SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SAINT GERRY MARSDEN…
A warm welcome back to Celtic Park for Jorge Cadete who serenaded the crowd at half time with his famous chant. 🍀 pic.twitter.com/5YNwI9K1z2
— Callum McFadden (@Callum7McFadden) November 1, 2023
ROXIE – 6.5/10 – A flash of white around 7 minutes and Joe thought a pigeon had tangled in the net. Nope, that’s called a goal. To them. He looked as bewildered as his static defence but at least he was blameless. His main success was marshalling a less than convincing backline to stoicism, and excellent poise with the ball at his feet.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – For all his huff and puff – that is ubiquitous – his quality controller had ramped up the pastry texture tonight as this was a smoother, more comfortable Greggs. Confident too – charged around with more constructive purpose as opposed to Saturday’s air of desperation, which was like the last lunchtime sausage roll on the tray.
WAYNE GRETZKY – 6/10 – Despite the Hibs smasheroo in the face leaving him to believe he was an elephant trainer from Zanzibar called Euphretes for the last 4 days, he managed to down whip and bananas and make it out into the sobering Glasgow night. Toughed it out again with more caution than optimism – required, given the aggressive nature of their approach and our instability.
OF JUSTICE – 6/10 – “Begorrah! T’ fook did he come from?” Behind you – it’s pantomime season. Of all nights to leave his CL sharpness in the Guinness glass, this one was shaping up to be his Waterloo. But after that initial lapse and accompanying worrisome nerves, a couple of rollicking tackles reset his focus. Which was just as well, as Saints posed the stiffest domestic test for our defence we’ve had at home in a while.
THE NATIONALIST – 6/10 – At times he clambers around our box like a mountain man plucked from years in the wilderness shearing grizzly bears, and often plays out as if confronted by a ball for the first time. But he is effective.
And in the absence of CCV, Nat’s brawny survivalist skills were required against the mobile, aggressive brute strength they countered with. His best moments were saved for out most anxious as he defied them late on in the goalmouth with graceless heroism, employing any part of his anatomy to swat their efforts away like he was keeping racoons out of his larder.
CALMAC – 6.5/10 – Wearing a bit at the edges. Calmac appears ready for rest and refreshment. Toiled a little then found his killer rhythm; was pulling all the strings in perfect sequence as we built a head of pressure and eventually hit the blow-off top.
THE BUILDER – 6/10 – Quietest Matty’s been in months. Maybe due to the extra pressing workload shared with Calmac to compensate for the ambling Eddie T. And that’s the story of his game – a decent shift to dig us out of a hole.
EDDIE TURNBULL – 7/10 – Goddamn, Reo, what have you done? Similar to the opening game of the season, poor Eddie had to make do with being second-best on the crowd’s wish-list as the pining for Hatate began once more. And just like that game, the wandering wanderer was the surprise package – ripped in a wavering scorcher; smacked it with his laces like Gazza explaining to Sheryl how disappointed he was with her sandwich-making.
Another MOTM performance incoming? No. Thanks to the upright, Eddie got denied to chance to clean his ears out again and the mockery was reversed. However, he was still the outstanding midfield geriatric of the night.
JAMESY – 6/10 – Jamesy can’t score. There, it has been said for the first time in history; Somewhere, a glass collector just dropped an empty pint tumbler in shock. So close on Saturday to winning it, so close tonight to putting us ahead with his last touch of the game.
And it’s not often Jamesy’s last touch doesn’t produce ecstasy.
Still, a fine hour busy and buzzing and dragging them around. Deserved clever movement capped off by that near thing, which was a tremendous save to be fair. One of many from a goalkeeper Jamesy curiously refers to as ‘clockblocker’. Must be some professional term of affection…
BRIAN DE – 5.5/10 – Just like Saturday; ergo, he saw a lot of the ball, attempted a lot with it, but the vast percentage didn’t come off and we got to live his frustration with him. One of those players – particular style, can be both a world-beater or doofus in any given match. Tonight needs a script re-write.
KILLER MUSHROOM – 6.5/10 – Incessantly deadly, to a point… Aesthetic sensibilities frustrated by the towering ugliness in their box, out he came to facilitate the Bhoy Oh’s physical wrath, and dropping into the game came our hired Yakuza assassin.
Only, this time he was creator – wits on high frequency to link up for the winner – and villain, missing a one-on-one to seal the glory. But did you see the terrible damage he did to that lumbering imbecile as he tried to close down the keeper? The poor windae-licking giant may need surgery and suffer PTSD after getting in the way of Kyogo’s unprovoked shove.
Mr.Beaton showed admirable restraint at the incident…
That’s absolutely embarrassing booking given by Beaton to Kyogo. #BeatonIsCheatingAgain pic.twitter.com/XwBfXMlUiG
— Michael McCahill (@MichaelMcCahi10) November 1, 2023
SUBS –
YING – 6/10 – “What is that?”
‘A card. A yellow card.’
“But why, Mr.Ref? I not do nothing.”
‘You are Celtic. You are foreign. I am Zombie. That is why. Welcome to Scotland.’
