Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Killiebillies

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v KILLIEBILLIES…

“Death is the solution to all problems. No man – no problem.” – Joseph ‘Pistol Pete ALLEGEDLY’ Stalin on summer signing policy.

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6.5/10 – Dad’s in the stand, make it a good one! Well, he may have expected more after a couple of early Killie breaches that found well-positioned safe hands. No further U.S heroics required, and his main part to play was as a capable extra pair of outfield boots rather than gloves.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – Quietly confident, cementing his inverted role – again, by his own forced design in the turmoil of the BR changeover – and grew into the game along with Calmac as the dazzle tired and the sensible heads stepped in to rebuff Killie hopes.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6.5/10 – Hardly back in the door from a whirlwind summer that started with a US soccer coaching camp where he taught a wee South American guy called Lionel how to play the game Celtic-style, which resulted in such fan adulation that he ended up getting engaged to one of the NFL’s all-time great quarterbacks, Peyton Manning. Well, that’s what it says in my notes and we’re an all-inclusive club, so…Congrats.

You’d think he’d need an extended rest, what with being newly-engaged but not our AJ; he had more linking-up to do beyond the honeymoon with his new Celtic partner-in-crime up the wing ahead. And overall, it looks a dynamic right side with them in the mood.

OF JUSTICE – 8/10 – Nobody’s first choice, it seems; once again…But just like last season, as history rhymes, the Ginger Baresi surprises us all with a fine, confident opening match. Glorious guided header that looks better with every replay and may have had another, amid sharp interjections in the backline.

GET CARTER – 6.5/10 – An intense afternoon for the most part, wrestling with their big centre, Vaseline, like a dehydrated but horny Vin Diesel (Yes. Yes, I think he is…) Would have been a welcome and relished workout to get him in the physical groove.

CALMAC – 7/10 – Been a long July as Calmac realigned his brain from the Scotland involvement and learned to play forward once more. So placid today for the opening 45 but imposed himself onto the game second half to ensure no lapses. Captain Competent.

THE BUILDER – 7.5/10 – Damn, he’s still here and still handsome and still full of the most guileful football. Which will make his departure more depressing…But while he’s playing out his Celtic swansong, let’s relish the bhoy’s fantastic talent and know he’s always ours, wherever he ends up. Today another annoyingly splendid shop window performance. Fingers crossed Pistol Pete’s aching frugality can persuade him to stay through the CL with the promise of a January exit while we’re hungover, so we don’t have to buy anybody until then…

HAKUNA HATATE – 7.5/10 – His name is Reo and he dances on the sand… And he ain’t no sand-dancer. Let us pray he doesn’t default to the haven of the Celtic fallen down in riotous England’s hire and gives The Hoops the benefit of a season of fully-fit Reo like we saw today. Happy, scoring, free-running, heavily involved; approaching peak Reo again soon; Zombies, make your peace with your Satanic Majesty now…

TAKINTE – 8.5/10 MOTM – Took America by storm in a Trump-esque assassination attempt of Man Citeh, from which they escaped with a bloodied diamond-studded ear only after he departed at half-time otherwise it would have been six at least. He’s bigger, bolder and we expect some gallus adventures now that he has filled out the quality-school blazer that was too roomy for his January shoulders. And we saw today a burgeoning season’s star man get at them with delightfully quick feet and cultured distribution.

Add to that some surprisingly powerful running – a bum-lifter in the second-half, and we’ve a new one to watch for the big games ahead. Capped his exhilarating display with a deserved goal.

JAMESY – 7/10 – Dracula gets rejuvenated by the blood of virgins. Jamesy gets rejuvenated by….Anyway, the not-hero of Scotland’s not-triumphant Euros outing managed a relaxed wee pumping tour of Germany courtesy of the SFA, and the incredibly understanding Stevie Clarke who confessed to Jamesy he really didn’t want to go over the halfway line, never mind win a game, so the Prestwick Pele didn’t miss a thing.

And here he is, after swashbuckling through the EPL dross in the States, it was back to savaging the Ayrshire Zombies who hold much disdain for Jamesy because he hails from near the black hole that is Killie. Although their primordial hate is based simply on the fact that Jamesy can see ‘The Big Waater’ from his hoose. Well, they must have hated his darting forays down the wing, hustling, bustling and nutmegging, tormenting them with little peace until his deserved rest. Big part still to play at Celtic. And elsewhere… Missus…

KILLER MUSHROOM – 7/10 – New season, new heid. This year’s Japanese couture is a pair of Madchester 1990 curtains, through which the deadliest nip this side of an Asian Tiger mosquito bite will peer at goal after goal…We hope. No luck today with agonising clearances and agonising Mibbery denying the wee mhan justice. Apparently, Kyogo is the only player in world football who can score with his arm…But, good grief, he looks sharp.

