Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Saint Jinky


“All good things arrive unto them that wait – and don’t die in the meantime.” Mark Twain.

ROXIE – 6.5/10 – Another ‘quiet’ day, although kept busy enough playing sweeper and calling the shots; don’t underestimate the presence and the influence of an experienced showgirl…

TONY THE TIGER – 8/10 MOTM – Grrrreat… Got to say, for every miscue there’s a peach – exemplified by Tony’s snapped half-volley cross at the perfect time to tee up the opener. Witness the industry required to keep that precious jersey, and the determination and focus of a serial killer on a personal-best spree. Even assassination attempts by his own Japansese samurai are walked off and treated as everyday work hazards. I’d imagine he’s now Ange’s first name on the teamsheet; no qualms about what you’ll get from the Tiger, tiger, burning bright…

. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

GET CARTER – 7/10 – How dare you! As Cop26 (whoever the hell he is, and how hopeless were the first 25?) tries to stop the planet exploding/melting/freezing (Ask Al ‘Messiah’ Gore…) wee Greta is outraged on her trip to Celtic Park as Get Carter dares to absorb kicks and punches, and is rightly booked for his insolence…Welcome to Scotland. ‘Solid’ best describes our growling Yank in both physicality and performance. Let’s hope Kane broke his foot and knuckles. Nobody rolls the Big Man and gets away with it. The November semi-final should provide some popcorn-worthy rematches…

(Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

STAR LORD – 7.5/10 – Ooh, so close to being Invisible Talking Racoon Of The Match. Best first-half in the Hoops as he got a nod on every cross, was alert and flew into tackles with controlled aggression. Even looked comfortable on the ball and keen to get involved. But his imaginary friend must have stayed in hospitality at half-time as nerves began to fray and we got jittery Star Lord for a while, lacking decisiveness, shipping a couple of alarming opportunities. But, overall, our paranoid schizophrenic centre-back came through with stability and credit. Rodent’s still in the bar, though…

(Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

JURAN JURAN – 7/10 –  The penalty king of Parkhead. Not a difficult title to earn but thank Ghod there’s someone who knows how to plant one like a proper accomplished taker. After a quiet first half his class came to the fore; great touches, support, impact. Now appears to be settling into his Celtic role well .

CALMAC – 7.5/10 – A treasure. The human metronome who processes every Celtic move, turning us over, maintaining the base mechanics of Celtic play even when there’s not a lot happening further ahead of him. As they stifled us, he dictated tempo, refusing to lapse into first gear and facilitate their game-plan. His constant prompting kept us on our toes and forced them into energy-draining shuttling. A cultured captain’s performance.

(Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

ROGIC – 6.5/10 – Crowded House were from New Zealand, but you get the general antipodean drift as Oz went shoulder-to-shoulder in the low-block St.Johnstone jungle. But he found much more influence on the game today than Tuesday’s misfire. Once they tired, the dancing boats came into play and space opened up for him to deftly nudge us towards a win.

EDDIE TURNBULL – 6.5/10 – Like Oz, their aim was to curb his guile and nullify our creative ambitions as much as possible. So they hid his zimmer. But again like Oz, his persistence paid dividend latterly as precious extra seconds of time allowed his ability to make a difference. Saw something today that’s been missing often from his general game: dig.

(Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

NOTEBOOK – 6/10 –£6.5million is all Benfica want for him according to a fella in the pub who knows a lot about the interweb. So get that Just Giving page opened and find the cash before theRangers step in ahead of us and snatch him…. LOL, just kidding,  interlopers – we know you’re rookit and probably going to auction off a pump at Fatboy’s missus (or himself…) just to keep the lights on; all before Slippy G jumps the sinking ship (Titanic II) to Geordieland. Anyway, despite enlivening flashes of silken grace, nothing really ran for him today – apart from being awarded the phished-up-sponsors MOTM so their former Wham groupie wives can get their pics with young ‘Georgedy’…

MR.KOBAYASHI – 6/10 – Winger? The only wings Koyogo does well are those on Mitsibushi Zeros… (see what I did there WWII Pacific conflict historians and glorious suicide fans?). So the conundrum is where to start our dynamic shogun. Out wide he’s far too absent. Down the middle is where he belongs. If that entails playing a 3-3-4 against SPFL muppets to facilitate Kyogo and a target Son Of Jackie, so be it; or sacrifice a winger. But when he’s given free rein to maraud around the centre-backs the chaos is match-winning, as his penalty award indicates.

(Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

SON OF JACKIE – 6.5/10 – He’s a big unit, and agile too. That finish was class; adjusting to guide in a flashing ball at waist height. Something his Dad specialised in. Both on and off the park… We saw decent movement as well as he jousted constantly to find an opening amid a packed defence. Only gripe would be that we didn’t play to his strengths enough – looks like the would thrive on plenty of crosses thrown in early; we dithered and checked too much today, and his potential was somewhat wasted.


MIKEY J – 6/10 – Gave us a few dizzying dribbles to savour and some decent balls in; damn cursed to strike the post flat-on after measuring up a late chance well.

ABADASS – N/A – His well-earned rest interrupted by a late introduction.

THE YETI – N/A – Incredible effort to amble on for injury time. Took its toll as he tumbled in the box, but was revived successfully.

ANITA DOBSON – 7.5/10 – The honeymoon’s long over, Ange. Den’s needing the bar stocked. He was told after the witchcraft of Mordor, and he’s taken it on board; we are now in a period of settling into domesticity, and we’re getting some added bliss. Up against The Real Manager Of The Year last season, who out-scored his nearest rival 2 trophies to 1 yet was left empty handed as the Scottish Football establishment and hacks fell spanking to the floor over the Ibrox anomaly in the matrix and forgot all about him.

So Angeball faced up to a drilled, stoical team prepared to deny space, time and creativity at all costs. Probably the system’s best test to date because we had to sacrifice its core dynamism. And once more, conviction saw Ange’s methodology through. Naysayers and doubters may be seen shrugging and buying tickets for the Angebus now, because we’re picking up momentum. And we’d all be as well getting on board to see where this ride takes us.

MIBBERY – 7/10 – My suspicion of MIBs often overflows into what the wife calls ‘irrational hate’… Stupid burd, open your eyes…Well, as early as mid-first period, after a few mental tweaks from seeing mystifying flags and whistles, I was snarling at Junior Brother Walsh’s handling of things, bad omens rising.

Then it came as we failed to kill them off (I told you so, woman!) – the Get Carter incident; a straight red for a violent opponent masonified into a yellow for the hooped victim. Little Nick himself, who’s now a certainty to have a train pulled on him at the next ludge meeting after that Celtic-baiting fiasco.

Such a laughable tragedy for him to have to award the penalty minutes after. No way out of that one. Like Zinedine Zidane before his penalty against England in Euro 2004, I swear Walsh threw up near the spot he was pointing at. Nae luck, Nick. Go pull a pinkie for me, eh?

OVERALL – 7.5/10 – That was a good dull win. Professional job done, potential banana skin negotiated well. St.Johnstone have become a difficult obstacle to overcome without mishap. Today wasn’t pretty, it was patient;
Like Michael Mols’ missus, you might say…But three 2-0 wins on the trot is formidable for confidence ahead of a tricky trip to junkietown midweek. On we roll, roll, roll, thrill ma soul…


And Screw Thee Diaz Brothers!

Go Away Now


About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email


      • Even Mare Bhaffled Bhoy on

        Out standing on the touchline is where he should be!
        He has never been outstanding in his life.
        He’s sat beside a good player .. that’s as close as he’ll get tae one!
        He. Is. NOT. A. Player!
        The jerseys don’t shrink tae fit inferior players & his is a xxxs boys at the moment.
        Seriously, if big CCV wasnae beside him & Joe Hart in his ear we’d be fecked imo.
        He’s an accident waiting to happen. The new Efe feckin Ambrose .. i guess he was “outstanding” tae, aye?
        Low expectations ye have, mate .. sadly!

        • That’s your opinion, not shared by myself or the Celtic manager or the Sweden manager but you are entitled to it and to state it and if you are right can come on and say told you so. Hopefully you have to do the opposite and say I was wrong, as indeed many supporters have done this season regarding Tony Ralston (who is no Danny McGrain).

          • But, he doesnae even get on the bench for Sweden! When he last played for them a few games ago he played CDM.
            He cost about the same as Mjallby, VvD & Boyata combined .. that is as damning as it gets considerin the player we got for that amount of money. When ppl have such low expectations of a player, then he’ll get better reviews cos they’re so worried he’ll sell the jerseys EVERY time he wears one. THAT’s not what I want/expect for that kind of price. Young Welsh still a better player than him & he was binned after one error v Livi after bein brought back in. The fact he’s Scottish & a youth product goes against him. Charlie Mulgrew still twice the player, is left sided & can play both LCB & LB .. & we could’ve got him for free! Sorry, but Starfelt is an accident waitin tae happen & we all know it. He’ll cost Celtic games, points, cups & leagues, he’s simply not a good footballer & I could see that after watchin his “highlights” at Ruben Kazan. Not tall, not strong, not quick, not good in the tackle, positionally poor, not vocal, not a leader or a presence, unfortunately.