Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Crocodile Dundee


“As our cinema chains re-open everywhere, don’t miss the new Pixar dark comedy about a ‘family’ of mutants whose superpowers of goat-pumping influence desert them at a crucial moment as they are mugged by Arabs. From Saturday 7 August in our showcase cinemas everywhere – ‘The Vincibles’.”

– Odeon advert.

ROXIE HART – 6/10 – The experience she waited in a jail cell for – Paradise found, and how she skipped into the goalmouth with a dazzling grin for her new fans. Not sure about the frock, but the girl knows how to command a stage. If only there had been a real save to make to enter with a flourish. Must have enjoyed watching on with the other 25K.

Dundee s Jason Cummings left and Celtic’s Greg Taylor battle for the ball. Photo: Jane Barlow

GREGGS THE BAKER – 5/10 – Like an overcooked steakbake, the one who makes everyone curse, spit and scowl. Competent but struggling even under little pressure – may be a confidence thing; not making any telling difference and every involvement right now appears troublesome. Hmm, and it’s supposedly new right-backs we’re tracking…

Anthony Ralston celebrates scoring Celtic’s fifth goal. Photo Jane Barlow

TONY THE TIGER – 7.5/10 – Got lost in north Bohemia Thursday afternoon, and lucky he wan’t hunted; Lucky it wasn’t Feegie, that is – Tiger stew’s still a delicacy there…But his reprieve from our Kangaroo-wrangling boss was heeded. This was a refined Tony The Tiger, not a foot wrong, showing surprising guile, and again pulling out a classic goal – something from Dutch World Cup archives this time. Took a red-card sore-one from ex-Celtic goalkeeper Gordon Marshall – now filling-in at left back for Crocodiles, inexplicably – and got back up to turn in a fine game. A worthy jersey today.

STARLORD – 6/10 – More comfortable, less involved. Got to grips with early Crocodile cheek and settled into an afternoon of good reading of play and careful passing. Got hit late on by alien sneak attack, phaser set to stun him after he’d dozed off on a through ball – happened on Thursday too, but this time he had just enough awareness to recover.

Celtic’s Kyogo Furuhashi centre with the match ball, after scoring a hat-trick, Photo: Jane Barlow

RAQUEL – 6/10 – Back in for the glamour. She reponded well to absence and didn’t shirk the opening physical tussles; plenty of Dundonians excited to get a grip of her. Shut down their forwards well, even contending with the late intimidating addition of slavering, over-inked, Cummings’ who ran on like a sleazy extra from a 70s John Holmes movie and contributed precisely the sum of his brain cells; nil.

CALMAC – 7/10 – Shuffled back into Ron Burgundy role due to resting of the Man Of Soro. Calmac makes that anchorman position look a breeze, holding off the Crocodile midfield overload and picking the passes through their lines for creatives ahead to explode on their backline. Easily dismissed the disturbing and harassing attentions of former Zombie Entity disgrace, Charlie Adams, who was rumoured to be wearing suspiciously skimpy underwear and appeared to be suffering some form of reverse-Benjamin Button condition.

EDDIE TURNBULL – 6.5/10 – The space and time he needs was afforded to him today. Those geriatric legs finally got working properly around the half hour mark and the zimmer was cast pitch-side for lovely Connie McLaughlin to lean on as she looked like she’d had a hard night. She would round at my place, etc, etc…We sleep on the floor, kids. Once Eddie T got his eye in there were sumptuous balls over and through to admire. We just need him to conjure such skills of his own accord in tight games and not lag like a Celtic TV stream while his teammates labour to get the game under control.

Celtic s Ryan Christie takes a shot of goal Photo: Jane Barlow

CORPUS CHRISTIE – 8.4/10 – Well, well, well. Not getting the MOTM from me because I can’t tell if the skiving Highlander is playing for a move or a new contract…But he was scintillating at times, bursting them open with dynamic turns of skill, almost unplayable when running amok. Put pen to paper, take more money than yer’re deserving of and give us another 34 performances like that to make up for last season’s disappearing tantrums, Corpus, and maybe we’ll be believers in the Cult of Christie again.

Tom Rogic right celebrates with his team mates after scoring Celtic’s third goal of the game. Photo Jane Barlow

OZ – 7/10 – Mayte, stroked it in like he was slooshing suncream across the bubble-ass of a Bondi Beach babe, and not hoofing about in monsoon Glasgow. Interesting role for Big Oz – foremost midfielder asked to support high press with Mr.Kobayashi. Runs him down after a customary hour, but do we get more out of his 60-minute contribution because of said role? Time will tell…

ABADASS – 7/10 – “I’m runnin’ at them, I’m runnin’ at them, I’m runnin’ at them, I’m runnin…” And so goes the only thought “runnin'” through his heid every time he gets the ball. And when it comes off, he’s got great impact – tremendous ball for our opener, incessant pain in the arse for their full-back. Another good one, kid.