SUBS –

TONY THE TIGER – 6/10 – Emerging as Scotland’s sole Euros success after claiming the ‘Assist Of The Tournament’ award and the lifelong friendship of rabid dwarf Shaquiri, Tony set about the new season with vigor, skelping in a rousing 4th for the karmic reward long overdue since Cologne.

YING – N/A – Bounced on, disappeared.

BRIAN DE – 5.5/10 – Has taken it upon himself to relentlessly mock the dear departed Tik-Tok Todd every time he scores. exhibit A; U.S tour. Thank Ghod he didn’t get one today as I couldn’t have suffered the dance again.

THE ALLFATHER – N/A – Phew, he’s still here too. And that’s one I wanted to see. Will he get more game-time to prove he’s a player or is he filler?

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7.5/10 – Picked the team we expected, sent them out, and…Well, there was dynamism over conservatism; a welcome blend of Rodgers detail and freedom of expression. Was this a gameplan for opening day thrills, or something bigger and better and more expansive than we got for the majority of last season? Time will tell. But fingers crossed…

MIBBERY – 4/10 – VAR lines drawn by David Blunkett’s dug, opinions as bewildering as that Olympic opening ceremony featuring Tod Cantwell. And who’da thunk it? And…Here we go again. Kyogo dunted in the six yard box by a keeper who’s missed the ball and taken the man…

‘Contact deemed not enough to warrant a penalty’. Who’da thunk it…

As Phil Lynott prophetically sung: ‘The Zombies Are Back In Town.’

OVERALL – 8/10 – What a summer it’s been. Despite the grim effects of Scottish (‘Nae) climate change, many did still indulge in creative fantasies of multiple dynamic new signings readying the squad for CL assault. Great to keep a sense of humour. What, did you expect the board to actually WORK through the close season? You mad fools.

They’re far too busy supping cocktails and mainlining laudanum on tropical beaches where they pay to watch endangered species fight to the death – ALLEGEDLY – (polar bears are Pistol Pete’s favourite death match – ALLEGEDY -; he loves the contrast of bloodied white fur against the shimmering cerulean coral sea, – ALLEGEDLY – making him reminisce about childhood snacks of floury morning rolls filled with Fox’s Glacier mints.)

It’s amusing me that I get to say things about the board – ALLEGEDLY – using the pretext ‘ALLEGEDLY’, all because James Forrest (not shagga, the writer…) called Pistol Pete a control freak – ALLEGEDLY – and sparked off a new and entertaining round of ‘look, the bar stewards are like Stalin’ exchanges. Allegedly.

I remember The Celtic Star posting a scribble of mine as an article, about – ALLEGEDLY – aforesaid politburo dictator, when I made the comparison to a giant futuristic hybrid space man-worm. I guess that might not surface ever again…

If it does – Pete, if you’re reading this, a big boy made me do it and ran away. Allegedly.

So…

The only spark of summer optimism to date came from the arrival of Kasper, backed up by Vinidaloo, covering the goalkeeping department present and future in one fell swoop. And of course the final capture of the Portuguese Skelping prospect. Yet the team – predictably familiar – provided verve and excitement, lovely movement, touches and link-up play to distract for 90 minutes of proper Celtic Flag Day entertainment. Never hit full throttle for any major sustained period of time but when we did we looked the business.

This may be later than many (whiners… lol) expected but I’m on an entertainment boat in the Med at the ad hoc invite of an Egyptian captain and crew of Al-Ahly supporting hoodlums (long story, nice lads, never mind…) who are explaining to me at lengths how their massive Cairo support all know and love Celtic due to the continued rebellious, defiant expression of support for Palestine which makes the news over there.

So.. just if there’s any doubts as to the esteem in which your club is held worldwide for its perceived stances, I’m getting it first-hand.

Currently as I write there’s a load of bevvied English tourists rocking around on an all-exclusive daytrip and I’m sitting quietly at the back on the laptop wearing this great Diego Maradona T-shirt, and there’s a few mumbles of discontent. Sweet.

Happy holidays, should make it for next week’s installment.

Until then…

Go Away Now

Sandman

PS We know that Sandman, who is on his holidays,  has forgotten about Hatate so we’ll update when Reo’s rating eventually arrives…UPDATE – Sandman has blamed too much sun on his holiday for the Reo omission but has now added his missing ratings, see above.