Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v St Madmen


“Five to win, baby
Win all five
And no Zombies here get out alive.”

– Jim Morrison, The Doors, ‘Five To One’.

ROXIE – 6.5/10 – You tell him, Joe… Highlight of the first-half as the MIB gets an earful, then backs off terrified as Joe swings a punch. Wind like that is the goalkeeper’s natural enemy and he did well to be precise with every decision, hand or foot.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 5.5/10 – Probably our poorest today, though run close by Yang; Greggs suffering from the later kick-off time after early shift at the bakery was troubled with distribution and touch letting him down. Battled through it as ever, though.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 8.5/10 MOTM – The polar opposite of his contemporary at full-back. Might have been AJ’s best game of the season as he remained stoic and aggressive against the wind. Smuggled the ball back to lay on Reo, crisp and sweet cross to set up Kyogo; every time he overlapped you felt the stage was set – deliveries were terrific. Tapping a vein of form at last, bang in time for the big finish?

APOLLO CREED – 6.5/10 – That’s more like it – a centre back looking and playing like an irritated hired assassin. From the moment he wiped out the big lasagne up front, you realised what we were missing last Sunday for the closing spell. No-nonsense smart defending that gives opponents pause for thought about their own wellbeing.Liam’s been great all season, but in order to put away the garbage with minimum fuss and slam the blaggard Zombies back into mediocrity, I favour the slightly unhinged presence of the psychotic Pole for the last five games.

GET CARTER – 8/10 – Superb captain for the day – kept his heid in the swirl, rolled physical threats, positioned and focussed like a boss; THE boss. Pray he stays fit, and we’ll rampage towards the title.

TONIO IWATAO – 6/10 – Quietly competent; the way you like your DMs to be. With the unsettling possibilities thrown up with the wind, his assured and determined presence was necessary to hold it together, particularly in the anxious moments of the opening 45.

THE BUILDER – 7.5/10 – After playing out of his skin phished at Mordor thanks to the hospitality Mad Dug some kindly orc tossed to him in celebration of his Panenka, I wondered if he could replicate that again, sober. Needn’t have been concerned – even in the anti-football bluster Matty had his winning hustle back, his talent wrangled like a Yellowstone steer and driving our attacking surges. Positional play and timing were terrific as he popped up in the midst of our attacks, finding killer pockets of space.

HAKUNA HATATE – 7/10 – The class is back, class. Pay attention. After the blow-football first 45 passed him by, Reo got his rhythm early after the break and his dancing feet produced a finish from the 1970/80s’ World Cup finals that’d draw a breath of admiration from Socrates, Rivelino, Zico, et al. Looks like he’s revving up to crown a miserable personal season staggered by injury with a game-changing crescendo.

YING – 5.5/10 – Ah, not quite. Tell you what, though – he’s game for it, if a bit raw at times. Took a nasty head dunt but was back for more and almost a hero. The concussion played it’s part as he mistook an open goal for Masters highlights and had a practice swing, whilst at the same moment trying to kick the heid off the Taipan snake whipping around at his feet that turned out to be rogue ticker-tape. Last seen in the dugout trying to teach Kyogo some Russian gags for his role as best man when Yang marries Countess Natalya Ilyinichna Rostova in chapter four hundred of War And Peace.

Kyogo Furuhashi scores past Zach Hemming with a header to give Celtic a 2-0 lead. Celtic v St Mirren, Scottish Premiership, 13 April 2024. Photo Stuart Wallace/Shutterstockx

KILLER MUSHROOM – 6.5/10 – The title is in his boots. Well, today it was in his heid. Service him, he will deliver it. Muad’Dib. As written.

Scott Tanser of St Mirren challenges Nicolas Kuhn of Celtic. Celtic v St Mirren, Cinch Scottish Premiership, Football, Celtic Park, Glasgow, UK – 13 Apr 2024. Photo Stuart Wallace/Shutterstock

TAKINTE – 6.5/10 – After being overwhelmed by the sheer flaming depravity and grotesqueries surrounding him last Sunday, it was a minor miracle that club psychiatrist, Dr. Fen Ian Freud, was able to subvert the jungvolk prodigy’s PTSD and have him tuned for today. Most definitely he was in tandem with AJ as one of our stand-outs during that difficult first half, looking agile and sharp. Faded after the interval, but a decent outing, lacking only a final ball to have been something more special.