Celtic v Dundee – Kyogo Furuhashi celebrates after scoring. Photo: Jane Barlow

Mr. KOBAYASHI – 8.5/10 MOTM – I know many of the white supremacist Rule Britannia degenerates peruse these ramblings, so a quick note for the one of you who can barely read to translate to the others in the Monkey House: The Divine Wind is coming for you, Blue Noses. You’ll be able to roll out all the racist stereotyping we expect on the 29th, but I’m thinking the last laugh will be the sinking of your HMS Farked Loyal by our screaming Kamikaze.
Here’s a player with the most exciting forward movement since the King Of Kings. His first goal is a carbon copy
(that’s an old paper-imprint reproduction analogy, digital kids…) of the King’s cross-defender sweep and if I could be bothered I’d find the goal clip to show you (v Aberdeen sometime, maybe?).

But I can’t, and some coke-wired fanatic on Twitter’s probably beaten me to it, anyway; so watch them side-by-side and salivate at the thought of what’s to come with this nascent superstar known to Griff as Japanese Eddy, and to one mindmedded pub admirer as resembling “a Japanese Naka…” I kid you not; that’s the company you keep in the pursuit of watching a Celtic revival. This new Eastern bhoy has excited the place, and the reception he got for MOTM stadium announcement was heartwarming. i.e we love him already. Even though he was sat there trembling as the typhoon rains hit, expecting Godzilla to loom over the North Curve with the storm any second.


Photo: Jane Barlow

FRENCH EDDY – 6/10 – “Ey, theese ees my ball, you leetle noo-ee-sance…”…Went the converstion as Eddy glowered down at Abadass nibbling his ankles for a shot at the penalty. It was never happening, and French Eddy signed off at Paradise (well, maybe…) with a strike as ice cool as Connie McLaughlin will be when she eventually meets me and I whisper in her ear about the experimental bake-off inspired ideas I have involving garnishing her, erm, ‘hot pie’… Apple, probably, for the youngsters reading: I’m going to make one for her.

JAMESY – N/A – This is no weather for getting the boaby oot! So Jamesy was disappointed on his return to Parkheid and remained quietly tucked for another, drier, day.

FIELD MARSHALL – N/A – A blooding in front of a reasonable crowd for the boy. Also, luckily, did not drown.

Celtic manager Angelos Postecoglou. Photo: Jane Barlow

ANITA DOBSON – 8/10 – Pleasantly surprised to find out he was up against Jakey Dundee and not Crocodile Dundee. Did well to conceal the big hunting knife he’d brought, just in case. Then put it to good use as his changed side cut them to ribbons. Job done quick-time. Billycan-warming implementation of his tactical requests mean he’ll have a list of players whom he can trust to deploy, and a shortlist of those he needs to strengthen his system. So far, so chin-strokingly good for the Big Aussie-Athenian…

Photo: Jane Barlow

OVERALL – 8/10 – So the questionably imperialist-sympathising mob from the ugly end of Tannadice Street roll into Paradise for the first time in a few years to lower the aesthetic and moral standards. The skies opened above many in Scotland yesterday, so too at Tannadice Stadium but no rain fell, just divine justice after a long, long period of surreal and inexplicable witchcraft. Won’t the humbled ‘Champions’ be looking forward to struggling in front a reprobate-full, growling Zombie Hoose in the weeks to come… Over to you, captain Chav. Prrrrressure….

Meanwhile, Celtic continue with the rebuild momentum. After a scrappy start the re-jigged side seemed to fall back into a set framework, a methodology they could default to and then feel their way into the game. The sort of thing good, intense, focussed coaching instills. Fancy that, Lennony, eh? Once we got going, that was that. A refreshing, persistent tempo dished out a sound thrashing. This used to happen all the time, I recall vaguely, back before the apocalypse and the pathetic surrender of the TEN.

Maybe out of the ruins of the old world, we’ll see the founding of a new. Carrying Celtic attacking traditions, but with replenished energy reserves and a hunger for the thrills of victory. Early days, but there’s a nice air of excitement growing, and soon the vast armies of the Freefolk will return in full force to add a thunder to the gathering storm.

Go Away Now


About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email

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