SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC V FOLSOM COUNTY JAIL…
“No one knows exactly where they came from. Some scholars believe they originated from the nomad Xiongnu people who entered the historical record in 318 B.C. and terrorized China during the Qin Dynasty and during the later Han Dynasty. Others, Govan.” History.com
ROXIE – 7.5/10 – Must feel like she won a season ticket in a raffle. As expected, mostly a spectator, with the opportunity to rehearse a few new numbers with the ball boys. Then, big keeper makes the big save in the big moment – a match winning stop if ever you saw one; snuffed out the hope and saved the skins. Terrific. Phew.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – Takes plenty stick but gives plenty effort. Suited to games like these when his industry wears down the opposition and allows creatives ahead of him to flourish. However, his shoulder also wore down and left him abandoned like the last sausage roll in the tray.
GET CARTER – 8/10 MOTM – He’s a big lad, and he’s in shape; because it’s his job. So the quietly unassuming American-Cockerney hybrid took to the park built like the proverbial Ibrox; Brick shithouse. Keep up. Not used to volatile atmospheres after playing in the sterile EPL, he didn’t take too long to settle in and appear the defensive Uber-warrior I’d prayed for. Of course, tests to come will be much stiffer (That’s what she said…) but on first showing we may have finally attained the uncompromising beast of the backline we have sorely lacked since the days of Bobo and Dolph. Garnished his raw-meat-for-the-balcony debut and turned the match in our favour by brilliantly floating a chip over their keeper from 30 yards for the opener. Oh yes he did, you flaming liar…
STAR LORD – 5.5/10 – Feeling the weight of responsibility; Dom McKay resigned on Friday evening after seeing his name on the team sheet. Disturbing to see him hide a little today; urged forward by Captain Calmac at times, encouragement where I’d have preferred he got a roasting; or maybe he was just terrified of Get Carter? Thursday is shaping up to be an acid test for this as-yet unconvincing signing.
JURAN JURAN – 5.5/10 – Appears to offer consistent quality from a position he’s established himself in at Croatian national level; i.e a level above what we’re used to. Was impressive in his first-half forays but mysteriously lost it after the break. Poor touches and skinned on occasion. Probably fatigued.
CALMAC – 7/10 – Does he drink virgins’ blood for energy? And if so, where does he find any around Glasgow? Another day, another game for the perpetual-motion skipper. Bust a lung chasing around to inject some urgency,
deservedly relieved of duty early when job was done.
EDDIE TURNBULL – 6/10 – Eased himself into the game; as ever. His teeth-grinding lack of intensity can bring false sense of irritation, because he’s capable of turning a match with a single pass. We’ve yet to see that applied with the sort of consistency required of a Celtic midfielder; not just the task of adding exciting flair in big games, but the technical chore of breaking down stubborn canon-fodder. Percentages remain too much on the error side, but his story this afternoon encapsulated the team entire – ‘eventually’.
ROGIC – 5/10 – Languid and loping; he’s the Aussie Alliteration Allfather. Sadly, today, also the Frustrating Forsters XXXX. Looked likely at times, but the big boots weren’t light enough. Piss-poor performance…
ABADASS – 7/10 – Dancing lightning when he’s buzzing like this; lifts the pace and the crowd and must be a nightmare to contain. Might have scored, should have scored, but contributed massively to the winning of a game that in recent times may have remained frustratingly beyond us.
NOTEBOOK – 7/10 – Looks like the lovechild of George Michael and Andrew Ridgely – living proof that two men can produce a handsome, talented offspring by… backdoor sorcery or something; don’t dispute that or you’ll get cancelled by identity politics nutjobs; Listen Without Prejudice, ya bams…Anyway, expected the Portuguese progeny to debut quietly off the bench, but no – Angeball demands you get in and get with it from the start. And he was a lively counterpoint to Abadass, offering sparks of ingenuity from the left and not afraid to go at it. Another who might have scored, and faded a bit later on. But overall this was a pretty encouraging start.
THE YETI – 7.5/10 – Has taken it upon himself to make Notebook feel at home by impersonating George Michael; that beard trim is a Club Tropicana special, if you know what I mean…Might have taken it too far by purchasing a second-hand camper van with a mattress in the back, but that’s just malicious rumour. Today we bemoaned the lack of movement in comparison with the wounded Mr.Kobayashi, but The Yeti – this leaner, meaner, 80s prancing popstar Yeti – has added a little edge to his game. First headed goal – he launched himself at that, finding the burst of energy and agility to meet the cross at its peak; and his second was an encouraging bit of poaching. Happy 2021 Yeti may prove a better Yeti than grumpy 2020 Yeti. You gotta have faith. Faith, faith…
MCCARTHYISM – 6/10 – Nice impact and bad luck not to score; did everything right with his drift and nod off the bar for Yeti’s second.
MAN OF – N/A – Getting used to this Calmac backup? Might be finding himself in tandem again if the starters perform like they did today.
FIELD MARSHALL – 6/10 – The kid’s definitely ready for a good run in the first eleven, and no qualms here if he replaces the injured baker for a while; keen involvement is his trick.
ANITA DOBSON – 6.5/10 – Well, ya gotta hand it to Ange for not being afraid to make changes. An interesting line-up, probably too interesting as they appeared not to recognise each other for much of the first 45. Debutants did not let him down and he’ll feel both relieved and justified that they played a big part in getting his revolution restarted after the unexpected dip at the Death Star.
The Big Aussie Athenian…can roll with the punches, not lingering on the misfortune of Japanese war injuries as he threw in two of his four new signings. He didn’t quite get the vibrant Angeball he demands but as far as results go, it was plenty satisfying. Cobber. Or whatever it is in Australian…
OVERALL – 6.5/10 – Well, the crowd survived flashbacks to last season as the team toiled in a Lennony-esque way to gel and find some dynamism. On we go to Thursday’s glamour as our domestic attempt to restore normal service gets back on the road. Despite the bumps and last month’s diabolical end, this still feels like a season with promise and excitement; like Eva Green delivering your Domino’s and whispering that she’s feeling hungry and lonely.
Many good things may yet happen.
Folk thee Diaz brothers!
Go Away Now
🎥 𝗨𝗡𝗜𝗤𝗨𝗘 𝗔𝗡𝗚𝗟𝗘 🎥
— Celtic TV (@CelticTV) September 12, 2021