Adam Idah heads the ball over Zach Hemming of St Mirren to give Celtic a 3-0 lead. Celtic v St Mirren, Scottish Premiership, Football, Celtic Park, – 13 April 2024.Photo StuartWallace/Shutterstock

DUNCAN IDAHO – 7/10 – Almost a winning legendary ‘Skelper, but once more in the right spot late-on to triple-tap the Paisley mafiosa and seal the points.

Celtic v St Mirren –  Adam Idah right celebrates with his team mates after scoring his sides third goal of the game during the Premiership match at Celtic Park, Saturday April 13, 2024. Photo Jane Barlow

SAINT BERNARDO – N/A – Came on with Mike Reid’s catchphrase ringing in his ears… Runaround now!

Celtic v St Mirren –  Callum McGregor applauds the fans after the Premiership match at Celtic Park, on Saturday April 13, 2024. Photo Jane Barlow

CALMAC – N/A – A traumatic appearance last weekend got the antidote today – touble-free minutes in his recuperation.

BRIAN DE – N/A – Give us a goal! Damn! A rare sighting of mercurial Honduran. More to come?

JAMESY – N/A – ‘Another dynamic few minutes. What’s your secret, Jamesy?’

“Eh, just thinkin’ Ah can score every time.”

‘And what about that near miss?’

“Nae idea. Don’t remember her. Eh, you talkin’ aboot the football?”

RAQUEL – N/A – Two fine aerial knock-downs, one attacking and one defensive defined this cameo. Her skillful use of the head was always something I’d – *cough* -wonder about when watching ‘1 Million Years B.C’ But they didn’t have football back then, so…

Celtic Manager Brendan Rodgers Celtic v St Mirren, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 13 April 2024 Photo Stuart Wallace/Shutterstock

THE SHNAKE – 7.5/10 – After slagging me in the main page replies last week, it was good to see Brendan took less to heart and more to heed as the way the defence started this week was the way it should have finished last week…lol. His job was to maintain and realign focus for the final flourish, to take positives from last Sunday’s slippage and programme the title-wining algorithm in the players’ mainframe.

Tricky game to navigate due to opponents’ solidity, having their season of the century, and the turbulence within Paradise. On and off the field.But the set-up was right, the game-plan adhered to and executed as well as he could have possibly expected, relatively speaking. His title-winning trick is now to replicate that five more times.

Celtic goalkeeper Joe Hart bumps fists with Referee Steven McLean. Celtic v St Mirren, Scottish Premiership, , Celtic Park,  – 13 April 2024. Photo Stuart Wallace/Shutterstock

MIBBERY – 4/10 – Not once did he go to VAR today. Because he’d used up his entire season’s allocation of goat-worrying tokens working devilment on it last sabbath to manufacture a Zombie penalty. Nothing new there. Nor his refusal to book fainting hulks for blatant dives; “Boy was just ‘daein a Silva’…”Also seemed to exist partially in a different space-time continuum as we got 7 minutes total injury time for 27 minutes total time-wasting. Gotta keep that Sellik goal-difference down…

Celtic v St Mirren –  Celtic manager Brendan Rodgers with Adam Idah after the cinch Premiership match at Celtic Park,  Saturday April 13, 2024.Photo Jane Barlow

OVERALL – 8/10 – I was disappointed. I was right next in line for a substitution, tying my laces as we threw everybody on bar I Am Maximus because it was knackered after winning the Grand National in the hoops. As for the game, the conditions certainly held sway for large parts. The opening exchanges were tense and cautious after clearing Dorothy and Toto of the pitch prior to kick-off, and Kyogo getting terrified by the Wicked Witch Of The East. The innovative 3-D full-pitch tifo kept playing havoc right up until Yang mangled the last streamer on the 6 yard box. But the Bhoys settled well into the second-half and nailed the occasion perfectly with clinical, surgical strikes at the perfect moments to dampen St.Madmen’s ardour and ensure the Zombies felt the cold breath of heelan’ failure creeping around their baws in bed tonight.

Five to go. Five wins is all we ask. Not easy, but well within these Bhoys’ remit.

Go Away Now


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About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor David Faulds has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email


  1. We all know, at least those of us who haven’t been going around with our heads up our backsides for the past 100 years or so, that the SFA still has a part to play in this year’s title race. We all know they are the most openly blatant corrupt organization in the country who do, and will continue to do everything in their power to assist their twelve years old establishment club from Govan!
    They knew last week that a home defeat to the champions was not an option. So they pulled together every possible trick they could muster and “created” a ghost penalty to get them back into the game. Let’s not kid ourselves here. The refs at our dispirited are cheats. In the minds of the SFA, VAR, stands for Video Assisting Rangers