Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Jute Guisers

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v JUTE GUISERS…

“Darkness falls across the land
The midnight hour is close at hand
Zombies crawl in search of blood
To terrorise your neighbourhood
And whosoever shall be found
Without the Celtic soul for getting down
Must stand and face those Hounds of Hell
And rot inside their Zombie shells”

– Vincent Price, ‘Thriller’.

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6.5/10 – WTF? A shot! And a smart, stretchy save kept the tremors of upset at bay. That’s what he’s there for and that’s what we got – an experienced shot-stopper, sharp as one of Brendan’s suits, adding the Gucci belt with a vital right hand, far too early for comfort. Thankfully, being awake first meant he could kick some sleepy backsides in front of him and avoid further trauma all night.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 5.5/10 – Welcome back, but work it out; not just the contract – also the lag after his match fitness has slipped. Pretty untidy as the mind and legs seemed out of synch. However, you are guaranteed 100% endeavour with Greggs, to match the flavour of the sausage rolls; he’ll be thankful for the game time and the chance to re-engage with the system.

GET CARTER – 6/10 – Careful, now… The Father Ted warning well heeded as the Big Strong Mhan eased his way through an hour of what was probably more involvement than he’d expected – Ginger Haloween icon up front for them was a nuisance on every long ball, but good practice.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6.5/10 – We’re seeing that complimentary attribute more now – his athleticism; none more so than in the 79th minute with a fine recovery block. He’s making it a difficult job to pick two from three. Maintaining performances at this level will mean Brendan Rodgers  soon has to bring in Jamesy for such advice.

TONY THE TIGER – 5.5/10 – Beside Trusty, meet Rusty. Tony as ever the tiger, solid and uncompromising. But that aside, his stand-out Celtic contribution has always been killer deliveries. Not so tonight; haywire. Claws unusually blunted in and around their box.

SAINT BERNARDO – 6/10 – A reliable, Calmacian outing for the Portuguese Skelper. Nothing fancy, nothing outlandish required; simply mop up, break up, build up. He did everything asked with competence and assurity.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 6/10 – “Look, it’s Luke!” Cried the opposition’s more daffy participants as their former captain lined up against them. Difficult game against yer old pals? If it was, Young Jobson kept his emotions under lock and key, played the consummate pro and let his boots talk. A sound game, more influential in the first half than second, when he took a back seat to…

THE TERMINATOR – 7/10 MOTM – This was interesting. A scowl at Yang for missing a long ball mid-opening period; petulance? arrogance? rueful? Lightning deliveries (stupid tactical low front post corners bugging me now; not his fault, I know), optimistic long strikes, swivelling, fluid passing; felt like he was building up to something. Then, curiously, as the subs were made, he dropped into a deeper-lying position and, well, took over the game. That was the bit that aroused my pique, as they say in all the best establishments – Arne cruised around in the Calmac position dictating the play with purposeful class. Also swept in the pen like a boss, but the swaggering side to his demeanour was what I liked; the kid knows he’s got quality, some Bundesliga conceit rubbed off on him. So, not just a sometimes ethereal attacking-mid presence. He’s got the baws to face them up with the ball at his feet and call the shots. A very good thing for us to have such a young Kaiser in the making.

YING – 6/10 – Busy busy bee, but not makee honee. Industrious and keen; I wanted him to succeeed and in a way he did, if not too spectacularly – managing to assist the opening goal with his last contribution.

KILLER MUSHROOM – 5.5/10 – FHS! I love the wee guy, but put one in the flaming net! Fair enough, a fine take and good leg by the keeper on his first chance. A great save by same acrobatic net-minder on the third scuff. But in-between we had the surreal Japanese comic sketch of Kyogo channelling Diana Ross at the USA 1994 World Cup opening ceremony. Incredible how he didn’t notch one, but did win the penalty through sheer tricky persistence.

