“What did Dundee give to the world? Well, jute – whatever the hell that is, plus chronic drug addiction and mildly-amusing comics – if you think the the Sunday Post is cutting-edge political insight. And there was Grand Theft Auto, which is basically a gaming
documentary of life in Dundee, alien abduction, and famously three bridges; one of which fell
down and inspired both sh*te poetry and the Meatloaf song, ‘Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad’.”
‘Britain’s Most Historic Towns’ Channel 4.
“Waaaaa, wwwwaaaaaa, boo-hoo-hooo-hooooo, thems got SIX minutes, we only goat FIVE!
Waaaaaa,waaaaa…”
Inconsolable Zombies everywhere.
“Haaa-hahahahahah, haaaaa-hahahahahaa… Moind the TEN point gap! Roight rewnd yees!”
St.Patrick
BANE – 8/10
Raised on the rocky wasteland of Santa Prisca, in the filth of the Pena Dura dungeon prison,
a visit to Dundee is like a vacation. And he swaggered about like a man enjoying himself – utterly crucial one-on-one save on half-time to stop the sucker-punch, and commanded his area well under pressure at numerous corners from their big beasts. Steal of the season.
TOEJAM – 5/10
Hmmm. ‘He played in the Bundesliga.’ Aye… Looks like I’ll be partnering Hummels at centre-back for Bayern next season, then. Crossing was generally poor-woeful as he roamed down the right. Couldn’t get any link-ups working either. I get the feeling he flatters to deceive and is a player most comfortable in games that ebb and flow; too much of the ball when we dominate or too much pressure on him – i.e Europe – and he struggles.
KT – 6/10
Started well, looking his usual super-hero self but seemed to fade as the game went on – did he suffer a knock or two as the agricultural efforts of his plough-pulling opponents took effect? But like any real Celtic hero he was still standing for the count at the death. So the 96 minutes will toughen him up again and the joy will ease the pain.
LUSTIG – 7/10
What’s that? He’s finished? Yes… Do you want someone to sit with you? Solid deputising from the
Swedish master of disguise. One week an international legend, then a divorced masonic copper
with an alcohol problem and a hunch about a Govan serial killer cult, and the next a Celtic legend
fitting in at centre-half in the most crucial game of the EIGHT season. Solid. Experienced.
Vital to the cause.
AJER – 7/10 as Big Kris 8/10 as Arne Naess, Norwegian Philosopher
‘I must deliver my theory of deep ecology to the suffering peasants of the Dundee ghettos,’
deliberated poor Kris as he sat on the pitch, senses knocked out of his heid, believing himself to be giving a speech from “Interpretation and Preciseness” by Arne Naess, as the man himself.
Prior to Kenny Misser sconing the ball off his napper in a deliberate attempt to appease the screeching mob in the enclosure, the big lad had looked majestic, and a driving force behind first-half dominance. Let’s hope the Celtic bus remembers to collect him from the empty town hall where he currently stands behind a podium trying to work out when his lecture begins.
BROON -8.5/10
This is your MOTM and I’ll tell you why – when all was breaking down before him, HE stood tall, made just about every tackle he had to an HE was the one responsible for the winner – Jamesy – again – lost the ball at the edge of their box and the captain got the vital foot in to stop them breaking and shuffle the ball back to Jamesy for the winning move. This EIGHT is Broon’s title, and don’t you forget it. Imperious winner.
CALMAC – 6/10
Good return from injury. Tough gig. Probed them like many a Dundonian’s tale of Saturday night in the spacecraft after the tractor beam got them outside the pub. But Calmac’s sharpness looked just blunted slightly after his layoff. Might be good for him to get some game-time and training in with Scotland to be on-point for the Zombies.
FORREST – 5/10
The Flying Flasher of Old Prestwick Town scarcely worked up a semi as his day devolved into battering down closed channels and ricocheting passes and shots off large monoliths of dark blue. Then… Jamesy does what Jamesy does – lost the ball in a promising position to general groans, got it back from the skipper and made a devastating 96th minute run to set up the glorious winner. ‘What’s that lolling in your glass, sir?’
