SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v THE BERNABAE-EWE…

“When in doubt who will win, be neutral. Except when it comes to the Zombies,” Swiss Proverb.

Before we start, some wishful thinking from Sky Sports – check the scoreline on their You Tube highlights video below…

ROXIE – 8/10 – Who needs a 10 million bucks goalie to win the SPL? Not us. Not with Big Joe proving a point to all the Dino Zoffs who’ve popped up since the prodigal returned, casting doubt on his longevity. Never missed a punch, a catch, or a marauding sheep – dunked one with hearts in the mouth, yet a flag up out the corner of his eye. Commanding No.1 performance in the heat of it.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 4/10 – Burnt the baps, cremated the pastries, fused the pizzas with the steak bakes and didn’t put enough sawdust in the sausage roll mix – just one of those days for Greggs, could barely remember how to take a shy either. Yet, credit for 100% commitment regardless, and smart calm play on the edge of their box to stage the killer third.

GET CARTER – 5.5/10 – Uh-oh, alarm bells – the Rock crumbled before half-time, culpable of an unusual timing mishap to facilitate the equaliser. Then had to be locked inside the sheep pen (‘dressing room’) all second half as he Hulk-raged around causing hundreds of pounds worth of improvements. We hope and pray he heals over the next fortnight; Skip Killie and focus on Mordor.

APOLLO CREED – 7/10 – Now that Star Lord’s left the Celtic galaxy to spend the rest of his career being prised away from Jacynta by the Guardia Civil, could we find a jawline sturdy enough to take the blows? This boy has no problem being on the ropes; no nonsense shown, or quarter given – positioned terrifically for every dangerous ball that flew his way and synched well with both central defensive partners.

TONY THE TIGER – 7.5/10 – The Sunday lunchtime shift. That’s all it was to the brickie – bared his tiger teeth and claws and got wired in for the cause. Exemplary dedication to his role, loved getting roughhouse with the fiery Dons upstarts. Kept his awareness high to combat the speed down their wing; another excellent foray North for the jungle cat.

EDDIE TURNBULL – 2/10 – And that’s that. Last week’s flurry from the geriatric (deceased) who thinks his manager is Roy Rodgers was a flash in the summer pan from no Peter Pan – back to type today, dragging the pace, fluffing his lines, and failing to build upon the renewed promise he filled us with. Sadly rank.

CALMAC – 6.5/10 – The expansive conundrum – we’ll need Oppenheimer to work this one out. As I rambled previously, Calmac is the fulcrum through which Celtic play; he is also our pressure control and metronome. But he needs the ball and he needs protection and options. The injection of Reo showed the difference – suddenly Calmac was at the short tikki-takka total bossing of the midfield; asserting our stranglehold on possession and dictating the tempo as we have come to expect. It didn’t work like that with Eddie T in there, and it lost some edge with Reo’s untimely departure. To play more direct and expansive is to sacrifice time on the ball for the conductor of the orchestra; expect bum notes until we strike a balance.

THE BUILDER – 8.5/10 MOTM – Now playing with a blend of effervescence and dig. His verve through the ninety plus minutes was the constant that linked up our disjointed overall display, capped with a swashbuckling third to
silence the bleating flockers once and for all. Some players respond really well to new managers; and surprisingly Matty has begun to flourish again. Or maybe it’s adrenalin keeping him sprightly from the fear he shares with Indiana Jones…

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – Daizen the Destroyer; of our hopes… Marvellous effort in the Northern heatwave; boring through them like an enraged baldy hornet, yet lacking the sting as we pleaded disbelief, heids in hands at
his incredible misfortune in front of goal. Still love the intense mental bar steward, though.

KILLER MUSHROOM – 7.5/10 – Nicky Devlin’s making a movie in his spare time, or will be soon – it’ll be inspired jointly by his nightmares and the Japanese horror classic, ‘The Ring’. In auteur Nicky’s Palm D’Or entry we’ll see the story of a grunting daftie haunted by the lurking presence of a deadly Kitsu – a trickster fox from Japanese folklore who sniggers at the physical threats and treatment thrown his way, only to pop up in wonderfully dramatic jump-scare moments and punish the daftie’s conceit with comedic-horror input; ‘Input’ to the net. Tagline from the movie poster: ‘He’s Beeee-hind You!’ Funniest line: “I’ll heid it back, it’ll be fine…”

ABADASS – 6.5/10 – Promises, promises – and the scampering enigma gave us plenty. A goal, some sclaffs, and some outstanding contributions to make us wonder if he’ll stay or go, and if we’ll care too much or not. Hmm.

SUBS –

HAKUNA HATATE – 6.5/10 – For 20 minutes, Reo showed why he stays and plays from the start, or we get 20 million. If you need it explained, go watch volleyball.

YING – 6/10 – Feet, my man, feet… Fine impact to set up the 3rd with fizzing wing play.

JAMESY – N/A – The Northern girls love a Prestwick Flasher and we knew early on that Jamesy was going to get some game-time after the cameras picked him out on the bench finishing his body-oiling routine for maximum
lay-dee enticement.

RAQUEL – 6.5/10 – So glamorous the Beach End sat in silence at her glory when thrown into the second-half scrap. The sweetie-papers rustled a little faster as Raquel put herself on the line after an unforseen introduction to first-team frenzied action again. And didn’t she do well? Smashed about by opponents and her own goalie, the fort was well held with much kudos.

THE ALLFATHER – 6/10 – Sent by the old Gods, THE old God played with composure and guile; puts himself about with a manner that belies his age. Which is timeless, anyway…

THE SHNAKE – StillToBeConvinced/10 – Oozing humility; about time. Though is it with sincerity? Aaaye…So Brendanistas everywhere will be frothing at the post-match interview where he laid out his convictions and plans to alter the style and deliver an expansive gameplan to compete at the highest level come September. Maybe. Reads well. Sounds thrilling… That’s tempered sarcasm, by the way. In practice today it gave us more to think about than shout about. Players need time to adjust, as Joe stated, and that co-operation and belief will be key. Long as he picks the right men for the job, that is…

MIBBERY – 5/10 – ‘Who’s the mason with the fleg?’ Nae luck, chump. Forgot about Satan’s spawn with the Telltale Telly and the first brave bear sellic-foiling attempt of the season got throttled by the truth. Neither Nancy Drew’s reluctance with the cards or aforementioned Damien Dallas reluctantly applying the correct laws could hinder the Celts fighting spirit.

OVERALL – 7.5/10 – Well, it’s not Angeball… So welcome to the experimental, mental new Celtic, not afraid to hoof it when closed in or ping it when opportunity opens up the park. Less disciplined in movement, more open in general play, fluid but fragile too; This blend by ‘BlendAnge Rodgers’ (see what I did there, fans of nostalgic betrayal?) will be a big hit or a teeth-grinding miss if it fails the Champions League acid-test.

Today, the Bhoys faced up well to an aggressive and more dynamic Dons side spurred on by an energised dichotomous flock of wee numpties in black and purring teuchters who sensed Barry Robson’s side could do us damage in our transitionary state. That they did, but not too much – provided a good early workout for the Hoops resilience and competitive appetite.

Class told in the end as the Bhoys overcame the heat and overwhelmed fiery opposition to claim a big three points. Now it’s build-on with confidence as we close in on wrapping up the title at Mordor on 3rd September. Har-de-har, bitter lurkers; Now jog on, Zombies.

Not you. For fellow Celts, I prefer the more cordial…

Go Away Now

Sandman

Video – Watch The Celtic Star’s Exclusive Interview with Martin O’Neill…