BRIAN DE – 6/10 – Well, blow me, as a certain top-performer of a winger is fond of saying to exasperated glass collectors; not this one, however – his blowing was hot and cold; frustrating then uplifting. Among the bewildering variety of his performance, one moment does make me inclined to say we should persevere with him – played the sumptuous pass of the night with the outside of his boot that deserved, and was close to, a wonderful goal. Just that second of pure guile can be a match-winning rarity, and worth more overall tolerance.

SUBS –

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6.5/10 – “Looooose The Moose!” yelled JFK (John Flamin’ Kennedy) to the louring night sky on the hour, and ten minutes later we were home and hosed. Impact sub when you need a goalscorer? Call AJ. Kyogo, take note; First touch in-off the moose-knuckle. Steady, Jamesy. Then he was throwing himself on a grenade in his own box to save the jerseys; nearly broke an antler. An eventful cameo indeed.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 5.5/10 – Daizen run. Daizen run fast. Daizen on left wing, pop up right back. Daizen terrorise. Daizen victimised. Daizen miss sitter. Just Daizen Daizening.

OF JUSTICE – N/A – Smiles of justice, more like. A happy few minutes workout before the weekend.

HAKUNA HATATE – N/A – Mainly intrduced to give them something to think about directly in front of their backline and absorb focus.

JAMESY – 5.5/10 – On to bluster down the right-wing corridor with AJ in tandem, enhancing our attack. Didn’t work out exactly, as AJ took over the goalscoring and dropped back to consolidate our lead. So Jamesy was on his own, mostly, just stretching them and probing. Yes, straight out of his ‘other’ playbook…Should be an eventful night in Prestwick tomorrow as the wildlife wardens get called out amid claims of an escaped zoo animal terrorising guisers. But we’ll all know what that’s about won’t we? – Jamesy’s going trick or treating; “D’ye want tae see ma elephant impersonation?”…

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7/10 – Ooft, if Sunday was a little gallus, tonight was baws on the road showboatery – no Calmac again, no Kuhn either; neither on bench, and second-choice wingers and fullback given the starts. So you’d better win, eh? And he did again, even if not in the most dazzling style; the second 45 proving the system is solid and its erosive qualities will wear down the most stubborn defensive block regardless of who’s grinding it out. So, two matches with reshuffling a priority, two clean sheets, six points, and major players rested. Just in time for a big cup semi and CL megamatch. He’ll be well satisfied.

MIBBERY – 4/10 – Oh, look, it’s Halloween and isn’t it nice of the new MIB, Hardonne, to turn up in costume; dressed as James Hunt. Underhand sleekitness permeated the game; baffling fouls and set pieces awarded against us when the polar opposite was in plain sight. A lip-biting reluctance to issue more than a yellow to certain players hell-bent on battering around recklessly into anything in Hoops. I’ll presume by his generally sour weasel-face that he had a live update from Pittodrie pinging into his throbbing ear. Har de har.

OVERALL – 6.5/10 – Well it wasn’t pretty, in fitting with this particular holiday week. But it also wasn’t too scary; maybe like when your gran dresses up as Pennywise the clown. We excpected a formality here, and the general hope was that the Zombies would go up North ‘Duking’ for apples (see what I did there, afficionados of portly but speedy Sheep wingers and Scottish halloween traditions?) , but end up bitter oranges. And it actually happened, facilitating that cheesy gag; lol at the sorrowful Bears.

Bottom-line required was a Sopranos night – three points and forget about it. Exactly how it turned out and, though nothing glorious, there was a nice vibe of competence and bristling excellence underpinning the way the players went about their business; finding a way to succeed despite the re-jigging of team selection.

They got the balance right in the end, backup bhoys got to feel included in the overall effort, and we got a measure of the synchronised strength of the squad; quite formidable for our league. And now the fun really starts. Let’s get shearing, and spiking energy drinks…

Go Away Now

Sandman

Celtic in the Thirties (Volumes One and Two) are both published next Tuesday 5th November. Order your signed copies now and treasure these landmark Celtic titles brilliantly researched and written by Matt Corr. Order at Celticstarbooks.com…