badgers on Adderol, at us in a consistent frenzy as if they’d been mainlining heroin up their backsides in the dressing room.

But our response was far too muted. And the void of Calmac’s absence far too expansive to fill. We lacked guidance and purpose. Where was the ruthless focus of Champions? Tempo was an abstract concept and, despite the injustices plainly thrown in our faces, there’s been more collective aggression on Songs Of Praise than we managed to muster; “Page 177, psalm 43, ya bams!”.

And what could have been a beautiful schadenfreude Sunday turns out to be a classic Scottish Zombie Sunday as officials pin their colours (orange; like you thought something else?) to the stake and set a fire to torch the good Ghuys. Which meant we had to suffer the crowning indignity of an escaped chernobyl rat with alopecia from radiation poisoning, empathise with sneering insincerity about his team’s good fortune from scurrilous officiating.

Good grief. Where do we go from here? Well, I know where I went – right to the cinema to see ‘Dune Part 2’ to escape the torment. And finally caught a 10/10 performance; In an outrageously great cinematic experience about a would-be saviour who overthrows an evil and corrupt empire. And don’t we just need our own Paul Atreides? Right. Flaming.

Who will deliver us from evil?


Go Away Now


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About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email


  1. RPM Celticfan on

    We lost ONE goal from open play , playing with ten against the third best team at their home ground with a bias referee and yet you think the players were shite ? I think your rating are shite , should we have won 6 nil if it had stayed 11v11 then ? , We knew it was going to be a tough fixture and a win any win, would have been a great result , some people seem to just to revel in negativity , Hail hail .

  2. As a Jambo, I’ve nothing against your team – some of my best friends are Celtic supporters. So I hope you’ll see this comment as reasonable.
    Yes, there were questionable decisions. Neither penalty was justified. However you missed yours and we scored ours. And as for the red card – maybe it was a questionable decision, but your Manager, in very similar circumstances against vat Mirren not long ago, was absolutely convinced that a correct decision had been given.
    Accept it, you lost to a better team onthe day. Nothing to do with refereee bias.