SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v POPULAR SUPERMARKET CHAIN WORKERS’ XI…
“Big Brands At Low Prices. Delivery Times that Suits You & Free Next Day Delivery. Discover Great Offers On Fresh, Frozen, Drinks, Household & Many More. Award Winning Products. Amazing Value. Award Winning Supermarket. Food You Can Trust. That’s Iceland.” Confusedaboutnordicfootballteams.com
“I’m hopin’ to be back for the second leg away, cause Ah want tae see Santa.” Griff
B.A BARKAS – 6.5/10
Relieved it was a one-off as nobody was getting him on a plane, fool! Enjoyed the peace until just before half-time when the WTF?! moment arrived and he made a really smart save from an opportunistic quick smack. Late on, he saw more of the ball but nothing troubled him out of his languid stoner style.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 7/10
Overcame his conflict of interests due to Greggs frozen sausage rolls being available in Iceland stores. Raised the heart rate with surging runs down the left, inconsistent final balls though, and took a nasty hack from what is known in Iceland as a óhrein bastarður. Let’s hope the injury isn’t recurrent as he’s building momentum and with added finesse could become devastatingly useful. Capped off his night with a stunning long-range diving header.
HAT ATTACK – 7.5/10
Shagging injury fully cleared (good old penicillin), it was a welcome return for more aggressive one of our Mossad assassin duo. And how tough is he? Answer: tough as muck – almost killed a guy on the half hour
with his BACK! Mobile and threatening – a given – and efficeint in defence; set-up the fourth with a refined dink across goal. We like this conditioned, psyche-programmed, killing machine. We look forward to his violent participation on 17 October.
BITTON – 7/10
Mr.Cleanup as he’s known in the hitman industry, cool and collected, on the scene shortly after Hat Attack’s decorated it with corpses. Made a killer pass of such guileful, disguised beauty mid-first half even Nostradamus
couldn’t have anticipated it. Stopped a certain consolation late on with an intervention so timely that AA meetings
will replay for decades. Also, appears to have used the Covid downtime to decorate his limbs with a variety
of new tattoos, mostly the heads of victims.
JULIEN CLARY – 7/10
The mincing plastic nightmare of Kilmarnock didn’t haunt him. In case of a hangover Lennony had brought in Israeli Special Forces for protection either side, and the added security had our NBA star up the park dunking in a ferocious header to kill off KR’s forlorn hopes.
BROON – 7/10
Doesn’t like frozen food – he eats exerything RAW. And from the off the skipper was at them, snarling, covering a lot of ground, sweeping scraps and hustling the game around him; all about influence and motivation. They weren’t getting a sniff of a loose ball if he could avoid it. Gave us an hour of power then got a deserved early night.
CALMAC – 7.5/10
Shakespeare wrote a play for him called The Tempo. He’s so impressive on this sort of occasion where we rely on Calmac to set the rhythm by which the Hoops stage victory. He conducted proceedings to perfection, appearing everywhere to tidy up as he patrolled the middle like a sniffer dug on a hash farm.
CORPUS CHRISTIE – 6/10
Springy. Lots of movement and looked dangerous, good first half but faded when things wouldn’t run his way and crosses were off-key; not a surprise for somebody who survived crucifixion but we’re used to his left peg wreaking more devastation in high-stakes Euro games like these.
FORREST – 6/10
Well, he’s growing a hairstyle that puts him somewhere in the Gatsby era and for most of the game was playing like he was stuck in black and white footage. Yet, we’re used to Jamesy warming into a season and he produced a beautiful moment – no, ladies, calm down… – with his chest and slipped pass to assist in the fourth. Big question hanging over him is… Can he grow a Clark Gable moustache in time for the weekend?
ELSHAGYONLASSIE – 8.5/10 MOTM
Well, Lennony’s a big fan of Gladiator and Moi’s a ringer for the slimy emperor, so why not continually play your Joachim Phoenix lookalike to dazzle the opposition with movie celebrity glam, ‘cos he sure ain’t doing it with a ball yet… But wait, there’s a twist, a sneaky knife in the ribs of the Icelanders as emperor Moi turns it on and fires the Hoops into the next round with a scintillating first-half where he was buzzing around unplayable. Mo-oooore of that every week please!
FRENCH EDDY – 7/10
Meh, then Yeah! Fannyed around all night, nothing really coming off, denied a couple of goals, a penalty, ball bobbled about… Then lit up the match with his last hurrah – Franz Klammered them with an exquisite slalom that showcased feet to shame Fred Astaie and a finish to impress Ron Jeremy.
SUBS:
SAM JACKSON – 7/10
What’s a Muthusucka to do to get a muthusuckin’ game these muthusuckin’ days? Well, hangin’ around like a cool hood muthusucka pays dividend when you come on sharp as a muthusucka and zip it around and dictate and toy with those muthusuckas and set up the icing on the muthusuckin’ cake with a DAYM sweet muthusucka of a pass!
KLIMALA KLIMAX – 6/10
Harangued and got involved for his twenty minute kickabout; look, Griff – someone who’s knuckled down and given himself a fighting chance of making it back into contention…
THE YETI – N/A
Migrated to Celtic Park via the Himalayas, Swiss Alps, and escaped the stink of leery London town where he wasted a year listening to cockerneys scream about German philosophers and other kants. “Release the Yeti! Give us the flaming Yeti, Lennon!” was the regular yell from somewhere in the otherwise deserted main stand all game. Eventually, Peter got his wish and we got a brief cameo where The Yeti sweated a bit despite having now shaved off most of his mountain fur, and slipped over due to… Big-foot problems. Dad-daaaa. I’m here all week…
LENNONY – 7.5/10
Set it up right and got the Champions League Lennony performance that wins games – high tempo from the start to pin them in, asking his fullbacks to flood forward, nailed the win early. Has his work cut out behind the scenes to get over the interruptions but will be delighted with his multiple options. After Killie, it’s simply about stringing wins together over the next important month to get a kickstart in the league and possibly reach the hallowed ground of the CL groups.
OVERALL – 8/10
Over the seas from Iceland they came in their amphibious shopping trolleys – shelf-stackers, stock boys, cashiers, ‘Happy to Helps’, and a fat security guard with halitosis; tooled-up and ready to go toe-to-toe with Scotland’s finest; Kompletely Radge Reykjavik, the mad geysers (see what I did there, cockerney-spanker geological-anomaly pun fans?).
Somebody said they were a Vulcanic people but none of them looked like Spock to me. But swinging socks stuffed with frozen peas at Celtic only works for so long. And once the Hoops overcame mild thuggery and flying frozen chips, the ice warriors were pinned back and thoroughly defrosted.
We didn’t need to throw in a Bolingoliological weapon because the Bhoys did exactly what was needed and melted the glacier from the start with relentless heat. Easy to dismiss the opposition but we’ve seen struggles to overcome minnows at these stages – and this being a unique one-off – so getting the job done was an entertaining relief. One step closer to the promised land.
Go away now.
Sandman
ALSO ON THE CELTIC STAR…Ilir Meta’s Bagel Joke – A “very, very happy” President of Albania says “we played tennis today, not football”
