Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v The Dosy Dandies

“Ange Postecoglou didn’t deny connections with the Leeds vacancy in words I recognise as absolute denial. Therefore Ange Postecoglou is disloyal to the Celtic support and seeking to leave.”

“I also self-admittedly idolised Gazza and simped around Ibrox hoping to snaffle a used jockstrap of his.”

– The Keith Jackson Logic problem; unum verum generat alterum, ‘Keef’.

 Celtic manager Ange Postecoglou arrives prior to the Cinch Scottish Premiership match between Celtic FC and Aberdeen FC at on February 18, 2023. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

ROXIE – 6.5/10 – ‘Screw it, I’m going backie-inner’. And so Big Joe reprises childhood park kickaboots by deciding not to use his hands all second-half; ‘heiders and fancies only’. Teed-up Great War veteran Jonny ‘Quantum leap’ Hayes for a free pop, then did brilliantly to counter the Star Lord attempt to lob him, fitting in briefly at centre-half; for about a minute or more as the stadium gritted teeth and the particularly anxious invaded the executive lounges seeking couches to hide behind.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – An industrious and involved 90, more thankless tasks than creative openings, but vital in smothering their resurgence down his flank after the break. Expect him to be Travis Bickle in the mirror all week as he prepares to rile the FatBoy at Hampden.

STAR LORD – 6/10 – ‘You are Beckham!’ screeched the racoon through the incessant, blurring precipitation. And as his vision glazed over, yes… Yes, he was, and the keeper was out and he was squinting at the dropping ball on the halfway and…Glory… Glory beckoned… Beckhamed?…And…The fu..? Too late. ‘It was a joke…A joke,..’ groaned the rodent, head in hands, as Carl lofted the ball goal-wards; Wrong goals. But in classic Star Lord-ery he didn’t quite get the connection and Joe was up for a laugh anyway, so the clanger didn’t clang and we all giggled nervously as the Hoops performed a Keystone Cops tribute and Johnny Hayes recalled the time he went out on the lash with Buster Keaton. Around the train-soaked moment of madness, Star lord was efficiently precise. Just stay that way next week. All game.

GET CARTER – 7/10 – American battles Eastern European, and wins. An age-old tale played out as CCV tanked their rangy Iron Curtain striker in a tussle that resembled the Two Tribes video by Frankie GTH. Then he was cast in a remake of Howard The Duk, rumbling in the jungle with Jota’s old contemporary. Merciless physicality from the big mhan had him 2 for 2 and seeking a bout with a chubby Colombian hamster-sniffer for his next cage-fight.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 7/10 – Slippy conditions mean nothing to a seasoned hockey vet. And Wayne seemed made for this, giving us his customary 100% effort and support but also making every ball count – wicked deliveries deserving better outcomes. Fine game.

Callum McGregor of Celtic celebrates after scoring the opening goal during the Cinch Scottish Premiership match between Celtic FC and Aberdeen FC at on February 18, 2023 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CALMAC – 7/10 – I’ll lead, you follow, BANG! Last minute or first minute – he’ll find the sweet spot and demoralise the sheep. The tone was set by the skipper and maintained for the entire first-half savaging that won the points. Consistence beat resistance.

THE BUILDER – 6/10 – He glides like a fairy in a summer meadow. Or, in Glesgae speak, an abandoned greyhound scooting around a junkie’s garden. Lovely movement and insight had him surgically removing much of the Aberdeen will to live in the opening half hour, and was unlucky not to score himself. Faded later before being hooked but the signs are there for a spring recovery of top form.

HAKUNA HATATE – 8.5/10 MOTM – “Reo, Reo Hatate, Scores 2 goals every Saturday.” And Sundays too, we hope. I hear Michael Flatley’s learning Japanese so he can take footwork tips off the Eastern Iniesta. Little can be added about his contribution, only to admire the focus and endeavour that brought him those two splendid goals. Asked Ange a few weeks ago about how he could improve his game; was told final third, more finesse and finishing. Bam, there ye go.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – I’ve taken to make revving noises every time he gets on the ball like when a kid plays with a toy car; You get some funny looks but it amuses me no end. And I wonder if Daizen does that in his own heid, because if you shut your eyes when F1’s on the telly you expect to open them to see Daizen ripping up Brands Hatch. The unbookable Dons had a torrid time with him despite trying to counter by dropping off and deep to get ahead of his runs. Nicely subbed to save him for a Hampden roar. Fingers crossed the trigger-happy Pentagon hawks don’t send an F22 to shoot him down beforehand as he blips across their radars in training.

