SANDMAN DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v LANARKSHIRE ZOMS
“I believe I can be fly,
I believe I can ban the beeb and sky.
I believe I can have big Haley’s pie,
I believe that JB is gay,
I’m going to shaft the Orcs and run away…”
D.King. “I Believe I Can Be Fly”
“No humanitarian aid will be allowed into Venezuela until the Zoms stop cheating!
That bearded layabout hippy louche Ricardo Branson Pickle can go feck himself.”
El Presidente de Venezuela.
“I’m fluffy, and polite. I’m also far too well groomed in a disturbingly cute manner –
like an animated Pixar character – to be totally straight and I also prove to be a lying
sleekit wee bam who advocates cheating and whines incoherently about barely
relevant circumstances as my players subvert the very spirit of the game itself just to
undermine the Tims.
By such logic, I didn’t out myself as a bitter little unprincipled b*****do –
I can’t help being the Barry ‘Uphill’ Gardiner of Scottish soccer; it’s all that
Brendan Rodgers’ fault for earning more than me…”
S.Robinson. Murderwell CHEAT-IN-CHIEF
BANE – 8/10
From Bats to Twats. Really had nothing to do except control the backline’s
movement and ping some passes around. Then comes the moment of controversy
that costs him his first domestic goal since one million years B.C.
KT – 7/10
Back with a bang-on. Solid and uncompromising and roving up and down the left flank.
We’ve missed his energy and leadership. At the centre of the game’s lasting incident
as the CHEATING BAMS broke down his territory to score. Nothing he could have
done – NO, armchair fannies, he didn’t ‘switch-off’ – he was CHEATED, by CHEATING
BAMS. Live with it, you apologetic pricks.
TOEJAM – 7/10
Started erratically and I’ve seen players falter and ultimately capitulate under
the pressure of attempting to recify a terrible game – Valencia – but he is a
solid, Bundesliga-trained pro and applied himself well, eventually superbly after
‘the incident’ when he looked as angry as anyone at the injustice. Repsect, but I
still think Mick Lustig’s getting a raw deal there. a lot to prove after Thursday
AJER – 8/10
Big guy, you’re a star, and a possible future captain. Could not find a Motherwell
CHEAT to front him up in an argument. Took a booking from Nancy Drew and still
managed to control his aggression enough to hold the midfield together when our
heads had gone.
Summer qualifiers centre-back partenership? – Kris and Jozo. No worries there.
BOYATA – 8/10
Well done the big bombscare, shyster, wantaway bassa. Whatever his future, he stuck
to it for the jersey today and – in the words of a Royal butler – was ‘fecking raging’ as
the CHEATING BAMS celebrated their CHEATING BAMS GOAL.
Carded for not smashing in the ugly visage of Motherwell CHEAT – it’s okay, he only
earns £200 per week; What. The. Feck!? – Scott.
OR the I-Wanna-Look-like-Conor-McGregor-But-I’m-A-Zom-And-My-Balls-Are-Made-Of-Glass
plastic hardman, Tait, to whom Dedryck had to square up to until aforesaid tragic fanny
wet himself and play could resume.
Well done, Dedryck. True to the Hoops’ cause despite the future. We expect another dozen
similar performances, then he can quit a worthy champion and triple rebel treble winner.
But still owe us £9 million…
BITTON – 7/10
Big Nir. Enigma. And often political point of contention among the irritating… But
consummate pro and guileful footballer. Today, it looked like the’lang stripe’ in the
hoops had added some steel to himself – by the way, anybody that saw him topless
after a euro game before his injury will realise – in a non-homo-erotic way, Stephen –
that there’s a physique under that famous jersey any marvel superhero would envy.
Except actually Captain Marvel because…Well, she’s a burd. Wi’ tits…
Regardless, Bitton looked quality and well-ready for combat, Mossasd style. A definite
keeper (not a goalie, eejits – one you’d certainly keep to play with. Like Captain Marvel…).
CHRISTIE – 7/10
Damn. Back on-form and timing good and excellent delivery – great quick whipped first-time
ball for Sincy’s opener. And then… Season over? Hamstring. Nasty. Crucially, our season-talisman
and midfield dynamo bites the dust with the run-in looming.
FORREST – 7/10
Thought Jamesy had dropped out of it, frustrated and overcrowded, but large he loomed (Ladies of
old Prestwick town…) when the chips were down and was in it to the death, setting up the fourth with
tremendous vison and quick feet when it looked lost. Good sign of the squad mentality as he got up
for the fight in the face of adversity.
FRENCH EDDY/FREDDIE MERCURY – 8.5/10
‘No’ worth the 9 mullion’ said big John in the pub before the game. Big John’s pished now, singing
the mercurial Frenchman’s praises. Of note today – Eddy isn’t afraid to mix it – took some bleachings,
gave it back. Ridiculous booking for attempting a second-ball header when taking on BOTH their
murderous centre-halves in the air during a bruising mid-half stramash. Onlty a servile Zom with a
whistle is booking the Celtic striker after that – alleged tim background or not, Clancy. Prick.
In the second half Eddy stiffs another centre-back – the Murderwell sub for the first one he bloodied.
Vengeance? Karma: a welcome surprise to witness that dimension to his game. Double jeopardy for
the thugs at centre-half who tried to muscle the hoops hitman.
Goals? Outstanding. Rapier finish with the movement and head for his first, unstoppable free-kick for the game-settling third. He’s still revving up to peak fitness, roll on the Zoms.
SINCY – 7/10
Presence – negligible at times. Impact? – sensational. Glorious movement and finish by Sonic to open the scoring and settle some nerves. Was crowded out along with KT as those pesky Lanarkshire Zoms shut down our left flank with half their team at times.
Still, Sincy’s got the bit between his thoroughbred teeth and looked mad for it late on, pure ragin’ to punish those CHEATING BAMS.
There will be more, on a PART DOS post near you…