Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Red Star Renfrewshire

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v RED STAR RENFREWSHIRE…

“Shallow men (insert moley-faced image below…) believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson.

ROXIE – 7/10 – Might have thought a showgal could take time to fix up her hair in a game like this, but tonight the fine stops spanned the 90 – clawing away a speculative tester early on, then pawing away a hitch-kick with a
spectacular reaction in the dying minutes. Plenty of kicking action too, and never stepped a patent heel out of synch.

JURAN JURAN – 6.5/10 – Left back!? Hide! Reprising his Death Star debacle, JJ produced a more settled, accomplished game tonight. The expected departee tore around like a mad thing and the director’s box winced at every value-reducing impact. But he’s that fleet of foot, the journeymen never got to grips and he enhanced our attacking options; his burst out was the catalyst to the third.

STAR LORD – 6.5/10 – There’s always one… 20 minutes in the jersey stall opened and the new bhoy uttered his first Scottish phrase – ‘What the fleck?!” – as Star Lord fazed-out and delivered his ubiquitous gift to the opposition. Chattering racoon in his ear, spitting fury, he quickly wrangled himself back from the edge of madness and settled into a disciplined, combative role, and handled their two MMA candidates well. But, man, those abberations, and your heart…

MR.KOBAYASHI – 7.5/10 – Welcome to Scotland. Expecting a pleasant ride? Here’s a shower from Prison Break to contend with and his rangy tag-team spit-roasting partner. But Keyeser Sozes’s main man was sent for a reason; he can handle the rough-housing and pick a pass with aplomb. Unfazed, unruffled, unimpeachable and pretty unlucky as a post denied him a debut goal. All in all, quite an impression he made. Mr.Soze will be very pleased indeed.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 7.5/10 – The Cruyff turn. The Zidane Roulette; Epic, iconic moves. And now, the Johnston Arse-Throw. Soon, kids all over the world will be shying a ball sat on their arse. Remember where you saw it first. Around that historical moment, we got to be impressed by another powerhouse performance by the mhan who inspired the Leo Di Caprio movie ‘The Revenant’ in his quest to reach Paradise from the frozen wilds. And he’s wasting no time in impressing the locals with some quality footwork and movement, garnished with physicality and commitment.

CALMAC – 7/10 – The classic Calmac evening – prompting and conducting the orchestra from little pockets of space as others got busy around him, allowing the time to be neat and tidy. Never stressed, always in control, and quietly and effectively calling the shots like Clint Eastwood in the Spaghetti Westerns.

THE BUILDER – 6.5/10 – Hair cut, ready for the new school term, young Matty was looking refreshed. Not quite at his peak but there was an air of more confidence about his game tonight, and his touch was recovered. The bench has reinvigorated his enthusiasm. Welcome back. Refreshed, recovered, and reinvigorated – see what I did
there, fans of recurring prefixes?

HAKUNA HATATE – 8.5/10 MOTM – Just great. Remarkable really, how he hustles his way into the game like a wee nuisance then springs open the quality upon startled opposition. It’s all-out effort and effortless at once; natural football ability tethered with natural desire to engage and impact – that pass to Kyogo… Poetry. No wonder Iniesta has a poster of him on his bedroom wall. And in a locket…

ABADASS – 6/10 – Click. Nope. Click-click. Nope. Like trying to turn over a car in the icy depths of winter, this desert son can’t quite get started either. Looked to rev up a few times tonight – that finish was a net-ripper – but further hopes died like a faulty alternator and we got a flat-battery performance overall.

KILLER MUSHROOM – 7.5/10 – “See that Kyogo, ye never see h… Yaaas!!” Kyogo or Kayako? Some legends only ever appear once. This one drifts in and out of the misty forests of SPL defenders like a true Japansese yūrei, and just when you think he’d Brig O’Doon-ed it for the night, up he pops to notch a double and kill off the contest; A first lob delicate as cherry blossom; then a second stuck home like like a Yakuza revenge stabbing. Deadly Nightshade, indeed… Feed him more.

NOTEBOOK – 6/10 – Nah. Like Abadass, he was another nearly mhan. Those dancing feet got some rhythm, but not all – a step or two out of some scintillating motion; though it does appear like he’s tuning up for fairer times when we’ll look to him to be a match-winner.

SUBS –

LORD KATSUMOTO – N/A – Daizen must run or Daizen will die; says the Japanese warning label on his clothing – and you thought it was just some Superdry gear. So no rest for the restless, and on he came to burn some carbon. Daizen does not sleep; Daizen waits.

MOOEY – N/A – Halloween Broony had a mare against this mob back late summer, so just to make them feel better, in he came with a smile and a few passes.

EDDIE TURNBULL – 6.5/10 – Just when I was fearing for the old boy’s health as he appeared to enter treacle mode and we slowed to his pace, there he was smashing in a peach. Although, it did appear by his non celebration that he’d forgotten quite who, where and even when he was with the cold; ‘Are you Emperor Hirohito?’ he was heard to mumble as he took team-mates’ congratulations…

JAMESY – N/A – Well, you can’t say Jamesy doesn’t always get some head. Even on a dour January evening he’s there among it… crashing into an unfortunate defender who was lucky to escape without impregnation. And Jamesy almost took his goals tally into the hundreds but for the irritant linesman getting his money shot right, finally.

HACKY SACK – N/A – Another welcome back from a surprise recent omission. Injury? We hope it’s cleared.

ANITA DOBSON – 7.5/10 – Well, the big mhan’s lucky once more. Its a recurring theme, this good fortune… 9 points and a million goals luckier than other moley-couponed weirdos from Landan’s East End; Which, by
statistical default, also makes him a likely felcher. Statistical probability, not my invention…So Ange takes a look back at Paisley and sets out an annihilation plan – intensity and focus demanded on top of the hard yards; got ’em. Angeball kicked into proper gear sometime mid first half and they were pinned and picked off. Without let-up, this time round the second-half produced the same levels and we coasted. His demands were met and a tricky proposition put to bed early. Next!

MIBBERY – 3.5/10 – Well, they did give it a go but even with Damien Dallas on VAR, Steven (with a ‘V’) couldn’t do much to alter the course of inevitability. Nor could his linesman, Wavy Davy, despite managing to snare us once after a thousand attempts at ‘flagging a Bhoy off’. Nae luck, brothers.

OVERALL – 7.5/10 – From the 18th September to the 18th January; Contrast and compare. The Nightmare in Narcoville to Pill-Popping In Paradise as the cartel’s crew rolled into the East End dressed like MIBs to throw
us off and played 2 up front to test the new bhoy and the nervy bhoy. Their willingness to expand play worked for us as well despite them commendably throwing in a few scares; the Bhoys exploited the spaces as the Baddies tired and what may have been a stormy proposition became a becalmed cruise – the game long gone after the hour and another solid victory to put us ever so closer to that coveted championship and CL excitement. These are the matches you must win to get near it; nights like these when motivation’s not a given. 16 to go. 10-12 wins will do it, I reckon. Smell that? Smells like victory.

Go Away Now

Sandman