OH BHOY – 6/10 – Bet you didn’t think you’d spend a rainy starting debut grifting against a bunch of stoical northmen attempting to treat you like a sheep in lingerie. But if this fruitless grind by the Bhoy Oh showed us anything, it’s that he’s not afraid to graft and willing to take on the hard shift to carve out some openings.

NOTEBOOK – 6.5/10 – Club Tropicana it wasn’t. Club Tropical Downpour, more like. But Jota’s used to the rain now and even has a dance for it. As predicted, he’s more prominent in games as the winter eases and excitement builds towards the glamour finishes. Jigged his way into some telling positions today and should have scored; not a concern for this bhoy because the stage is set for his talent Sunday next. Expecting the old hits to be rolled out…


KILLER MUSHROOM – N/A – Surprised? Nervous? Watching his shoulder intently? No mercy from Big Ange as Kyogo was punted into the mix, and had a laugh, wrestling a big glakit farmer who was seeking sumo lessons.

TONIO IWATAO – 6/10 – ‘I’m not as good as Calmac,’ he admitted last week. Okay, humble’s fine, but let’s see what impersonating a Japanese holding midfielder brings out in the cunning Barca skelper. We got solid tidiness and a comfortable feeling he’s fitting into the system just fine as he effortlessly shuttled the ball about like he was Calmac after all.

 Liel Abada of Celtic scores his team’s fourth goal during the Cinch Scottish Premiership match between Celtic FC and Aberdeen FC at on February 18, 2023 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

ABADASS – 6.5/10 – Surprised #2? Do we have another hibernator awakening just in time for some succulent skelping? He’s toiled in recent cameos, falling about like Lee Evans on acid, but the twirling kinetic limbs were rall in synch today and he appeared intent on making a point even before he swiped in a great finish with his wrong foot. Borna Barisic left the country half an hour ago.

JAMESY – N/A – Wahey, Jamesy’s back ladies. Spring’s definitely in the air when the Prestwick Pele romps on with his shorts tucked up to his baws and treats us to some deft shimmies and cheeky flicks. Run for the hills, glass collectors everywhere.

HACKY SACK – 6/10 – Interesting – looked a man in the mood. I reckon there’s a well of untapped potential in those boots and that’s hardly a Hawking deduction given what we saw back in the autumn in the CL, and winning stubborn matches like the Ross Coonty scrap. Form and attitude returning at the right time? Let’s hope; Exciting prospects.

 Celtic manager Ange Postecoglou arrives prior to the Cinch Scottish Premiership match between Celtic FC and Aberdeen FC at on February 18, 2023 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

ANITA DOBSON – 7.5/10 – The Ange show rolls on. The anguished SMSM dig deep in the dark archives
for some kind of archaic weapons to dent the psyche of their nemesis. but he’s got their number. There’s hardly a hint of testosterone in the faltering simp voices that attempt to steer him towards conflict with scuttling Zombies like Narco Davey or Trotters Independent Trading James Hunt across the city, who you know is just itching to noise him up with some racist slurs before the clash next week. Good luck cracking the big Aussie, ya tragic fhannies. Here, the incredible consistency of Angeball rolled through the domestic dreich once more; a system needing only the required, schoold components which we have in droves, it seems. Twelve to go, Ange. Eight wins should do it. Tick-tock, Zombies.

MIBBERY – 4/10 – I shalt not book a Shinnie. The Gollum mantra. Petty, scowling, exasperated – a fine example of the crisis in Scottish reffing this season; crippling depression as the Bhoys roll over their grief, relentlessly. Nectar.

 Reo Hatate of Celtic celebrates after scoring his team’s second goal during the Cinch Scottish Premiership match between Celtic FC and Aberdeen FC at on February 18, 2023 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

OVERALL – 8/10 – No dead cat bounce from the Dandies. No Barry Robson-inspired freak result. No quarter given by a Celtic side with the scent of silver in their nostrils who spring at you from the first whistle like men on a mission; men possessed, actually; with winning. In style. There was a good, galvanising feel to the game, like every match now is a cup final. Which is true of the next contest as we look to retain the Mickey Mouse Cup against Goofy and his cheeky chipmunks. And there’s a real good chance that after warming up against the sheep, the Hoops will be well prepared to exterminate another horde of rabid animals. All good, on we roll with it…

Dedicated to:

THE Raquel – The world is an uglier place now, and dinosaurs are safer. Goodbye, beautiful one, RIP. And may your fur bikini live forever in the hearts of men.

Go Away Now


About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email

1 Comment

  1. Reo Hatate is possibly the most technically gifted player in Scotland, hopefully we can keep him for at least another full season. Roll on hampden