SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v INTANGIBLES…

“Cheating is a choice, not a mistake. Or even an honest one.”

– Referees’ Handbook. aka ‘Book of the Dead of the Priest of
Horus, Imhotep (Imuthes) ca. 332–200 B.C’

ROXIE – 6.5/10 – What’s a girl to do? Not a save to make, yet two conceded. No chance with either, flaked out by the Ghost Of Barca swooping across him for the late equaliser. In between disbelief and delight he was his usual motivational self.

DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA – 6/10 – Welcome to Scotland. Bet you didn’t realise that butthurt empire sympathisers are generational here – any handball by an Argentine is severely punished, whether he was even looking in its direction or aware or had it smashed against his bicep at point blank range behind him from a skelly heider. Addendum: Argentinian footballers will also be carded for aforementioned mythical armball regardless of rules. Wee fella did well to shake the absurdity and applied himself, but he was a marked man and hooked rightly to give the MIB blue baws.

GET CARTER – 6/10 – Smashed his way through a tofu-munching hipster louche to announce his return to fitness. Few lapses as he got a decent test, yet proper ragin’ at their second when every defenders’ nightmare played out – plenty time to read the danger as their winger cut inside, but inability to snuff it. Frustrating.

BIG MERCEDES – 5.5/10 – Fell into casual lapses as the game wore on; understandably lost the midweek edge as opposition quality dipped dramatically but when you do that, shifting back up through the mental gears is a struggle. The warnig signs were there when he tried to trap a high ball into our half, be clever turning inside, and lost it. After that, United’s lively front line had his number and he was towing a caravan until the final whistle.

TONY THE TIGER – 6/10 – A surprising fade from the Ralstonado too; tough shift first-half – United got joy with nifty play down his flank. As we got deep into the match, Tony’s power came to the fore but his touch was heavy and final ball didn’t have the usual potency. Just one of those days but he battered through it, as ever.

EDDIE TURNBULL – 6/10 – He’s nearly convincing, then he’s not. Ambled his ancient (deceased) frame around the greenery looking like a sanguine topiarist. But the finishing cut was absent. Might have scored but for misfortune and the trademark check and turn became a burden to Angeball rather than a useful tool to unlock their packed defence. Expected more from him on a day made for can-opening cultivators.

THE BUILDER – 7/10 – Bit of a phenomenon now, just how this young viking legend came out of nowhere and slotted into the captain’s role when asked. You probably read this and think, ‘Well, of course – we’re used to seeing him there now.’ And that’s the point – though Calmac’s absence has been a gut-punch, Matty’s understudy role has been a triumph; Olivier stepping in for Gielgud. The kid has held the show together in the most extreme environments; didn’t crumble in the CL – indeed, nominated as a stand-out v RM by the UEFA observer – and in the bread and butter scraps he’s in there with the knuckle-dusters on, refusing to give an inch.

Another who may have deserved a rest after taking on Tony ‘Kamp Kommandant’ Kroos and the Magical Croatian Elf, but youthful exuberance saw him in the thick of it today, forcing the press, maintaining the pressure, striving to get the win. Some Bhoy.

HAKUNA HATATE -6.5/10 – “I’ll run about the Bernabeu, then I’ll run about the Brendanbeu” – like that, Zombie lurkers? Dry yer eyes…Wee Reo doesn’t stop either – digging and pinging and if not for CL fatigue may have been the matchwinner. Certainly in all the right, and tight, spots but final decisions appeared lagged by those heady intense nights and he just was not quite exact at the right times.

HACK SACK – 7.5/10 MOTM – “I’m not 100% fit, honest.”…”He’s not 100% fit, honest…” – Ange…Well, he’s gonna be a treat when he’s firing on all cylinders. Days like these, games like these, you always – always – need someone who’ll step out of the malaise and find the way to goal. Expected matchwinners toiled somewhat, and up Hacky stepped, drifting in with natural guile, found the spaces, found the goals. Priceless. Now go get fit…

SON OF JACKIE – 6/10 – Eyes rolling as the ball just wouldn’t. Typical that the mhan most likely became the mhan most frustrated. Denied by some decent keeping and some snatched impatience, survived a disembowling attempt by a banjo-strumming hillbilly with a bowl-cut by Blackadder Barbers, and always looked likely. But his time ran out without a strike, and struck-out he was.

