Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Buy a Lederhosen

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS – CELTIC v BUY A LEDERHOSEN…

“Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. Like thinking you’re in a game while getting horsed 4-0…” – John Lennon

ROXIE – 7/10 – What more could a gal do? Life is a cabaret at Celtic Park on nights like these, and the big stopper pulled off some fine saves yet still conceded 4. She’s better on the ball, too, than most of the back four and for some reason there’s a sense of relief when the ball’s shuttled to our keeper from the backline; the wrong reaction,
surely?

TONY THE TIGER – 7.5/10 MOTM – Solid Tony, the girls call him, and there’s no denying our unfancied right-back was a rock last night. Stuck a couple of sobering reminders on useful former Hitler Youth wide-boy, and was often seen playing central defence as his confidence levels in our centre-back pairing reached mine. Mr.100% gave us everything on a night when you need your water-carriers at it like demons to establish any sort of base from which to launch for glory; He was, shame about others.

FIELD MARSHALL – 5.5/10 – The kid seemed a little overawed by the sheer furore of it all and couldn’t quite get himself in amongst the telling action. Caught in no-man’s land too often as their pacy counters had him freewheeling, ball-watching and indecisive. He stuck at it, though, and will have gained a ton of experience.

GET CARTER – 6/10 – Well, if there’s one way to defeat a giant it’s to bamboozle him with fleet-footed, deadly attackers. Our monster in the middle was kept on his boulder-hewn toes, but like The Thing from The Fantastic Four, he was too cumbersome to bring more than physical fortitude. Also had a Human Torch beside him
capable of alarming self-immolation at any moment, just for coincidences…

STAR LORD – 5.5/10 – Hmm, he wears the condemned face of a man staring at a hungry grizzly on a lonely mountain trail. Yet he did display the mettle to face up to his fears tonight, then kind of blubbed his way through the match after going to sleep for ten minutes and finding us two-down. Had been rocky but reliable until he tributed Efe Ambrose v Juventus by letting a long ball drop over him into the striker’s path. Big Roxie bailed him out there with a fine stop, but from the resultant corner passage of play we went behind. And his dreamlike observation of their movement for the second reminded me of the peyote desert scenes from The Doors movie. Still, for all the chin-to-chest moments, there were positives about his game, more than previously. Ironically…

CALMAC – 7/10 – A fine return to the fold and form from the skipper. Han Solo-ed it against a frighteningly fluid opposition mid. Some terrific movement, vision and precision passing to keep possession and us ticking over. Great player. Help him!

EDDIE TURNBULL – 0/10 – Stupid. Dozy. Idiot..

ROGIC – 6.5/10 – The guile of our two-man midfield. Started and almost finished the move of the match for us. Needs to take over the dangerous free-kicks. Found his level well against quality, some enlivening and exciting walkabouts (see what i did there, Jenny Aguter?) between their lines but just failed to find the killer deftness
he’s capable of. Still, I was surprised how well he showed up given the pace of the game and the non-stop motion of Leverkusen.

ABADASS – 5.5/10 – On the verge of sand-dancing his way into glory. Never quite made it; his final balls were hit-and-miss, his miss was a shocker – should have hit the target with a rebound and pulled us within one, making the rest of the second-half a very different proposition for them. But, them’s the breaks… And he’s still got a lot more to give The Hoops. Not bad overall.

MR.KOBAYASHI – 6/10 – Oh, how we missed his movement and pace. And, oh how he missed two glorious chances; foiled by the goalie and by his own uncharacteristic fluster – blew up like Hiroshima with the
goal gaping. His night was summed up just before he was subbed as the ball refused to break for him yet again and he unleashed a furious roar at the war gods in the heavens. Aberdeen might have problems on Sunday. Fiver on a Kyogo hat-trick for me…

NOTEBOOK – 7/10 – Baby, I’m *almost* Your Man, accompanied his every thrilling dribble; Well, it did in my heid, and he proved a handful for returning wee dick, PingPong, to contain. We may have won a prize with this Benfica kid eager to prove himself. Damned unlucky not to score or make one  last night, against classy opposition.