MIKEY J – 4/10
Nope, Lenny. Two games and the New-New Romantic is fast becoming and Emo teen. He’s got
skill and guile but he’s not ready to deploy against brutal, unforgiving hardmen. Escpecially not when he’s wearing cerise boots… A performance similar to the cursed 29 December 2018.
Get the bhoy into the gym for the summer – a la Christie – and we might have an impact player on our hands.
SINCY – 7/10
Looks like one keen to prove himself to the new manager. Also our most-likely today, denied by their keeper and classic Mibbery – hauled back by the collar for a STONEWALL penalty right in front of the ex-Mordor Season Ticket holder who used to travel on the Salmon Leap pub bus to every game before his natural progression to top-flight anti-Celtic agent. Eventually, Dundee just crowded him out second half as we tired. But today he was at it, alright.
FRENCH EDDY (© Sandman, just to clarify, way back last season – Griffiths name for him: ‘cos he’s French, and nearly got Eddy in his name’)
– 4/10.. THEN…9 Million/10
Well, ye get whit ye pay for – as my old Granpa used to mutter as he stepped out of the brothel looking miserable and somehow terrified. And we paid £9 million for the enigmatic Frenchman who will probably deliver the nine before he flits just to bookend the narrative.
Frustrated all afternoon, then his mercurial movement finally created a sliver of space, and he capitalised. And we celebrated. That’s what he’s there for, whiners.
SUBS:
HAYES – 7/10
Dundee suits him. Johnny can mingle down the quayside and assist in dragging bodies from the
Victorian slime. And today he revelled in his surroundings – a stadium that looks like a red-neck hillbilly baseball ground Kevin Costner romped around in Bull Durham. Johnny was good, some great runs and crossing – take note, Jamesy – and a real fighting attitude –
obviously straight off the WW1 battlefields. A worthy winner and deserving of his jersey.
WEAH – N/A
On for too little time. But will we see more of him now? That pace and enthusiasm sets him above others in the pecking-order, surely? Free library cards from his dad might be required to sway the boss. But I’d like to see him unleashed against the Zombies with time to do damage.
BENNY KOVIC – N/A
Didn’t really want the place today – too soon after his latest injury scare when shot in cross-fire with Kojak and Starsky and Hutch during a friendly-hooker rescue. He managed, though, and hopefully may feature towards the triple treble.
LENNY – 5/10
Or… Nah, he got lucky this time. Peculiar team selection for such an important game. Persisted with Mikey J in the number ten role and got nowhere. Surely will know now that he has no need to alter things too much. However… let’s note that Brendan Rodgers’ Celtic sides have chucked a few games of this type during the season. If there’s one thing guaranteed with Lenny it’s fighting spirit and never-say-die. This was his
sort of win, designed to be ground out, destined to be dramatic. Celebrated like the Celtic fan we know he is. We await his team to take on the upstart Zombies to see if he’s learning amid the mayhem.
OVERALL – 6/10
We toiled. But we toiled not in vain. Dundee didn’t bother with bus-parking – they lashed a couple of their defensive carthorses to a disused oil tanker in the Tay – to the ire of Denis Hopper who had designs on it for his next Waterworld base – and hauled it out, up onto their midden.
There were no ‘lines’ to play through because we faced a solid low block of ten every time we got possession – which was 95% of the game. Madden knew exactly what he was doing when he refused the penalty – it would have opened them up. Sleekit, but ultimately karma stiffed him. He’ll be hurting. Shame.
Eventually civilisation will catch up with Dundee and squads of united Nations Special Forces agents in hazmat suits will raze it to the ground in an attempt to finally eradicate bubonic plague. But until then we must suffer hazardous away trips like that.
The tempo from Celtic was good in the first-half but as soon as their keeper pulled off a tremendous save from Sincy early second-half it seemed to deflate the psyche. It is to the team’s great credit – and Broon a beacon of it – that the spirit resurged after flagging and we again pulled off the Hollywood finish.
When you make history, you don’t remember the turgid details of grinding out certain wins – you remember the ecstasy of the triumph. Today was one of those days – a champions performance of a different kind, maybe not easy for the purist hand-wringers to take, but a champions performance nonetheless.
A little bit of St.Paddy’s Day Magic.
Sandman
