Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Dundeez Nutz


“And the be-ribbonned wicked little fairy princess, blonde hair flowing in the foul breeze of Mordor, did attempt to tease the pilgrims on their way to a third title, with effette dance and ineffectual sorcery. Then, as the bell tolled for they who rage, the pilgrims did invoke and unleash the viking Allfather upon the pesky sprite and he/she/it/wit was well and truly smited.”

– Excerpt from Chaucer’s, ‘Cantwell Tales’.

16th September 2023 Celtic Park, Glasgow, Scotland Scottish Premiership Football, Celtic versus Dundee Joe Hart of Celtic – Photo ActionPlus David Young

ROXIE – 7/10 – “Why didn’t we spend 10 million bucks on a World Cup goalie?” the Playstation FIFA virgin twatterati still greet all over X. Because Big Joe gets the job done. Miraculous and fearless point blank stop to prevent a catastrophic deficit, executed with a jaw stronger than Linda Lovelace’s.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – He’s a trier. Things ran 50-50 for Greggs today which is, coincidentally, also the sawdust-cat brains ratio of the sausage rolls. Kidding, it’s rats intestines. Now licensed to invert, he was there or thereabouts for most of our first-half attacking endeavour; produced a sparkling scooped dink to set up Daizen for our first SOT.

16th September 2023 Celtic Park, Scottish Premiership, Celtic versus Dundee Malachi Boateng of Dundee challenges for the ball with Alistair Johnston of Celtic Photo ActionPlus David Young

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6.5/10 – Quietly competent and reserved as the new bhoy at the back found his footing. Then, during that second-45 surge, the mad moose rampaged into their box time and time again and disbelievingly didn’t get on the scoresheet for the curse of the woodwork and the wrist of steel their keeper Carson employed in a Craig Gordon v Man City wonder save.

OF JUSTICE – 6/10 – The Ginger Giant Killer Of The Zombiedome gave us another performance to quell his critics. Composed and sharp at the back, lapses at a minimum. Displayed an interesting dimension to his game with some deftly cultivated balls over their backline that suggested a wand of a left peg. Hmm…interesting potential there.

THE NATIONALIST – 6/10 – “What’s this? A ball? What do I do with it and why have I to run forward with it?”
Bit of a conundrum for an EPL cover player who had more touches in the first half hour than in his entire Liverpool
career. Stepping out and creating, obviously not his primary talent but he did a decent job of the CCV role, safely completing most passes and got stuck in when required, as his sare-heid will testify.

Celtic v Dundee – cinch Premiership – Callum McGregor applauds the fans after the cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park on: Saturday September 16, 2023. Photo Andrew Milligan

CALMAC – 7/10 – What powers of recovery – sunburned in Cyprus to being molested by Harry MacGuire in the dreich Hampden rain, only to be back at it, smothered in the Paradise midfield this afternoon. A victim of laziness – not his – the skipper’s toil was rewarded as Reo appeared and his confinement loosened – to give him the opportunity to play the ball of the day onto Kyogo’s nut for the killer second. Now go rest. No, don’t! It’s Rotterdam Brothel Tuesday this week!

Celtic v Dundee – cinch Premiership – Matt O Riley is congratulated by Kyogo Furuhashi after scoring the third goal of the game during the cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park on Saturday September 16, 2023.Photo Andrew Milligan

THE BUILDER – 7/10 – That dig I harp on about that he’s added to his game – got him through the tumult until the hour and then his class came to the fore. Another surging support run, another goal for the silky kid who’s still in mourning for Nora Batty going by the half-mast socks.

David Turnbull of Celtic scores penalty. Celtic v Dundee, Cinch Scottish Premiership, 16 Sep 2023 Photo Robert Perry/Shutterstock

EDDIE TURNBULL – 5/10 – Just a pass – and he didn’t make many of them – for winning and converting the pen. And even then it was all about him falling over. The old bhoy’s slowing things down with his languid style and smitten Brendan’s got the blinkers on. We’ll be suffering, unless he gets put out of his when the big games come round.

YING – 6/10 –

It’s the Korean Paddy McCourt – same promise and same not-quite-fulfilling it just as you’re lifting off yer
seat. Great feet and gallusness – we may yet witness some special slaloms from the bhoy when he’s ‘bedded-in’
properly. Eh, see Jamesy about that …

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7.5/10 MOTM – The international break did Daizen a world of good. Today, he was intent on winning the game single handed for most of that first-half; great runs, that lethal pace and a surprising breathtaking, some might ponder – touch on show. Most un-Daizen like until he ballooned one second 45
and we cancelled the passport-check request to immigration control ; definitely our Daizen. But…Marvellous overall contribution to the win.

