Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Spud’s Select

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SPUD’S SELECT…

” 1. How many wonders of the world are there?…2. One week has what number of days?…
3. Complete the title of the famous cowboy movie, ‘The Magnificent…’ 4. How many toes does Alfie Morelos have on each foot?…5. What’s the next lyric in this song: ‘Oh Hampden in
the sun, Celtic…6. How many fat hoors were left beaten senseless on the floor of The Louden after Mo Salah completed his hat-trick?… 7. What is the number of this question? ” – from ‘Broxi Bear’s Scary Halloween Quiz’.

ROXIE – 6.5/10 – Got heading practice in for the upcoming World Cup break when she’ll be playing beach volleyball with other nubiles instead of taking her rightful place as England’s #1. Suits us. Crisp with his passing today; plenty of concentration there, but scorched at the near post with their goal. Although credit where it’s due for a sweeping move that caught us chilling.

DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA – 7.5/10 – Saw some Playstation FIFA virgins critique this young man across Twatter after his debut up at Russ Coonty. New country, new culture, new tactics, new team mates – but quality street talent emerging as he slots into a wingback role. Today, from the first whistle, your loins were girded by the mouthwatering segues with Hacky Sack and scintillating overlaps. Add that to the task of containing Boyle’s pace admirably and it looks like we won a prize from the land of footy Gods. Magnifico!

GET CARTER – 7.5/10 – Harry Kane, you’re a big man, but your going to get knocked out of shape. Carter’s going to get ye. Rocks around the backline like a terrifying bouncer urging pub malingerers to drink up because he’s on a promise with a durty barmaid. Everybody and everything bounced off him, but the ball did so with deliberate intent as he played efficeint and zippy passes out of deep.

BIG MERCEDES – 6.5/10 – Just the type of player to benefit from having a man-mountain to play beside. There’s a comparison to be made between his and Star Lord’s progress beside CCV. In this lunatic opinion, he’s settled better, become more consistent, which took Star Lord a season of osmosis to accomplish. Jenz learned some harsh lessons early, and now we get a balling centre-back of serious-set at it with no nonsense. Handled both speed and physicality well today despite the rigours of Leipzig probably taking their toll as he surprised me by not getting over to cover their goal in time. Minor lapse.

TONY THE TIGER – 6.5/10 – The Ralstonado returned to combat the Leith Hurricanes and he basically wiped out their threat. There’s no going too tough for Tony and he approached this one like any other contest – with aggression, focussed intensity, and relish. Moment of his game would be a second-half burst from midfield, glided away from two of them like peak Zidane; Zinedine Flaming Ralston.

THE BUILDER – 7/10 – More poise than Madonna in Vogue. More cool than De Niro in Mean Streets. The bhoys got class to go with the ability. From AM (Attacking Mid) to CHF (Central Holding Fella) for the day; he’s not possessed of the Calmac perpetual motion engine but my God he’s a quick learner; filled that role beautifully, antagonising not only the opposition with his omnipotence but pushing the wee Zombie with the whistle over the edge for a laughable yellow card that had ‘ I hate Mo Salah’ written on the back of it if you pause the vid at the right time…

HAKUNA HATATE – 6.5/10 – Like Tuesday, Reo was a tad scrappy in his play, casual with some sloppy passing but, also as in midweek, made up for it in spades with a workrate like a kid in a Nike boot factory. Turned out again to be a terrific foil for The Builder. What’s Japanese for ‘brickie’s mate’?

MOOEY – 7.5/10 – Masterstroke against the Hibees at this time of year – throw in a Halloween Broony to confuse them. And this Broony tricked them and treated us with a surprisingly positive direct approach that featured a delightful range of cultured passing and movement that gave him away as not being the original Broony at all… Not that anyone could ever replace the real thing; a decade of drive and will-to-power that may never be witnessed again. But this Aussie Stars In Yer Eyes version certainly earned his shirt and if we get that every turn, then he’ll play a big part in retaining the title.

HACKY SACK – 7.5/10 – Games like this need a spark to lift the side into combat mode. And here it was – Hacky Sack on it from the opening minutes. We thought we had a player in his initial appearances and even below requisite Angeball fitness he’s showing the star quality in Europe and domestically with a turn of pace and magic feet that do the damage in seconds. Responsible for that quick kill today and even one half was enough. More wonders await.

JAMESY THE GREAT – 9/10 MOTM – There’s always one. In the recent history of Celtic there’s a game a season that belongs to the Prestwick Pele. CL qualifier winners, crazy Perth rampages, and today in he came with 97 on the scorecard. A hat-trick? Against Hibs. In a changed-up side? Surely not…Then it started – terrific finish as he cushioned in a delicious Hacky Sack cross with his head.