SUBS:

THE YETI – N/A – On to sighs, the equivalent of a human towel being thrown in. Chose to help their bewitched keeper with his arse as we chased a late consolation. Says it all, really.

McCARTHYISM – N/A – Another space-filler as we looked to Sunday. Carefully avoided injury for fifteen minutes.

BITTON – N/A – Padded around with pseudo-menace for a while. Comically passed the ball out of the pitch from a dangerous situation.

SON OF JACKIE – N/A – ‘Stars’ of Celtic late 80s are often forgotten. Not so, the swashbuckling Polish swordsman of that era. A mhan so potent that legend has it that one night in Sticky Vicky’s nightclub EVERY female in the premises – bartender to toilet attendant, executive to skanky Sengas – had at some point known the Dziekanowski talent with bow and arrow. He was an archer too, you see, never missed a target… Look it up if your deisbelief is failing suspension.

So some decades after Poland played a friendly in Greece, there comes a son following in the legendary footsteps of his beloved father. Well, the guy he spoke to awkwardly to in stinted Polak-Greco on the long-distance phone call once a month. But his former club-dancer Mum showed him plenty of videos..

Does the fruit fall far from the tree? Well, the young phonetically-named Jackie Junior will have the testimony
of many of Glasgow’s nubile debutantes, no doubt, but our concern is more bulging nets than wombs. Does he
indeed have the dual-potency of Dad? We will see. Over to you, burds and balls…

ANITA DOBSON – 6/10 – Well, Ange got a taste of Angeball  last night. Not from his own team, though. “That’s it, that’s the way to do it! See? See?!” he yelled, waving a pointy finger as he ran up and down the line after Leverkusen breakaways. But nobody in the Hoops was listening. Everyone was knackered chasing the ball and the flaming greyhounds in tasteless blue.

But if Ange’s feeling a little cursed, who could blame him? He set up for full-on Angeball (As we feared…) against a German special corps and asked his players to be brave. It almost worked, if we could find the net past a goaltender designed by some sort of SpaceX super-android program. Yet the performance we gave him, particularly in our ascendancy periods, was exactly what he’s preached. And you watching, yes, YOU, moaning like a bam as we fell time and again like a fat kid in a mad dodgeball game in the school gym, must acknowledge you were on yer feet at least as many times as yer head was in yer hands.

So where do we go with Ange now? Replicating this performance and rampaging through Scottish sides, that’s where. For anyone of a higher level, one very pacy defender is required…

OVERALL – 6/10 –

Damn, basketball’s a bitch. Especially when you miss the easy baskets or get blocked by some miracle interception and the opposition race up the court and dunk every flaming one they go for. And even get one thrown in for them…There’s always one. Yes, you at the back of the class. There’s alway one spoils it for the rest… And all the kids used to glare round at me, and I felt… Well, like Turnbull.

Quite incredible. Bundesliga uber-furhers come to town and everyone’s psyched for taking them on and the crowd’s frenzied and thunderous and the team’s going toe-to-toe and thrilling with some uninhibited attacking intent and… The village idiot thinks he can mug-out a stormtrooper like he was a girl guide. And falls
over. Put it down to senility on Eddie Turnbull’s part. Surprised not to see Ange murmuring to himself on the side as he loaded a couple of shells into a shotgun.

And with the calamity came the downfall. Yet this was at times the fearless Celtic we wanted back from the recent debacles. However, we were playing a side far more accomplished and dynamic, a year or two ahead of us in progress; something we can aspire to because it’s a level we can afford to get within reach of. Pumped 0-4 but it felt like I’d witnessed a real ding-dong encounter where we’d given a good account of ourselves.

What a strange night.

Anyway, fun’s over…. Onto Sheepland and must-win mundanity.

Go Away Now

Sandman

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