SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v PERTH NOT AUSTRALIA…
“There is no belief, however foolish, that will not gather its faithful adherents who will defend it to the death.”
– Isaac Asimov
ROXIE – 7/10 – Thank Ghod for Big Joe’s Pornhub wrist. Much maligned by the summer’s Lev Yashin Appreciation Society, he showed his class with two outstanding saves you only saw from between your fingers.
WAYNE GRETZKY – 6.5/10 – Back with a rampaging moose-like presence as he battered his way down their flank in a first half of near constant foraging for openings. Good to see him at it like a beast, even though fitness curtailed his effectiveness deeper into the game and he subbed off.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – No longer our inverted, marauding inventive wing-back; now he’s just a full-back, and it shows. Frustrated as everyone with his own lack of impact, yet he’ll keep at it 100%.
OF JUSTICE – 4/10 – The Bhoy plays like he was away from the squad for a season; cautious, conservative, indecisive. Rolled like a Gallowgate drunk and bailed out by Joe, ponderous with the ball at his feet – which was far too often for our wellbeing. Good luck in the heat of Mordor; Got seven days to find a ring to protect you…
LAGERTHA – 6/10 – Two Celtic appearances, no goals, no wins, out of a cup. Probably rivalling Wayne Biggins
for ignominious starts to a Celtic career. Didn’t put a foot wrong today defensively, looked strong when it mattered. We’ll be relying on him for some crucial games to come; fingers crossed he’s got the Viking mindset to cope.
EDDIE TURNBULL – 4/10 – The Shnake is presumably after his Geriatric Appreciation scouting badge as Eddie gets another chance to cement his starting case. And drags momentum back three seasons. Lovely footballer, occasionally picks a beautiful pass, makes a telling flick or two, but today it was a 50% return on dangerous
possession as he fluffed his lines like a silent movie star cast in the new talkies. And he remembers those days well…
CALMAC – 5.5/10 – He wanted it today, dropping into ‘the hole’ like a Quarterback – that’s the thrower in
the American sport of Gayer Rugby where they dress like Pride parade bikers and big fellas molest each other every time a pinstriped male hooker blows his whistle. If you manage to catch the QB and finger him they call it sacking – because you grab him by his sack – and throw a yellow flag at you to show what a happy ray of sunshine you are, or something… *
Anyway, das Kapitan scrapped for every ball; sadly. Because in recent times he’s been afforded protection and space to play and construct. Right now, our architect’s hustling around like a site jobber and there’s no plans to build off.
*info taken from ‘Sandman’s Sporting Almanac – A Dismissive Guide To Other Sports When The Football Season’s On; And Full Of Interesting Lies’.
THE BUILDER – 7.5/10 MOTM – Hat-trick. In another timeline. This reality was taking the Colin Nish out of poor Matty today as their bewitched keeper foiled him with a few miraculous stops; from our point of view, sitters. But the Bhoy’s the shining light in the squad at the moment – another sparkling performance featuring skill and guile and …almost… a winning cutting edge.
YING – 7/10 – Looked like MOTM and the Mhan most likely to conjure something special until he ran out of
steam. If you know the Korean for ‘gallus’ drop him a line – once he adds that to his game, and realises the chumps around him aren’t going to finish what he started, then we may see the added conviction to his thrilling runs that will win matches with those excellent feet.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 5/10 – Daizen rushing about, but unconvinced his work-rate will reap rewards as he ponders the uncertainties of existence and wonders what the Buddah would do. But he’s at Spurs now, and the new shiny bosu might be more of a baka than a kyodai.
KILLER MUSHROOM – 4/10 – Well off it. One of those games where he mistimed every run and connection, failing to hit the target or get on the end of dangerous balls made for him. Close to goal of the season first half, but faded. What a day to pick.
SUBS –
ABADASS – 5/10 – Might we get some sprightly match-winning energy? Flashes, but stuttering.
JAMESY – N/A – If only Jamesy was as lethal with his big heid… The last man we wanted on the end of an aerial cut back.
TONY THE TIGER – N/A – Roamed around, but couldn’t find the whiplash cross to punish them.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA – N/A – You can’t even count on D10S to win it for you these days.
HACKY SACK – 5.5/10 – Half an hour central but impotent and snuffed out when we really needed him
to drive through their block.
THE SHNAKE – 5/10 – Well, the game you had to win. No argument with selection, only the evidence in front of us as the game wore on told a story of then and now; belief began to evaporate and intensity dropped – not a single clear chance made in 8 minutes of injury time. That dressing room’s going to be wondering, and grumbling, and next week will be more than pivotal; It’ll be definitive.
MIBBERY – 3/10 – He looked confused, mostly, but aside from a few dubious awards there was no VAR drama or conflict to test bias, and 8 minutes was a fair call for their incessant time-wasting.
OVERALL – 5.5/10 – So St.Johnstone are the perfect pre-Ibrox appetiser because they’re getting pumped by everyone. No they’re not. The opening hour’s zip and play was very decent, reaching levels of excitement akin to hearing rumours that a sinkhole had opened up under an orange walk. Then…
By dint of metaphysical synchronicity we found ourselves in a situation similar to a few which encapsulated
the past two seasons – desperately in need of a winner, clock about to hit the midnight hour. Would we find that belief once again, and vindicate the new regime? Would we hell. Would we even make a chance in the overtime?* (GR terminology, kids) Would we hell. So… Meh. Once more.
Like last week – it’s looking like being a long season, folks. What a time to have a monumental trip to the Ninth Circle Of Hell looming. With a central defence whittled down to a single Viking shield maiden and a bewildered ginger lad from County Wicklow. The one chance we have is for PSV to tear the hole out them and leave them with less confidence than Davie Dodds on Love Island. ‘Mon the Orangiemen…
And in between there’s Thursday’s terrifying Champions League group stage draw. Once the most exciting part of
the opening months, now diminished to the faint hope that UEFA have a smack party the night before and we end up in a group with Craggy Island, Jossie’s Giants and the Mighty Ducks.
What a time to be alive… We said last two seasons.
Sigh.
Go Away Now
Sandman
Four points from that group courtesy of a win and draw against Craggy Island
( Fr Dougal was suspended ).