Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Fagan’s Weasels

CALMAC – 7.5/10 – Tick-tock. Not Tik-tok – the skip is of more sophisticated entertainment; like watching a Scorcese film, he’ll impress you with detail and thrill you with improvised drama. Relentless control and industry to rev-up the stuttering Celtic Difference Engine to a level that would eke out a victory before hibernating for Wednesday. Had a grip on 80% of proceedings to help ease in the new star…

THE TERMINATOR – 8/10 MOTM – Quite a Celtic introduction for the kid in the last fortnight’s two opponents; expressed in the medium of horror movies as watching a double-bill of Nosferatu, then The Lost Boys. So we get up-close with the Belgian wunderkind for 75 minutes and, in his own word for the Skelping Sunday, so far:
‘Amazing’.

You expect to get a player for 11 million, and a player he looks. Physically at home despite the warboys’ (see Mad Max: Fury Road) attempts to dismember him. Awareness, touch, even finishing – stroked that in v a class goalkeeper with nonchalance. Big things in big games are required and big things he may well produce if this is his default setting; a level above the barbarians is this young Conan (see what I did there, Schwarzenegger fans…).

HAKUNA HATATE – 6.5/10 – Reo flows like fine Saki – kind of takes you by surprise, gets a grip of you and dictates your movement. As The minis found about half an hour into the game; Reo found their weak spots and tortured them with surgical movement in and out the gaps, eventually tearing them open enough to provide match-winning space, before fading out of it. That pre and post half-time injection of proper Reo forced enough stress into their low block for the breakthrough. Expect more and higher quality as the glamour occasions present themselves.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6.5/10 – “Aye, Ah wis on the phone tae Tavpen fur advice an’ ‘nat, aboot the speedy Jap. Man, aw he did wis cry…” intoned Zombie wretch Nasalsmith.

Despite a busy travelling schedule, BR went with Sonic The Sushi from the start after a brief phone call on Wednesday delivered the only four words of English he speaks – ‘No Daizen, no party’. Ready to go from the Dubai runway, it’s always a relief to the handlers when they get to open the cage at ten to three on a Saturday and let him loose; The opening scene of Jurassic park pretty much captures that.

And lo, it came to pass, The Daizen Of The East destroyethed the craven Unnic acolytes of the land of ‘Eh?’ like an apocalyptic divine wind and cast their slender hopes asunder. Well, not quite – they did match him up with an actual defender who was gallus enough to go toe-to-toe and keep at it. Fair play, Daizen – looking a little tired – got a nice warmup for the CL. Now he must rest for the big match; which, to him, basically just means turning his home treadmill speed-setting down a notch – to ‘Roadrunner’…

KILLER MUSHROOM – 6/10 – And to think Man Citeh almost snatched him. Pep been bursting into the boardoom there all the last two weeks with footage of the wee mhan Skelping on his phone, thrusting it in the faces of a table of bemused Sheiks, yelling, ‘Flamin’ telt yeez! Flamin’ telt yeez!”.

And…

Nope. Slightly off-key, blew his big one-on-one chance; seemed frustrated by his own timing and movement. Usually slaughters Darwinism’s Deviants but they got off lightly. Just one of those days. Out his system before the Champions League, we hope.

TAKINTE – 7.5/10 – Another electric afternoon for the rejuvenated German sprite. Great pace and intuition all first-half that deserved better from his team-mates; a real spark in the cogs that fires up the attacking phases as much as releasing Daizen on the opposite wing. Like Reo, he faded beyond the hour; job done if we can
capitalise more on his creative fury.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Fagan’s Weasels continues on the next page…