And the boy got his baptism and also gave us some promising glimpses of his trickery. The sand-dancing jury is still out but tonight’s moves were more reminiscent of peak Travolta.
THE ALLFATHER – 6.5/10 – Young Odin, you are released from Mitgard penetentiary for being a cheeky wee daftie in Rotterdam. And he brought some mythical Norse buzz into a flattening midfield to spark the surge to the winner. Delicious deft flick into Oh.
OH BHOY – 7.5/10 MOTM – “망할 네트에서 그거 골라봐 !”mThat’s Korean for ‘Pick that oot the flamin’ net!’ And the Bhoy Oh did exactly what it says on the tin – rattled the rigging, and the entire stadium – except the GB… – rattled too. Spectacular finish, spectacular moment in the
season as he kickstarts his goalscoring and allays fears of a team mini-slump.
His family flew around the world to be there for that – talk about timing – and I hope the joy eclipses the shock of where they’ve landed. From hi-tech South Korea to a swamp where you get burned for witchcraft if you’re vaguely Irish and know how to work a tin-opener.
LORD KATSUMOTO – N/A – Amazing – make him a sub, then throw Daizen on and don’t give him the ball. All because he turned up at the club Halloween party dressed as Ming The Merciless and upstaged you-know-who’s ‘Buck’ Rodgers outfit; which everybody thought was Buzz Lightyear anyway.
Even Kyogo toed the ‘shun Daizen’ party-line and refused to play him in when clean through. Remorseful, Daizen said next year he’d go as The Flash instead. And that upset Jamesy… You just can’t win sometimes.
THE SHNAKE – 7.5/10 – Well, that was a shnake up? See what I did there, hand-wringing Rodgers fanboys? A starting team to incite concern – rightly so – but misgivings nullified by good use of subs to win the game ; right men deployed at the right times. That’s exactly what he’s paid handsomely for and exactly what he delivered. And if he’s still here in the morning he’ll probably be paid handsomely again this month. Just joking, sensitive types…
He’ll be gone.
Ahp…
MIBBERY – 5.5/10 – Jings, poor Johnny B. After the Hate Pit hadron at the VAR monitor on Sunday he was positively incandescent and not tumescent when he had to repeat the exercise tonight. Because ours WAS a pen. Yet he kept his wits about him to book as many foreigners as he could – including Crown Bar Bellshill racist impersonators’ favourite, wee Kyogo for what is referred to in the Scottish Referees handbook as ‘Fleck all’.
Still, was nice to hear the muted effort of a whistle as the winner ripped up the netting; Johnny could barely choke up the breath to sob out shrill confirmation of Zombie hearts broken once more.
OVERALL – 7.5/10 – Well that wasn’t pleasant but the ending was worth all the grind and sweat. That’s what she said. Damp it was and wet behind the ears we seemed as we conceded a Sunday morning special; “Who the hell’s meant to be marking him ffs, ya hungover bams?!” Ah, memories of halcyon days on the playing fields of ultra-violence and merciless verbal abuse. Thankfully that dragging down memory lane tied to a runaway horse ended with our howitzer equaliser and the Bhoys eventually got their act sparking off nicely to light the late fireworks.
Worryingly – or to their credit – the Feegie Fighters caused us all kinds of bother with their propensity to fire in crosses from anywhere in the final third, quickly, in behind our backline and a lot of them were well-delivered; the goal the first in point. Just a vulnerability our defence needs to be more aware of.
Ultimately it felt like a better win than a romp just because we got to see the Bhoys mettle tested in unfavourable conditions on a winter’s night. I say unfavourable, given poor weather drawing in and due to a poignant lack of atmosphere; whatever your stance, one question has been answered in depressingly predictable corporate enforcement – no, Celtic Park will no longer be a forum for free speech and expression of conflicting ideals.
Leto Atreides II, the God-Emporer has spoken, and there’s nobody in the corridors of power iron like a Lion in Zion to oppose his Zionist will. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
And silence prevailing in the North Curve doesn’t help either…
Go Away Now
Sandman.
Matt Corr’s new book Majic, Stan and the King of Japan is out now and Neil Lennon, the Celtic captain that season, has written the foreword for us.
You can get a signed copy of the hardback version direct from Celtic Star Books by clicking on the image below. It’s also available an an e-book via Amazon Kindle and please note that all colour photographs that appear in the beautifully presented printed hardback book are also available in the Kindle version of Majic, Stan and the King of Japan…
Still doing the childish names.
I can’t read this drivel after I see the insulting names.
Go to another club with your immature writing.
Sandman’s Definitive Ratings are very popular on here Dave, but I accept that they are not going to entertain everyone, best just to ignore going forward as you know what you are going to get and know it’s not for you. Thousands of supporters read these ratings after every match and the feedback we get is mostly very positive indeed.
First thing I look for after a game.
Nat Phil O… a high school physics textbook from the olden days
Nat Phillips… a high school centre half in a drunken haze
Again? Thanks for playing , Wavey Davey.