NOTEBOOK – 6.5/10 – The comeback tour reached Glasgow from its show-stopping Madrid finale, and after a great first-half when he might have opened the scoring, the stage was set for the Young Gun to go seal the day. But it looked like his legs were hampering his ambitions after such a lay-off and he shaded out of the picture around the hour mark. But a useful run-out.

SUBS –

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – Birthday bhoy on to make it 3 goals in 3 league games. Went one better and saved the jerseys with a fantastic goal-line clearance. Gave us another 45 minutes of inverted nipple ingenuity as he recovered from his Madrid hangover and became instrumental in our attacking surges.

KILLER MUSHROOM – 6.5/10 – With the real Mr.Kobayashi on his way to dish out the Soze discipline in January, about time Kyogo got a new nomenclature for the sake of his health. Today, swapsies with Jackie again as we sought a consistent finisher. And wouldn’t you know it, as one dips the other flips – flipped the lid off the can with a glorious snapped header off the K-Pop barnet and the gleeful frenzy began.

ABADASS – 6.5/10 – Super Scooper! I feel a song coming on…What an entrance/finish and celebration.
Nothing the kid loves more than nailing United in injury time and doubling the joy in the stands.

LORD KATSUMOTO – N/A – “I did not touch it. If you dishonour me by declaring I touched it with your preposterous VAR and therefore deduct a goal, I will come to your minka tonight with my many-folded samurai blade and disembowel you, only after taking the heads of all your family, two-generations deep, while you watch.”

So they didn’t.

JAMESY – 6/10 – “Just canny believe ah didny score…”

Connie McLaughlin – ‘Well, you were so unlucky James; great move and header but it just spun off the joint of post and bar.”

(leans into mic) “Ah wisnae talkin’ about that… Last night, ah mean…”

Connie McLaughlin – ‘Oh…’

(pauses. sniffs. raises brows) “Fancy it?”

ANITA DOBSON – 7.5/10 – Good grief, they bemoan, he was right all those months ago. They really don’t stop, do they? Laggard Bears and Zombie hacks everywhere now gritting their teeth and still insisting upon ‘jammyness’ are, like their institution, an anachronism. As the mantra goes, Ange instills the belief and the players, they keep the faith.

This was a victory for everything Angeball stands for, and everything his detractors don’t. Unto the death we go, in pursuit of glory, Angeball to the max, snatching points from pointlessness, and points make prizes. And prizes make legends. And the big mhan’s well on the way.

MIBBERY – 7.5/10 – We know what you are. We also know how goat-sick you are now. And we love it.Sleekit beyond measure, the scurrilous MIBs took the Madrid debacle and applied it today soon as the chance presented itself. By the time you read this you’ll already have had your eyes and ears saturated by SMSM obfuscation and the ludicrous suggestions that their penalty decision was justified… Gaslighting Fc.

Stop laughing at the back. Only goats will be happy tonight as the Hoops spared their ravishings with a real Bear-spewer of a climax. We beat them again – everything they could throw at us: Bargain Stunt the ref and Little Nicky on Wannavision. Yes, we know what you are – filthy servile cheating zombies. But you’ll never take the Celtic. Enjoy yer weekend…

OVERALL – 7.5/10 – What sights we have to show you…Grandstanding once more, these CL Hoopsters returned with a clang to domesticity; just win us three before we watch Messi, we hoped…And it all looked as good as usual until the baw-tap madness of  Zombie shicanery took a red hand.

The mental jolt looked to have been overcome as we regained composure and the lead, but the signs were there all second-half as we lacked a Cullen Bohannon to pull the trigger (watch that brilliance if you haven’t already). Credit United for some eye-opening interplay down the wings at times, not afraid to give it a go playing out from the back; worried me that our legs might not carry us through without conceding, and then it happened – a tired goal to lose and a real body-blow.

But… Aptly, we set off the fireworks at just the right time. Ecstasy rebooted, and another swashbuckling win for the relentless brigade of rebel-rousers who won’t switch-off until the lights are. Don’t get used to this – it’s a cherished joy watching this team click, and witnessing a masterplan in the making to take us beyond the boundaries of league, expectation, fiscal constraint… And of course, oppressive Zombie mentality.

GIRUY COYBIG.

Go Away Now

Sandman

READ THIS FROM DAVID POTTER…VAR referee Nick Walsh’s ludicrous penalty a sad moment for Scottish football