SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SPECTRAL DUGS…
“So to sum up the Celtic annual financial results without going into too much fiscal detail – we can basically buyand sell the Zombies ten times over.” Ian Bankier, Celtic PLC Chairman
ROXIE – 6/10 – Another footwork exercise for our animated cosmetics billboard in nets. Amused himself by initiating shuttle sprints for Raquel with hanging passes, looked most likely of all our team to make a decent pass for long spells of the game.
TONY THE TIGER – 5.5/10 – Scrappy Doo in a hooped jersey. Tony doesn’t mind these contests as the lack of finesse brings out the tiger in him. Battered his way through proceedings, but still more careless with his use of the ball than we’ve come to expect.
GET CARTER – 5.5/10 – Ginormous pec masquerades as bicep for SMSM non-pen frenzy. No way was simping MIB giving it for fear of nightmares every time his doorbell goes. The big mhan glowered his way through that incident and the rest of a Sunday slog looking as bored as the rest of us before giving way to returning NBA star.
RAQUEL – 5.5/10 – Introduced to the advertising hoardings by way of a wild slash warranting no card, but let’s not
dwell on that when there’s a boob conceding a penalty to whine about. Raquel recovered her glamour and made
a professional fist of it.
OF JUSTICE – 6/10 – Well, the bhoy laced it like a 1970s comic-strip hero and rattled the rigging. Not a bad way to liven up a forgettable match. Slack as everyone else around that, however; looked full of promise but his game slipped into the malaise and lost precision and urgency; needs to work on his final ball.
BLOCKCHAIN – 7.5/10 MOTM – Thankfully, someone on it like the skipper he was. Effectively consistent, and thank Yoda for that. Picking passes and coolly efficient with his positioning and defensive midfield tasks. He’ll
slice you open or slice you up, artist or assassin. Also provided the comedy highlight of the day with his bump-and-run penalty rebound; Links golf special.
HAKUNA HATATE – 6.5/10 – An interesting side to the Oriental Iniesta – work-rate when things were ‘meh’. The wee mhan dug in and worked back and tried to lift the game as we toiled. Kept his play neat and tidy and reined in the expansive passes until the ship was steadier.
ROGIC – 6/10 – Looked to be a memorable afternoon of wizardry and magic in the offing with the way he started the game. But despite gilding a dreary day with some deft footwork, his influence faded as the system faltered around him.
JAMESY – 4/10 – Well the rain dampened his quiff and his ardour. To be fair, we seemed averse to playing Jamesy in, preferring to head left. How’d that work out all first half? By the time Jamesy got frustrated enough to try and Maradona their entire team in their own box mid second-half, we knew his afternoon was going to be curbed.
SON OF JACKIE – 5.5/10 – After he rolled his ankle early, it was shaping up to be another anonymous outing for the big rough-rider. Closed down and shaken around, denied a one-on-one by a skelly linesbian, but then, eventually, relief: the finest move of the game, stretched the space wide open and he finished well, moving
onto Notebook’s cut. Great for his confidence.
MIKEY J – 4.5/10 – Well, moving into the 90s hasn’t changed Mikey’s style – he’s still frustrating as ever. Fed like a Morelos at an all-you-can-eat buffet but still we got no end product; continual breakdown. Another injury flared and ended his miserable day, and he won’t have enjoyed the contrast in our game when his replacement got to
work.
SUBS:
NOTEBOOK – 7/10 – Well, there’s lively and there’s lively. He entered like Liam Neeson looking for his daughter, dazzled us with sparkling footwork, defined the difference between sand-dancing and Lipizzaner stallion prancing. Another game-winning turn from the one man we MUST sign this calendar year.
ABADASS – N/A – Replace Jamesy? You’re kidding. It’s freezing. I’ll only go on if I can wear gloves. Three.
TAMAGOCHI – N/A – ‘Sit ye doon, honourable Calmac; it is my time to offer sacrifice to Emperor Postecoglu,” he intoned, tying on his headband.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 6/10 – So they do play heiders and volleys in Japan; you got extra for scoring like that in the school playground – almost beyond a ‘fancy’, managing to edge in a double-heider. A goal that would have elicited
legendary status on the rugged tarmac fantasy Parkheids of childhood.
JULLIEN CLARY – N/A – ‘Where the hell have you been, ya lazy big Gallic loafer?’ was the roar – the biggest of the day – as final confirmation came that the NBA season was done and the big man had been excused Superbowl wide receiver duty. Welcome back, mon-skelper.
ANITA DOBSON – 6/10 – Nearly had the alarmed main stand jumping out of their thermal long-johns when he lost the rag first-half and bellowed at the team like a mad T-Rex. Even Ralstonaldo’s lip was trembling. You don’t mess with an Aussie forced to stand in the dreich Scottish weather and watch his side bumble about. But he got his message across in the end and got the result, albeit probably using more precious resources than he wanted to ahead of Thursday.
MIBBERY – 3/10 – Well, probably gave the Zombies an unexpected Sunday afternoon meltdown when he missed the chance to give a soft pen; that was balanced by the utter failure to let Jackie clean through based on an imaginary offside. All-in, the MIB squad probably knew they weren’t going to facilitate much in the way of Bear Aid today save letting a few Celts get whacked.
OVERALL – 6/10 – It’s Valentine’s day tomorrow and I heard Raith Rovers were trying to mark the occasion by signing a civil court rapist. That’s romance, Kirkcaldy style, folks. Still had me confused though – if they really wanted a known, effective beast, then Davie Badboaby aside, the obvious play was a loan for a certain beleagured goaltender. However, they turned up and fair play, made a fist of it, even if they failed to land any punches. We struggled with boredom as expectations weren’t met and the whole miserable day strained to enthral until Notebook entered the fray and quelled any perverted desire they had left to ruin the sabbath. We knew this was just one to get out the way with minimal fuss, and it eventually proved so, although it reminded me I’ve got the dentist this week. So onto the last eight and the hope of an easier draw; maybe the wee debt-ridden scabbies from the south side. They’ll be looking for a big pay-day.
Go Away Now
Sandman
‘…the system fell apart around him’
The system fell apart, in the main, because Nir Bitton cannot play that crucial position.
Very generous to give him pass marks