Celtic v Dundee – cinch Premiership – Kyogo Furuhashi  is congratulated by Matt O Riley after scoring his teams second goal during the cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park, Saturday September 16, 2023. Photo Andrew Milligan

KILLER MUSHROOM – 7/10 – I have only one good arm. And only one bonce. They are enough. Hai. Sayonara.
The best striker since Larsson makes a Larssonesque run onto a floated pass of such culture they temporarily closed the Musée d’Orsay in Paris until the move was complete. And completed it was with a guided header so subtle they got the re-animated corpse of Marcel Marceau to re-open it in honour of the balletic eloquence of the
wee mhan’s silent movement in behind their line.


LAGERTHA – 6/10 – Last week’s almost-fallen hero put in a solid, more focussed 45 as she invaded the pitch for
the knackered Nationalist. Some fine covering and delicious tackling on show.

16th September 2023 Celtic Park, Glasgow, Scotland Scottish Premiership Football, Celtic versus Dundee Reo Hatate of Celtic warms up as he returns to the squad. Photo  ActionPlus David Young

HAKUNA HATATE – 6.5/10 – Reo is the difference; fizz and furore when he appeared – suddenly they were spread and openings appeared more often than at a Louden Bar Lana Wolf meet and greet. Simply, play him ffs.

Celtic v Dundee – cinch Premiership – Celtic Park Celtic s Luis Palma left and Dundee s Owen Beck battle for the ball during the cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park, Saturday September 16, 2023. Photo Andrew Milligan

BRIAN DE – N/A – Just a cameo in today’s movie. Came on Dressed. To Kill as a late Body Double for Ying. But his
best work is yet to be seen. Though topping Scarface might be a Mission Impossible, but let’s hope he doesn’t Blow Out and become one of The Untouchables. I’m here all week.

Celtic v Dundee United – cinch Premiership – Celtic Park Celtic s Oh Hyeon-Gyu during the cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park. Saturday September 16, 2023. Photo Andrew Milligan

OH BHOY – N/A – Just a few minutes to get roughhouse and ready for the coming winter battles.

Celtic v Dundee  – Paulo Bernardo during the cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park on Saturday September 16, 2023.  Photo Andrew Milligan

SAINT BERNARDO – N/A – Throw on the big dug! Actually, throw on the Stars In Your Eyes Matty O’Reilly,
going by first impressions/impersonations…

Celtic v Dundee  – Celtic manager Brendan Rodgers on the pitch after the cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park, Saturday September 16, 2023. Photo Andrew Milligan

THE SHNAKE – 7/10 – “What did I take from the derby win? Many things; many beautiful things. We played wonderfully. Some beautiful football under pressure. Beautiful. So many wonderful moments. But of all those wonderful, beautiful moments, I think that watching the Zombies ravage each other in the stands at full-time was the best of all. Wonderful. Beautiful, too, in a way.”

So back to Paradise for more penance, and back to suspicious team selection as ageism virtue-signalling
had Eddie T yet again the chin-stroker in the starting lineup. But the ‘elite coach’ prevailed and so did we, and the
New Tims On The Block got some game-time. And on we go to the glamour of Tuesday that brought him slithering back and the jury piling onto that stressed-out fence. Let us see…

MIBBERY – 4/10 – Who’s this? A fresh MIB to abuse? And didn’t he make a good start – refusing obvious fouls along with his stand-side brethern. Ultimately foiled by VAR-de-har. Another Zombie bites the dust.

Celtic v Dundee  –  Celtic players celebrate on the pitch after the cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park on Saturday September 16, 2023. Photo Andrew Milligan

OVERALL – 7/10 – Grrrrriiiind…. The dirge of St.Johnstone returned to berate our sensibilities as we once more get used to the reduction in verve and intensity that’s enlivened the past two spectacular seasons. Time to get pragmatic, kiddos, and today pragmatism eventually chipped away Dundonian resistance to allow a period of good old Celtic flair to win the contest. Another 3 points, not that we were compelled to consider anything less. And not that I’d swap this regular competence for anything like the anguish of a scratched-out 0-0 with cannon fodder.

It was a day for getting the job done. For satisfying domestic needs and tuning players towards Tuesday’s
more glamorous mistress awaiting our best efforts in Holland. Which might be why Jamesy was rested…

So the top table grows while our daily grind blows – All the bhoys can do is keep at the churn, be the
meat-grinder. Come midweek we get to sit and enjoy the Kobe beef, or maybe it’ll be some Japanese Waygu
served up – one thing is sure, the bhoys will be relishing it as much as you or I.

Zombies, sit doon. Weans table for you.

Go Away Now


READ THIS…Exclusive Photos (Part 5) – Main Stand extension completed, Celtic legends train at Barrowfield

About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor David Faulds has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email

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