Yes.

Yes, you read that correctly… The head.

Ladies…

Then old buddy Davie Marshall chucked in 99 for yuks and we wondered if Ange would indulge in the wickedest gag since Pontius Pilate finished under the hand dryer and went, “Awright, beat it… Hang on, only kiddin’…”

No, Jamesy remained on long enough to flash (of course) in the century in spectacular fashion, skipping one up into the top corner via a karmaic deflection (I think) off giant perma-collapsing fairy-gimp Porteous or Prometheus or whatever the lumbering drag queen calls himself.

100. 30 players made it. We’re watching one of them live out the dream. And he’s not done yet. All hail-hail Jamesy.

Now cover your glasses for heaven’s sake.

SON OF JACKIE – 7/10 – You can’t keep the big fella quiet. Smothered he was but he’ll always find a moment. Today it was two. In between rick-rolling Grindr serial killer Stephen Port…-eous, he finished off a swashbuckling move then knocked one in off the post with only one leg left working.

SUBS –

ABADASS – 6/10 – Came on and did what the wee man does best – caused disruption, panic, and made a goal.

KYOGO – 6/10 – Starting place sacrificed but nothing but dedication to the cause as he burst onto the scene. Dishonoured by a post.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6.5/10 – Current scapegoat for the La-Z-Boy Guardiolas gave us a half of classic Daizen – motorboating everywhere (no, Jamesy, not that sort…), dogging like a Zombie parked up Gleniffer Braes, but getting his just rewards this time with a great finish for the 6th.

TWIST – N/A – A brief cameo sufficed as he charged around like Morten Weighorst on angel dust.

MCCARTHYISM – N/A – James still floating around to be utilised, and after sparking the winner last week by imitating a Zombie in the penalty area, he appeared jaunty and keen for his 15 minutes of fame.

ANITA DOBSON – 8/10 – “Tell ye what, mayte, let’s make 7 changes just for the giggles…” But the week’s magic number evaded Ange in terms of diminished personnel and goals. 5 changes, 6 goals, and a reminder – if Wednesday wasn’t enough – that Angeball may have it’s flaws but is still light years beyond the pragmatic dirge practised in deluded pits of hate (That’s Ibrox, slow readers…).

Here, it wins us titles and thrills us on days of domestic chores. In Europe it is a nascent power, enabling us to compete for a time against the very best; a power we must learn to handle and profit from efficiently. Regardless, the entertainment and the exciting football flowed and another opponent was blown away. The big mhan defies his critics in the perfect manner. Again.

MIBBERY – 7/10 – Brother SteVen with the V didn’t like the Se7en with the 7 and it sticks in his craw when we remind him of the ending to the Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman classic with the line ‘What’s in the box?’ by answering – hooped jerseys, six times. Still, he did his best to stop the Se7en today and got a lovely ovation as he left the park a barefaced, rid-faced wee sleekit hurting Zombie.

OVERALL – 8.5/10 – I’d liked to have made it 7/10 (SEVEN! hahahha! Lurking Zombies – 7! 3+4! 6+1! 10-3! etc…) after Wednesday’s schadenfrude overload. But it’s 8.5 for dismantling Hibs in a game which might have elicited a measure of trepidation; until the Bhoys began to turn it on and romped home like Shergar used to before the ‘RA barbecued him.

Done with no little style and plenty of substance. Tainting us with the troubles the reprobates have is typical hack journo agenda. We answer such phish with pure football. Scrutiny from outwith Scotland would show a comparison roughly akin to a Van Gough versus a finger-paint effort from a nursery of stoned weans. The football world knows it – we’ve got something about us; they’ve usually got opposition forwards about them. Angeball > KeystoneCopball. The only thing those degenerates have over us right now is the comedy factor – it’s flaming hilarious watching them.

Highlight of the day – Frank McGarvey on the pitch. The finest cup-winning 50p-bit heid in the game…Rolled down 50 yards of ash and timber terracing that hot day in crumbling old Hampden, writhing in a sea of screaming bodies, gasping for air amid the dust clouds… Never been happier. That moment. God bless you, Frank.

Dedicated to the memory of big Robbie Coltrane. Gifted actor and utter comic genius. And one of us. “Ceeel-tic! Ceeel-tic!” Thanks big man, for all the laughs and that formidable intellect. What a presence gone. RIP.

Go Away Now

Sandman